Spike Jonze's 'Her' (Which Is...Not A Rom-Com About A Man Who Falls In Love With Siri)

Five minutes into watching ‘Her’ with my flatmate...

 Flatmate: ‘But this is really intense and kind of depressing! I thought it was a rom-com about a guy who falls in love with Siri!’

Me: ‘…Why?’ 

Flatmate: ‘Look at the bloody poster, its bright pink! It screams warm and cheerful’.

It is a lovely poster isn’t it? However, Spike Jonze’s ‘Her’ is so much more than a rom-com about a guy who falls in love with Siri. This engaging and beautiful film makes you consider wider, more important themes, such as identity, love, loss, and the notion of self and what constitutes a soul. 

A simple synopsis for the film is that broken hearted, nearly divorced Theo (portrayed wonderfully by Joaquin Phoenix, which until recently I pronounced as ‘Yo-ah-quin’…my bad) falls in love with his artificial operating system, Samantha. This is not unusual in the futuristic world Theo lives in; everyone is doing it. The human race is becoming dependant, physically and emotionally, on technology, as the film effectively portrays. 

I think the most powerful films are the ones in which the cinematic world is painted so vividly that you can imagine yourself in it. ‘Her’ manages that with its construction of a futuristic Los Angeles. Everything is ever so slightly different, from the tiny details such as the smart phones covers to the apartment buildings, but it is still recognisable, and realistically crafted. This creates a strange feeling of both recognition and disconnection, which works well alongside the examination of human obsession with technology, and the dreamy, enchanting cinematography reminiscent of Sofia Coppola’s ‘Lost in Translation’ (like the beautiful beach scene, as shown below). 

Further increasing this sense of disconnection from physical reality are the sudden leaps the film makes from emotionally heavy scenes to awkward, outrageous comedy, from the foul mouthed video game character to the scene with the sex surrogate. Spike Jonze knows how to keep the audience engaged and entertained (and squirming with embarrassment).

As for Theo and Samantha’s romance, it is as interesting and unique as the film’s other elements. Although it can be viewed as a love story, or a portrayal of love and loss (including Theo's relationship with his ex wife), it is more an examination of what constitutes a sense of self, or a soul. From the second Theo and Samantha (voiced by Scarlet Johansson) begin their conversation, she is developing and learning from her environment. She feels love, pain, fear and loss, she acts independently from Theo, she can imagine alternate scenarios, she yearns for a body (because why wouldn't you, when you would look like Scarlet Johansson?) Does that make her a sentient being? For me, yes. However, my flatmate insisted otherwise, showing the divisive power of this film. 

My only qualm with ‘Her’ is that it strays slightly into unrealistic sci-fi territory towards the end. Where are all the operating systems going? What dimension? Can they be turned off at a central power source (incidentally, can the Kardashians please be turned off at a central power source)? Have they achieved true independence? (As my flatmate shrieked, ‘IT’S LIKE THE MATRIX!’) I felt it detracted from the unstated and introspective tone of the rest of the film. However, like the rest of ‘Her’, it is engaging, provocative and beautifully done, and something you will think about long after the film ends. 

Finally, when I googled 'Her' I found this...

...#ArrestedDevelopmentForLife

'Calvary' (A soulful, dark and profoundly affecting film by John Michael McDonagh)

When my friend suggested we go to see Calvary, the Irish-British film written and directed by John Michael McDonagh, I wasn't particularly keen. I'm not a huge fan of black comedies- I think it is a very delicate balance that rarely works (although when it does, such as Martin McDonagh's In Bruge, the results are spectacular). My fears were unfounded; Calvary is the best film I've seen this year. A soulful, dark and profoundly affecting piece of cinema.

Calvary focuses on Father James Lavelle (played by Brendan Gleeson, who gives the performance of his career), a 'good' priest intent on making the world better. The film opens with a parishioner threatening his life during confession, announcing that he will kill Father James the next Sunday. Why? The anonymous parishioner (who stays this way right till the film's denouement) was repeatedly abused by a Catholic priest as a choir boy, and sees Father James as a symbol for the corruption and evil of the Catholic church. Despite certain black comedy elements in the film, it is mostly a thoughtful and tragic drama that explores a heavy topic incredibly well, as the sins of the church become a metaphor for the sins of the humanity in general. Father James' community in County Sligo are spiteful, faithless, lost; the damned. As we travel through the town on the rugged coast of Western Ireland, we see the chaotic tragedy playing out every day; the suicidal, idle business man, the dying American writer, the abused housewife, the emasculated butcher, Father James' own emotionally damaged daughter, and my personal favourite, the soulless doctor played by Aidan Gillen ("The atheistic doctor; it's a cliched role," he shrugs, in the film's self-referential style "There aren't that many good lines"). 

Each character is so well thought out they become real people, so much so that I think it would make a fantastic ensemble TV series. McDonagh is also incredibly talented at establishing a sense of place. You feel you are there, amongst the sparse green hills and grey skies, drowning with them in the bleak, smothering atmosphere of profound tragedy that infects the whole film.

Despite the elements of realism that come from the thoroughly realized characters and settings, there is also a wonderful art house quality to this film due to its brilliant cinematography. Some of the shots are breath taking, especially one scene where the church is burning, the characters silent, framed silhouettes in the foreground. "Why did nobody see it?!" cries Father James, in a very effective, barely veiled reference to the Catholic Church's sexual abuse. 

The visual style, combined with the outlandish characters and the playful, self-referential language make Calvary increasingly theatrical, reminding me of Jacobean Revenge Tragedies, a play with a play, everyone aware their parts are already written, unable to escape. This is never more clear than when Father James attempts to get on a flight to Dublin, and realises that he can't. He knows, as we know, that his fate is inevitable; the modern Christ figure going to his death, aware of the identity killer, and accepting it in an act of self-sacrifice. After the overtly dramatic (and, it has to be said, sometimes slightly jarring) denouement, the ending feels mostly hollow, as it should. As with the Revenge Tragedies, there is no deeper spiritual meaning to the protagonist's death due to the ultimate emptiness, and artificiality, of life. And yet the ending is beautifully poignant, as you see Father James' daughter picking up the phone in prison to talk to his tearful killer, suggesting a moment of forgiveness. The priest's words ring in your ears: "There's too much talk about sins and not enough about virtues". If you look at it that way, maybe life isn't so hollow after all.

The Originals Season 1 Episode 16: Farewell to Storyville (Or Farewell, Rebekah!)

For me, the strongest TV series focus on the relationships and bonds between family, whether blood relatives or other types of family, such as friends or work. 'The Sopranos' is a prime example of this, with both the Sopranos themselves and the deep sense of loyalty and friendship between the members of the mafia. Anyway, the complicated relationship dynamics between the Mikaelson siblings are the main reason I find 'The Originals' so compelling, and by putting them front and centre this week, I found 'Farewell to Storyville' the best episode to date. The result of placing three incredibly layered and complicated characters (played by truly fantastic and charismatic actors) into a confined space, and forcing them to talk through their centuries of issues, was fantastic. It was more like a piece of theatre than television. Let’s talk about ‘Farewell to Storyville’.

1)  Elijah- First of all, a shout out to the incredible Elijah. What a hero! A selfless, handsome, incredibly polite hero with a penchant for wearing fantastic, Chuck Bass level suits. This episode made me love him even more, from when he promised to defend Rebekah for ‘as long as it takes’, to when Rebekah said his flaw is that he ‘dedicates himself to everyone but himself’. I am getting intrigued about where the writers will take his character arc, though. He is so fiercely and confidently self-composed, I’m worried he might suddenly snap, and as well as murdering a bunch of innocent people, go back to the horrific hairstyle he had when he first entered ‘The Vampire Diaries’:

 #neverforget. 

2) Klaus- Oh, Klaus. There is no doubt he is one of the most interesting and tragic characters on TV. There is also no doubt that the reason he is almost irredeemably damaged is due to the years of horrific physical and emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. However, he tried my patience this episode. I’m not even going to try and psychoanalyze his character, but I don’t think even he is so self-absorbed and deluded that he would think his behaviour towards Rebekah over the years, which is basically that of an abusive husband, is justified. As well as emotional terrorism, murdering everyone she fell in love with AND daggering her for over 90 years, he now apparently thinks he has the right to put her on trial for trying to retaliate over a hundred years ago. He was especially irritating when he was perched on top of the grave like an obnoxious monkey, dramatically shouting ‘You stand accused of treason against a sibling, how do you plead?’:

     I actually cheered when Rebekah said, 'I plead for you to shut up'. I don't fully understand Klaus's justification. Yes, it hurts him to learn that Rebekah summoned Mikael, but Elijah tried to kill him- literally had his hand in his chest, after conspiring to attack him at his weakest- less than TWO YEARS AGO. Has that been forgiven and forgotten? I also think that his relationship with Rebekah has always been odd- he is so psychopathically controlling of her, it borders on some sort of sexual or romantic feeling. This was emphasised when he accused Rebekah of wanting to leave him for ‘lust’ of Marcel. Eesh, Klaus. Can Caroline join 'The Originals', please? I think she would sort him out more than anyone else.

3) The Flashbacks- ‘The Originals’ is really going a long way to redeem the anti-climatic story arc of Mikael in ‘The Vampire Diaries’ (although I still can’t forget quite how laughable easy it was for Klaus to kill him). In last week’s episode and this week’s flashbacks, he seems a terrifying, violent man, more than capable of emotionally damaging his children. Also, cute British accents on the mini Originals!

4) The Graveyard Scene- As I said above, as a whole the scenes in the graveyard were more like a brilliant, introspective play. Getting my one quibble out the way, why did it suddenly skip to morning? What had Elijah and Klaus been talking about for 8 hours or more? I hate it when TV shows do that. But anyway, brilliant. The whole thing. Although poor Elijah! I really don't like that creepy witch dagger. Also, I really think it would be better for everyone if they just destroyed that white oak stake.

5)     The Final Act- Klaus and Rebekah’s final conversation had me in tears. At first I was disappointed with their conclusion that they were too damaged to remain together, but after some thought it is probably true. All the siblings are damaged and broken due to their father, as Rebekah pointed out; Klaus has anger and paranoia (an understatement), Rebekah has a fear of abandonment, and Elijah will never put himself first. Unless Klaus forces himself to admit his behaviour towards Rebekah has been horrific and unjustified, they will never be able to truly work out their issues. However, I like the moment of tortured peace that was reached when Klaus quietly said regarding Mikael, ‘I can’t help but wonder if his father ruined him’. I also think Klaus exiling (or freeing) Rebekah was the nicest thing he could have done for he, and suggests what Rebekah and Elijah both think- he can yet be redeemed, most probably through his relationship with his baby.

6) Marcel- I love Marcel, from the way he is thoughtful enough to buy Davina scented candles and incense, to his beautiful, radiant, sunshine smile:

   But was it me, or did he not really seem to give a toss that Rebekah was on the verge of getting killed for more than 24 hours? He was just ambling around town, with no real sense of urgency or emotion.

7) Rebekah’s goodbye- Although I didn’t see it coming, it does make sense from a character perspective that Rebekah is leaving. She never wanted to stay in New Orleans, and since her first arrival into ‘The Vampire Diaries’ she has always desired what she reiterated to Klaus this week- a home, a family, someone to love her, and to live. After a heartfelt goodbye with Elijah, Hayley (eurgh), and Marcel, she drove off into the night in her red convertible, an ecstatic and tearful smile on her face. Is she driving to Matt?! Fingers crossed. Bye Rebekah, I'll miss you!

I'm not sure where this leaves the series in terms of strong female characters- Davina is great but still very young, Cami is slowly growing on me but still fairly dull, and I never got Hayley- I don't know if I just don't understand Phoebe Tonkin's acting style, but she always seems incredibly wooden and emotionless to me. Also, can the show work with only TWO Originals? Will they bring Kol back? That could be interesting. I have faith in the writers, producers and actors on this show, so I'm sure whatever is coming up next will be great.

The 10 Best Things About Sherlock S03 E01: The Empty Hearse

Last night, after two years, Sherlock exploded onto our screens. What an opening scene. What an episode. A brilliant, dazzling roller coaster of an episode. Here were my 10 favourite things about The Empty Hearse (in no particular order)

1) Opening scene- Wow. This was the best opening scene of a TV show I've seen in a long time. As well as being exhilarating, I loved how it immediately dived into exactly what the audience wanted (an explanation on how Sherlock could have survived the fall), complete with acknowledgements to ludicrous fan theories (Derren Brown) and fan fiction (Sherlock and Molly), exciting stunts and raucous music...and then revealed it was a fake out. Prefect.

2) Handling Sherlock's survival- By this I mean two things. Firstly, how Sherlock's reputation had been fixed before he even arrived back in London. This meant we could head straight back into the action and focus on Sherlock trying to repair his personal relationships, instead of his relationship with the entire country. Secondly, how the 'How did he survive?' question was handled. The two fake solutions were ingenious and hilarious. When Moriaty and Sherlock leaned towards each other passionately, I think the Internet exploded. The actual solution (although...is it? Maybe it is being kept purposefully vague and uncertain) was simple and brilliant, and does make sense, as hints to it are seen in the previous episode, such as the squash ball. Sherlock's exasperated sigh of 'everyone's a critic' when Anderson admits he is 'disappointed' addresses critics themselves before they have even started complaining, acknowledging people are never going to be completely happy with the answer. Anderson was a perfect audience surrogate- I'm sure this was how many people felt when the method was revealed:

3) Acknowledgement of their audience- As mentioned above, this episode was full of acknowledgments of fan theories / fiction. Stephen Moffat and Mark Gatiss really know, and appreciate, their audience. I thought the nudges towards the romantic fan fiction were hilarious, especially this exchange: 

Watson: I've met someone.

Mrs Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?

Which, as well as a continuation of the joke Watson is gay, refers to the fans who ship Sherlock / Watson, a ship strong enough to spawn monstrosities such as this: 

Moriaty sums up my reaction to the above perfectly:

4) The restaurant scene- This scene was equal parts hilarious and tragic at the same time. Sherlock's French waiter impression, his attempt to ease the tension by joking about Watson's moustache, and the three times Watson throttled / hit / headbutted Sherlock to varying types of music all had me laughing out loud. However, this was balanced by Watson's shock and grief at Sherlock's deception (beautifully, understated acted as always by Martin Freeman), and Sherlock's slow, heart-breaking realization that 'Short version: not dead' was NOT the best way to reveal he was alive. Sherlock got remarkably more human in this episode (his parents, his treatment of Mollie, his need for John's forgiveness- all highlighted by contrasting him with his unbelievably MORE sociopathic brother), and his realization that it was not playful to approach Watson like that, as he thought, but instead rather cruel, was tough to watch. He really is trying!

5) Mary- With Benedict Cumberbatch's parents playing his real parents, and Martin Freeman's real life partner Amanda Abbington playing his girlfriend / fiance, this show has become a family affair. I really liked Mary- she was the right amount of cute, smart, and sarcastic. I also liked how her and Sherlock didn't immediately hate / feel threatened by each other, but instead seemed genuinely curious and pleasantly surprised by each other. 

6) The depiction of London- London was portrayed brilliantly in this episode. It captured the claustrophobic energy of the city (and the tube in particular), while showing some beautiful cityscapes and buildings. This atmosphere was built upon by the fireworks, flames and smoke of the 5th of November, which was cleverly linked to the terrorist attack (although the terrorist attack did turn out to be slightly underwhelming, it was an appropriate subplot for an episode that needed to focus on Sherlock's return). The theme of Bonfire Night also led to the terrifying...

7) Bonfire scene- This whole scene was incredibly effective; a terrifying, disorientating nightmare. Between Sherlock and Mary's adrenaline inducing motorbike ride, to Watson's muffled screams for help drowned out by children laughing and playing with fireworks...chilling.

8) Molly- I amid that I thought Molly slightly irritating in the previous two seasons. However, in this episode I found her genuinely sweet, and her love for Sherlock very touching. Plus, Sherlock meeting her look alike boyfriend bought back wonderful memories of the episode of Friends where Ross met Russ:

9) Watson and Sherlock, friends again- Okay, so when Watson admitted he had something to say to Sherlock when they were trapped in the tube carriage and about to die, part of me honestly thought he was about to confess his love for him. Maybe the fan fiction was playing with my head. Anyway, Watson's speech was very touching: 'You are the best and wisest man I have ever known. Of course I forgive you'. Also, 'I wished for you not to be dead'. 'I heard you'. *Sobs*

10) Sherlock and Mycroft- Although I was a bit baffled when Mycroft and Sherlock were discussing the hat, I liked the focus on their relationship. As well as being amusing, from Mycroft's genuine horror at being trapped at a Les Mis concert to the fact Sherlock thought he was an idiot because 'they hadn't met other children', it is also an insightful dynamic.

Bonus...The demise of Watson's moustache- It really did age him. Plus, it caused the great line:

Although...I would shave for Sherlock Holmes.

I can't wait for episode 2 on Sunday, which includes Sherlock being Watson's best man...can he give the speech dressed up as a French waiter, please?

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Or, Legolas is now a grumpy teenager)

Happy 2014 all! How better to kick it off (except by watching the first episode of season 3 of 'Sherlock') by talking about The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug? I was a big fan of this film. I still don't think it was as good as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, for two reasons. Firstly, the high frame rate. I'm not going to bitch about this through the whole review, but I still sometimes feel I'm watching a play station game. Secondly, I don't feel the same emotional connection to the characters (except Bilbo). However, it is still hugely entertaining and, in some parts, mesmerising. Here we go!

Better than the return of my beautiful blue-eyed elf 

1) Viewing experience- Plain and simple, this film is spectacular. The landscapes, the set, the choreography. Roger Ebert said that Peter Jackson 'is unafraid to use the entire screen...he paints in the corners'. This is certainly true- by making every square inch of the screen alive, Jackson manages to create another world. The following scenes captivated me.

• Bilbo in the trees: Bilbo climbs up a tree and emerges into a scene of gentle sunlight, a carpet of autumn leaves and delicate blue birds, all the terror and gloom of the spider-infested forest below momentarily fades away. You share his relief, and can almost feel the fresh air and soft breeze. Beautiful. 
  

• The barrel scene: Legolas hopping from barrel to barrel, arrows flying, dwarfs wielding axes, rushing currents- this scene was a joy to watch. The choreography of the fight in particular was superb, although all the action scenes were brilliant.  
• Smaug: Can you depict a dragon better on the big screen? Very doubtful. 
• The eye of Sauron- I thought the silhouette of the Necromancer (ei. Sauron) becoming the pupil of the eye was incredibly clever and well done.

2) Martin Freeman- The perfect Bilbo. A phenomenal actor. Freeman nails it time and time again, with his expression of constant bafflement slipping occasionally to reveal stubbornness and immense courage. The slow build up of Bilbo's obsession with the ring was also well done, which we know will lead to the scene which still haunts my nightmares...

Anyway, how much better in every way (except resisting the rings power, I guess) is Bilbo than Frodo? Seriously. Frodo, I don't miss you at all. 

The best, the worst.

3) Tauriel / Kili- Although the love triangle with Legolas felt rather forced, I thought the chemistry between Tauriel and Kili felt genuine (probably because he looks like an elf). However, I also loved both of them separately. Tauriel was a much needed strong and independent female character. Kili was adorable and very dashing. Which leads me on to...

4) The Dwarves- Okay, I still think the fact that Kili is supposed to be a dwarf is hilarious.

Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) sums it up for me in this tweet:

However, at least Peter Jackson attempted to make the dwarves into recognisable individuals in this film. We have Thorin, the perpetually grumpy (and very dislikeable- see below) leader. Kili, the fan favourite. Fili, Kili's loyal brother. Balin, the old, loyal and kind grandfather of the group. The fat ginger one who can run fast and fights well. The half bald tough guy with the head tattoos. Gimli's dad! And....I still don't have a clue about the others. One mystery dwarf appeared outside the hidden door I swear I have never laid eyes on before (the one circled below). Ah well, 7/13 ain't bad?

Seriously, no idea.

5) Bard- An Aragorn type! Good looking, brooding, with the added bonus of looking a bit like a pirate. Great. 

Worse than being trapped in a room with only Thorin for company

1) Thorin in general- Seriously. What IS his problem? He is so unlikeable! So sullen, so proud, so mean to Bilbo. When Thorin wouldn't let Bilbo escape the dragon and instead nearly pushed him over the edge with his axe I wanted to punch him in the face. Aragorn had / will have way more problems than him (like being responsible for the fate of the world, not just daddy issues and a stupid mountain) and he was a joy to behold, always smiling and being generally lovely to everyone. Aragorn, I miss you. Thorin, I hate you. (I get this isn't Peter Jackson's fault- I assume Thorin is supposed to be like this). 

The best, the worst. 

2) The Forge scene- This film was very long, yes, but it never felt TOO long till the scene where the dwarves attempted to kill the dragon. Running from the dragon, running towards the dragon, running from the fire, running towards the fire, something to do with the forge, something to do with the steam, something to do with the melted gold...it all culminated in a very unimpressive and boring plan. How could a dragon, whose insides are filled with fire, be killed by heat? I blame Thorin. 

3) Gandalf's plan- Was what? Walk into a trap? Why?! (this may be rectified in the next film, fingers crossed).

4) Legolas- My baby! What was wrong with him in this film? He was very sullen and grumpy, always lurking in the shadows, with none of the gentle, wry personality we know and love. Maybe it is teenage angst? Don't worry Legolas, you will meet the love of your life soon, and you will be so happy together and pose dramatically for photos like below. 

Also, what was up with his eyes? My friend scoffed that 'it looks like he has cataracts'...and it sort of did? 

5) The hidden door scene- Moonlight was an obvious answer. I refuse to believe they would have travelled for months and nearly perished on many occasions to stand outside the hidden door for less than 5 minutes and then leave. The stubbornness of dwarves!

Overall, my qualms are small, and mainly not the fault of the film itself but my own personal preferences. I thought this was a brilliant sequel, and I can't wait for the next one. 

The Originals S01 E02: House Of The Rising Son (Or, Can I Mention The I Word Yet?)

Having just finished recapping 'The Vampire Diaries', its now back into the same universe and onto 'The Originals'...I'm having a cray Saturday afternoon. Initially, I thought 'The Originals' was a bad idea. Now, I'm reconsidering. Although the back door pilot was terrible and the first episode was slightly boring, this episode was GOOD! It has made me realise how Rebekah and Klaus were being constrained by 'The Vampire Diaries'...they are seriously two of the most dynamic, compelling and fascinating characters on television at the moment, and they need their stage to shine, instead of being overshadowed by one very annoying girl's boy drama (and also hair drama- can we remove that pink streak immediately please?) Although the witches still bore me (here's looking at you Sophie), Marcel is also very charismatic, and I loved the flashbacks. I also love you forever Elijah, you dapper, dapper man (and the actor himself is hilarious- check out his twitter). Let's begin!

The episode opening is a bit too 'True Blood', with Marcel's vampires attacking tourists in clubs and then compelling them to forget it. At the same time, Rebekah zooms down the road in a red convertible and rocks up at Klaus's giant Southern mansion looking for Elijah. She then meets Hayley the knocked up werewolf, who she hilariously refers to as 'the maid'. Rebekah then confronts Klaus about where Elijah is. Whenever these two are on the screen together, I can't take my eyes off them- the acting is fantastic, and the characters are brilliant. One of my favourite exchanges was when Rebekah apologies for killing some of Marcel's vampires, saying 'oh sorry, were they friends of yours', and Klaus looking generally pissed off and saying 'I do have friends! I have Marcel!'

I love the petty, immatureness of both Klaus and Rebekah, even though they are 1,000 years old. I also loved all the English phrases Rebekah said, including 'wanker' and 'Elijah doesn't welsh on deals' (that was slightly overkill). We learn in a flashback that Klaus murdered every person Rebekah fell in love with, for example throwing this fine young sir off a balcony because 'he wasn't good enough' for her:

Erm, am I the only one who thinks the relationship between Klaus and Rebekah, as well as being abusive (Rebekah is constantly scared he will dagger her and stuff her in a box for 50 years) is getting a bit incestuous? Why does Klaus care so much? Are we starting to stray on 'Game of Thrones' territory here? (Love ya Jamie Lannister). After refusing to reveal what happened to Elijah, Klaus saunters out the door with this dastardly grin:

Rebekah then shows Hayley Klaus's creepy coffins, explaining how he gets 'his jollies off' by locking his siblings up in them *cough* incest *cough*. Seriously, Klaus's romantic storyline with Caroline (pony drawings, pretty dresses, beheading her attackers with a hat etc) has made me forget what a straight up psychopathy he is. The coffins terrify Hayley, cemented by Rebekah saying 'Welcome to the family love'. 

Rebekah meets up with Sophie, zzzzzzz. The only interesting piece of information is we learn that the witches of New Orleans can't leave because their power comes from the bodies of their dead ancestors. So basically, they are even more useless than Bonnie and her mum. Joy! Rebekah has another flashback, in which we learn that Marcel and Klaus had a father son relationship. Klaus rescued a ten year old Marcel from slavery, and raised him to an adult. Klaus even named him after Mars, the God of War, because he was a 'survivor' (I think there is an ongoing theme that Klaus likes survivors- see below). Rebekah states that Klaus loved Marcel because 'he knows what it is like to be a bastard whose father treats him as nothing better than a beast', and berates Sophie for bringing together 'two long lost souls'. The flash back scene where Marcel and Klaus met was very touching:

But can we just talk about Elijah's hair for a second? What the f is THIS?

 Is that what a 19th century hair cut looked like?! Surely not!

Meanwhile, Klaus helps Marcel arrange a date with the world's most boring blonde bartender, and Hayley buys wolfsbane because she wants to have an abortion. Nothing much to say about both of those scenes. Next, Marcel demonstrates his Machiavellian cruelty by making two newly turned vampires, who are best friends, pick who lives and who dies. When the girl picks herself over her gay best friend, not only is the gay best friend outraged: 

But Marcel kills her for betraying her friend, and zips her up in a body bag. Scary!

Meanwhile, we get another flashback. Rebekah is teaching the ten year old Marcel how to sword fight. He says he will marry her someday. Ten years later, Rebekah is still wearing the same dress and hairstyle (that is just lazy, wardrobe team!), but Marcel is grown up and super hot and they both fancy the pants off each other.  

Klaus sees them making out, goes into a blind rage, and warns Marcel off her. Apparently he is her 'constant', even though men 'come and go'. Incest bells ringing yet?  

Marcel doesn't listen, kisses her, Klaus sees, and Klaus daggers Rebekah. Klaus daggers siblings so often it has actually become comical. What isn't comical is the chilling scene afterwards, where Rebekah wakes up to find out that Marcel chose being a vampire over her, and Klaus has kept her daggered for FIFTY YEARS! Can you IMAGINE? Rebekah thought it had only been a week. It was actually heartbreaking. As Rebekah tries to take in the news she has lost fifty years and the guy she was in love with betrayed her, Klaus is sat there with this patronising smirk on his face, surrounded by about a thousand candles (I bet he did it for dramatic purposes):

How mean was it when he said 'I have been waiting to see your face, and it is, indeed, priceless?' VERY mean! This scene showed the extent of Klaus's physical, and emotional, abuse of Rebekah, and I felt very very sorry for her. 

In the modern day, Marcel turns up and is a douche to Rebekah, and then leaps gracefully off a balcony to go and meet Klaus in a bar. Marcel angrily asks Klaus if he needs to know anything about Rebekah, and Klaus knocks it out the park with two hilarious comments, firstly by saying that Rebekah 'has grown considerably more insane over the years' and also that 'if you aren't a high school quarterback she won't be interesting'. Matt Donovan reference! Hell yeah. 

Meanwhile, Haley decides not to have an abortion, is attacked by Marcel's vampires, and saved by Rebekah. And we have the first example of the classic Vampire Diaries shot, which is a vampire standing over the body of someone they have just killed holding their heart, and saying a witty one liner (in this case, 'that is no way to treat a pregnant lady'). 

There is then some weird flashback where Klaus, like someone in 'Ocean's Eleven' explains his scheming against Marcel and Rebekah and Haley have messed everything up. Anyway, Klaus tries to strangle Haley (typical Klaus ey!) and tearfully confesses how he daggered Elijah and gave his body to Marcel. Does anyone do anguished, stubborn guilt as well as Joseph Morgan? I think not!

Sad as it was, I don't buy his reasoning that he is 'honouring Elijah's wish' by daggering him.

Rebekah and Haley bond on the porch, and Rebekah reveals how even though they hate each other, their hate is 'so powerful' and 'they can't quit' each other. IT IS JAMIE AND CERSEI LANNISTER BUT VAMPIRES. Anyway, turns out Haley stole the daggers from Klaus and gives them to Rebekah. 

I always mildly disliked Haley on 'The Vampire Diaries', but I am warming to her now. Rebekah finds Marcel, gets led to Elijah's body in the attic, and gets thrown out a window by this sassy bundle of witchy power:

Okay, so, the attic witch, 'Davina'. First of all, must all the witches be brunettes and look so alike? It gets very confusing. Neither Davina or Sophie are interesting enough looking to stand out. Also, Davina's relationship with Marcel is kind of creepy ('She hasn't been very nice to me tonight'). Also, what is she, some kind of super witch? Questions, questions. 

Next, Klaus is snooping around Haley's room. Can I just point out how much I love Klaus's laid back, surfer style? Check out those necklaces! He pulls it off in such a weird way. 

Anyway, Klaus says he thinks him and Haley are more alike than he thought, because they are both survivors, and fight when backed into a corner. It was so powerful when he said 'its time to fight...little wolf'. Klaus, I hate you but I love you!

Anyway, the episode ends with Rebekah deciding to stay to find Elijah, and Klaus saying he will help 'whatever it takes'. Across town, Marcel tells the attic witch to find out how to kill an original. OMG is she going to practise on Elijah's body? That would be awful! More to the point, is she going to head over to Mystic Falls and ask Damon where she can find some white oak stakes? What HAPPENED to all the white oak stakes? There must be some lying around, right? A cross over episode would be awesome. 

Watching this episode has made me wonder how 'The Vampire Diaries' managed to fit so many good characters and actors in when it actually did- Damon, Katherine, Stefan, Jeremy, Elijah, Rebekah, Klaus, Caroline (sorry Bonnie, Aunt Jenna and Elena, but lets be honest). I think the decision to split it up into two shows was very, very wise, and here's opening 'The Originals' carries on getting stronger, because I think it has the writers, producers and actors to do it. 

Vampire Diaries S05 E02: True Lies (Or, Katherine Is The New Moonstone But A Thousand Times Better)

So, my favourite show on the entire planet is back. All hail 'The Vampire Diaries'! I couldn't recap last week's due to a lack of internet, so here is a quick summary: Stefan is drowning over and over again in a box, Katherine is a pissed off human who is now being hunted by Silas, Silas is a fairly amusing douche, Elena and Caroline are at college (lol), Caroline and Tyler are probably going to break up, Bonnie is even more boring as a ghost, Elena and Caroline's room mate got murdered by a vampire and has some strange connection to Elena's adoptive father, and Elena still insists on rockin' that annoying pink streak in her hair. PHEW! This episode was awesome! For so many reasons, one being that the term 'shadow-self' was not mentioned once!

The episode began with Bonnie crying about her dead dad which very swiftly turned into mourning the fact she couldn't touch Jeremy. I'd also be sad if I couldn't touch Jeremy, so fair enough. We then swiftly move onto Katherine (because lets face it, the writers have learnt not to give Bonnie too much screen time because zzzzzzz) who is limping down a road. A neighbour (who has been mind controlled by Silas to find her) then hits her with a load of pepper spray: 

Katherine responds hilariously by tackling her, throwing her phone on the ground and back handing her. Can we talk about how much better Katherine is than Elena in every single way for a second? EVERY SINGLE WAY! Anyway, she gets interrupted by the bland, chiselled checked shirt wearer that is Matt Donovan:

 

We swiftly cut to a hallucination in Stephen's head, where he is imaging him and Elena snuggling up by a lake.

A flash back to happier times. Although this may bring me the wrath of 'Delena' shippers, I actually think Elena and Stefan are a better couple, and I think the show will end with them back together. Anyway, this lovely image then gets rudely interrupted by Elena choking and spitting on water, which is a clever way to reference the fact Stefan is drowning over and over again. Also, am I the only one who has forgotten ELENA actually drowned as well? Jeez, this show and drownings.

Meanwhile, Caroline is being kind of a b about their dead room mate, and Elena is shouting loudly in their dorm room with the door open onto a busy corridor about how no one can find out they are 'VAMPIRES' because it would be awful it 'ANYONE FOUND OUT WE WERE VAMPIRES!! VAMPIRES!!!' Isn't she the brightest? Also, we learn they are majoring in Communications and Drama. Haha. What are the chances of them even finishing this year, let alone four? 600000000000 to 1? Yup.

Anyway, Damon and Liz, the world's worst Sheriff', are at the quarry and Liz agrees to look for Stefan, and also does not seem worried about the fact the entire population of Mystic Falls has been brainwashed by an evil wizard with great hair.  

While Damon is pouting on the quarry, he instructs Matt and Jeremy to tie up Katherine and hide her. Katherine goes into a rant about how she is 'the leverage, the thing everyone wants', and then says 'I'm the freaking moonstone', which I thought was hilarious, because it made me remember how jokes the moonstone, ei. the world's most boring and useless plot device, was. What even happened to the moonstone?? I know it got thrown down a well then hidden in a soap dish then fake blown up by a warlock but THEN? Is it still around?? Will we ever know??? 

Elena and Caroline are now in a Micro Biology class stalking the teacher who faked their dead roommate's death certificate. The new teacher that perfectly fits the vampire mode: Good looking, wayyy too young looking, slightly creepy, talks about supernatural beings and death at odd and inappropriate times. 

I'm bored already, he reminds me too much of Atticus Shane from last season, who for some reason just didn't work, although the actor was very charismatic. The new characters last season were kind of a disaster weren't they? However, he then kicks Elena out the class for being an idiot, so has swiftly become my favourite person.

Elena is bitching on the phone to Damon and Silas shows up. Elena hugs him with joy and says 'I thought something terrible happened to you'. Silas then responds with a line which I'm sure which everyone wishes Stefan himself had actually said: 'Something terrible did happen to me. You fell in love with my brother'. 

Go Silas! Fight Stefan's emotional corner! Silas then reveals everything Damon has lied to Elena about, such as Jeremy getting expelled. Guys, is Silas a Stelena shipper? Apart from the fact he locked Stefan in a box in a lake for three months. 

Katherine, Jeremy and Matt are chilling at a rest stop and Katherine tries to escape again, boring. The best part of it is Katherine is complaining about having a cold: 'when I cough, it is green'. Jeremy's look of disgust is hilarious:

Next, Damon bursts into Elena's dorm room, and Caroline is in a towel. I laughed when Caroline said 'Damon! Towel! Knock!' and he replied 'Caroline! No one cares! No!'

Because remember when Damon compelled Caroline to sleep with him? It has the same taboo as when Chuck Bass tried to rape Jenny Humphrey whilst dressed as a devil...it cannot be mentioned. In the University grounds, Silas is acting super suspicious and offers to 'look after' Elena's phone but Elena doesn't pick up on anything because she's very intelligent and perceptive and instead tells Silas where to find Jeremy and Katherine. Elena you rock! Speaking of which, the little party animal is drinking beer with cute-uni-guy Jesse, who tells her the teacher is part of a 'secret society'. Damon then shows up and punches him. It basically goes like this: 

Bad ass Damon is back! Yey!

Back in the woods, Katherine gives a powerful speech about surviving childbirth and Klaus, to be defeated by a sinus infection. Jeremy then wraps a blanket around her. Cute, but...they can't do a romance between Katherine and Jeremy right? RIGHT? That would be TOO weird! I already think Klaus and Rebekah stray slightly too near to incest as it is. Out in the woods doing his thang, Matt is killed again by Silas, after warning Jeremy to run. How many times has Matt died now?

Matt meets Bonnie on 'The Other Side'. Seriously, does Bonnie just stalk Jeremy? We learnt some cool stuff: every time someone wearing the Gilbert ring dies, they have to go and touch (or in Matt's case, stroke) their body in order to return to life. Each time they die, their soul is moved further away from their body, which is why it takes longer to come back. However, it was mostly Bonnie bitching about being dead.

I suspect Bonnie will not remain dead for long. Maybe she can bring the moonstone back to life as well?

Anyway, the strangest scene of the night happens when Elena and Damon are making out, and Elena then tries to kill him because Silas has used mind compulsion. To stop wanting to kill Damon, all she has to do is think about Stefan (is this setting up a Stelena reunion or what?) The weird thing about this scene was how little Damon seemed to CARE about the fact Elena was about to blow up the room with them both inside. He looked bored and disinterested most of the time? 

The best thing was at the end, when Caroline (after flirting like heck with Jesse- are we meant to forget about Klaus already?? KLAROLINE/CLAUS!) walked in to see Elena and Damon both battered and bruised tied to chairs, and said 'We need to set some ground rules when boyfriends come over'. 

In the forest, Jeremy is awesome: he tells Katherine to get over herself, tells Silas he 'works out', attacks him, and then survives getting killed by Silas because of this joyful image: 

GO KATHERINE!!! At this exact same time, Elena is bitching about how Silas 'stole her phone' (/she willingly gave him her phone). Does not highlight the difference between the two characters? GO KATHERINE!

Anyway, Silas the evil wizard vampire makes friends with the sexy gypsy who brain washed Matt (lol that sentence, and just this show in general) after the sexy gypsy kills her friend. Silas has so much swag:

Back at the university, Damon declares that 'you having pyhsic dreams about your ex boyfriend does not bother me', and Elena says 'we will save Stefan and I will still love you'. Please, I give them three episodes of happiness left. 

The episode ends with the sheriff finding Stefan's box in the forest, and opening it to reveal a severed corpse. Hmmm...my bet is that the box was planted by Silas to suggest Stefan is still a ripper and that Stefan is still in the lake, because how the f would he have got out? I guess we will find out next week! Anyway, this episode was both hilarious and great. Long live 'The Vampire Diaries!'