New Girl S03 E01: All In (Or, 'I Needed Your Underwear To Sow Into My Underwear').

So 'New Girl' is back! Nick and Jess are together, Schmidt has to choose between Elizabeth and Cece, and Winston is given an insignificant and random plot line, as per. I thought this episode was okay. Not brilliant, but okay. A fairly strong start for season 3.

Nick and Jess

We pick up where season 2 left off, with Nick and Jess driving off in a car together. They keep saying how 'All In' they are, then Jess tells him to pull the car over so they can have sex, then Nick makes this face: 

They then go home, and both stand awkwardly outside the door. Nick raises the question, 'How is this going to work? We having only being dating for 30 seconds and we are already living together'. Fair point. The answer is...they run away to Mexico. Stupid plot line, but I can over look it, because is it just me or is Nick looking even hotter than usual this season?

Anyway, they end up in Mexico...

...and Nick gets arrested because he isn't authorized to be on a hotel beach, which seems a bit extreme but there you go. I'm not sure about Nick and Jess together- they are cute and there is a lot of gazing into each others eyes, but they are also less funny as a couple? It should be interesting to see where the writers go with it. 

Anyway, Schmidt, Winston and Jess all go to Mexico again to rescue Nick from jail. Nick gives a speech about how him and Jess 'won't make it' if they live in the loft, so shreds his passport. Jess gives a rambling but touching speech about how they are a 'family'. 'There is no us without Schmidt and Winston'. 'I believe in us'. 'I am all in' (I hope this doesn't become a set catch phrase for their relationship). 

Schmidt

Schmidt spends the episode trying get Nick's attention, and trying to pick between Cece and Elizabeth. He achieves neither. He can't pick because 'he is in love with both women', so he dates them both instead. Weirdly, Schmidt is so cute I can't get angry with him for this douche bag move. Later on he says, 'I can't lose them, and I can't hurt them', and I actually believe him. Whilst Schmidt initially decides to stay with Elizabeth because 'he was with her first', I think he loves Cece more, and I think these guys will end up together. 

Anyway, the funniest scene of the episode happens when Cece walks in the loft and Winston, thinking Schmidt has broken up with her, tries to console her. As Winston is saying 'I'm sorry about Elizabeth', Schmidt frantically cuts in with 'he made love to her'. Schmidt tells the story of Winston making love to Elizabeth with this face, and the whole thing is hilarious:

One of my favourite lines was 'Tell her what you did Winston, and make it short, which is not what you did to Elizabeth'. Schmidt then makes the story worse by randomly saying to Cece that 'Winston came into my room this morning and asked for a pair of your underpants'. Both Winston and Cece are furious:

(I realise the majority of my photos this week are screen grabs of hilarious facial expressions, but hey ho). Winston acts as a good friend should and confirms the story: 'I needed your underwear to sow into my underwear'. Cece then smashes his puzzle on the floor. Schmidt then makes it even worse by saying 'Winston, you have been working on that puzzle for quite some time now, and some of the pieces are upside down...also, is that an almond?' 10/10 for this scene. 

Schmidt and Winston have a fight and have a hilarious dramatic walk off with each other:

And by the end of the episode, Schmidt is still dating both women. 

Winston

Winston's 'thing' this episode is being obsessed with puzzles. I hate how the writers introduce a new 'thing' for Winston every single episode, then drop it like it never exists. Anyway, apparently Winston gets 'a little bit weird' when he starts a puzzle. He is also terrible at puzzles. 

There is a funny moment where Winston asks Schmidt what he thinks will look like, and Schmidt freaks out: 'The pictures on the box! It's a Japanese Garden!'

Contrived as this may seem, it actually sets up a pretty funny Winston moment later, when it is revealed he is colour blind, and thinks green is brown and brown is green. 'What colour is Kermit the frog?' 'Brown'. Schmidt then says 'Winston...what colour do you think you are?'

Overview

This wasn't the best episode I have ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst. In the future, I hope Nick and Jess's relationship isn't filled with too many cutesy moments and declarations of love. Schmidt is hilarious as usual, but I do think the Cece / Elizabeth plot line is slightly out of character. Finally, please, PLEASE 'New Girl' writers, GIVE WINSTON SOMETHING REAL TO DO!

'Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model' Finale (Or, One Very Proud Irish Girl)

I mainly watch 'Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model' because I like watching the photo shoots and seeing how they dress them up for each theme (such as the fairy tales), but it does have some amusing and interesting qualities, so I thought I would blog the finale. It starts with a hilarious introduction of the three remaining contestants:

Emma             Lauren               Sophie 

Emma- Left a call centre job and is 'unusual' and 'individual' looking. Is she? She looks almost identical to Lara Stone to me. 

Lauren- AKA the best so far. She was homeless. 

Sarah- Okay, I'm not going to bitch about any of the contestants, because it is mean, and I understand that I can't have an honest picture of her from only seeing her on the TV for an hour a week. It just annoys me how the judges and Sarah herself seem to insist she is the underdog because she has moved from Ireland to London, even though she seems to sail through the competition to me, and also that she has apparently overcome numerous deathly 'challenges', which include sitting in water, stroking a cow and holding a tame snake. Also, if I have a pound for every time Sarah said she is 'proud' of herself, I would be very rich by now. 

Photo Shoot

I love watching the photo shoots on this programme. They are creative, beautiful, and I find how different the models look in the photos compared to normally fascinating. Anyway, Sarah is 'so proud to be here' and 'so proud to be the final Irish girl'. 

Emma is posing, but I am too busy looking at Tyson:

Emma feels like she deserves to win more than the other girls. Oooo. Claws out. Lauren wears a bright blue bikini when the other girls were wearing black, which doesn't seem that fair. 

Next, we see montages of all three girls staring dramatically into space. I can just imagine the director being like, 'Girls, stop playing on your phones, the camera is rolling! Stare dramatically into the distance like staring hard enough will bring you all your hopes and dreams!' Emma says 'I'm twenty, so this is my last chance'. Erm? That's very cynical, even for a model. Surely she has a few more years left? Sarah says 'I'm so proud of myself for making it into the final' (of course), 'even though I am red haired and Irish' (bleurrggghh). 

Catwalk 

The girls practise their catwalk. A black gay guy (probably...stereotype? I doubt it) is screaming at Lauren 'WRONG SHOES! WRONG SHOES! WRONG SHOES!' and I feel like I'm watching 'Devil Wears Prada'. 

CATWALK TIME! Lauren looks fierce:

Isn't Sarah just so happy Lauren's walk went well?

She sure is. Sarah struts her stuff, and Dannii continues to look like a frozen mermaid statue:

After Emma walks, Sarah is stressed out (and secretly thrilled) because her dress is too short, and Lauren is panicking because her shoes are too big. #TopModelProblems. Lauren walks, and Tyson is all, 'That's her best walk ever!', and 'Good walk, GOOD WALK!' I'm baffled, because to me it looks identical to every other walk. Ah well. Sarah apparently stumbles, which I didn't notice, but I wish I had. She screams 'IT'S A BIT CHAOTIC' with the ever present 'BUT I'M STILL ENJOYING IT'. Also, the judges start laughing at Emma's walk? Which I thought was mean. Lauren nearly falls over, but she pulls it off LIKE A BOSS. 

The three girls strut out, and I'm sorry, Lauren should definitely win, she looks so lithe and graceful, she is basically gliding across the cat walk. Emma looks really weird for a second: 

Sarah reminds me more and more of a super smug cat every day:

(I'm definitely not saying she is fat, like that cat is, just the face). 

JUDGES

The judges deliberate. Lauren is 'the strongest contestant we have ever had'. Go Lauren! Go Lauren! (I'm not biased here because I like her better, I like her and Emma equally, but because I genuinely think she is the best). Emma is 'quirky'. Sarah 'works twice as hard as the other girls'...does she?

The girls face the judges. LAUREN WINS!!!! She sobs with joy, whilst the other girls stand there looking pissed off. Is this not one of the most awkward photos you have ever seen? 

The other girls then have to witness an impromptu party thrown for Lauren, which consists of: 

and a radiant and ecstatic Elle, who looks like a five year old who has just walked in the room and seen her parents got her a pony for Christmas: 

CLOSING MONTAGE

Sarah- Sarah is 'proud of herself'. Duh.

Emma- Emma is not going to go back to the call centre. 

Judges- They agree Lauren has to 'rock it out'. Also, Dannii is SO short! Elle and Tyson look like a mum and a dad proudly looking at their adopted child in this photo:

Lauren- The episode ends with Lauren dancing around whilst Bastille's 'Pompeii' plays dramatically in the background. Well done Lauren! Well deserved. 

How Did Sherlock Survive? (And More Importantly, Why Does Watson Have A Moustache?)

This isn't a review, but more of a prequel to Season 3 of one of my favourite TV shows, 'Sherlock'. The teaser trailer is out:

Amongst other things Watson (Martin Freeman) is rocking a glorious moustache. So obviously the big question is...

WHY DOES WATSON HAVE A MOUSTACHE?

1) Time- If the show is following the books, it is three years since Sherlock was presumed dead. Therefore, the moustache might be to signal that time has passed, and make him appear older.

2) Grief- If it is only a couple of months since Sherlock as died (which I think is more likely), Watson might have grown the moustache in order to feel like a 'new man' and attempt to move on from his life with Sherlock (I realise that makes them sound like lovers).

3) Homage to the Books- As shown by Jude Law's Watson, in the books Watson does have a moustache.

'Sherlock' has referenced the books before with Holmes' famous deerstalker hat, so this is a possibility. 

4) Movember- One of my friends cleverly pointed out the moustache could be for Movember. Watson seems like the kind of guy to give to charity, doesn't he? And it is predicted that the first episode will be broadcast on October 31. 

Anyway, there are a few of my theories. And, as important as Bilbo's moustache is, there is an even more important matter at hand to discuss...

HOW DID SHERLOCK SURVIVE? 

There are a lot of elaborate fan theories on the internet, but I am just going to point out a few things I think are relevant in how Sherlock managed to fake his own death. I've tried to find a video online showing the detective's 'death', but could only find dramatic fan edits with a super indie soundtrack. Picture Sherlock falling gracefully in slow motion through the air, intercut by Watson wailing and dramatically running, all to a haunting Lana Del Rey song. Great stuff. Anyway, Sherlock had to throw himself off the building in order to stop everyone he cares about (eg. three people, which made me laugh, and also a little sad for him) getting assassinated. Watson saw Sherlock fall, got hit by a bike, ran towards his body, and felt his pulse before Sherlock got whisked away on a stretcher. Whilst we didn't see Sherlock's face, there was blood spreading out on the pavement from the back of his head. Here are a few factors I think are worth considering:

1) Truck- There is a clear white rectangular outline drawn on the pavement below Sherlock, which a garbage truck then parks in. I am almost 99.9% certain Sherlock somehow fell on purpose into the garbage truck, and then either rolled out and pretended to be dead (see below), or somehow managed to arrange Moriaty's body on the ground and made it look like him. They were both wearing very similar outfits and both had head wounds, which would have made it easier. 

2) Bike / Watson's Emotional State- Watson never sees Sherlock hit the ground. He sees him falling just before the level of the garbage truck. Then, a 'youth' on a bike comes and knocks him over. After that, Watson is incredibly disorientated, as emphasised by the spinning camera movements. He is also in shock. I think his emotional state means that he couldn't have possibly felt Sherlock's pulse properly, and therefore got an inaccurate reading. Also, how about this...the guy on the bike was hired by Sherlock, and sprayed him in the face with the HALLUCINOGENIC GAS from the previous episode ('The Hounds of Baskerville'). This gas makes you see the worst thing possible, that which you are most afraid of (sounds like something off 'Harry Potter'). Wouldn't the dead, broken body of Sherlock be what Watson was most afraid of in that moment? Sherlock could have engineered this to elicit a genuine emotional response from Watson and therefore trick the assassins, and also to give himself time to escape (I also think the 'paramedics' arrived suspiciously quickly...could Sherlock have arranged them?)

3) Molly- Sherlock asked Molly to do something for him. Did he ask her to make the hallucinogenic mask? Did he ask her to give him a drug that would slow down his pulse and make him appear dead? Did he ask her to make him a mask of his own face to put on Moriaty's body? Also, given Moriaty tricked Molly into being his fake girlfriend, she has reason to help Sherlock foil him / bring him down. 

4) Fall- Sherlock was kind of methodically waving his arms around when he was falling, and with his feet pointing downward he seemed to be aiming for something. Was he trying to slow his fall down in some way? Had he practised? Was Sherlock going to fake his own death anyway to make Moriaty think he had won? Or had he planned an escape route? Basically, was he always going to jump off the roof? QUESTIONS. 

I think Sherlock must have had some kind of inkling of what would happen with Moriaty, because even though he is a super genius, I don't think he could have figured out how to fake his own death and survive a roof plunge in five traumatic seconds. I guess we will find out soon, stay tuned for recaps of 'Sherlock' Season 3. 

Arrested Development Season 4 (Or: Funniest Season? No. Most Innovative and Ambitious? Hell Yes).

I decided to let Season 4 of Arrested Development fully sink in before I reviewed it, but its been available on 'Netflix' (eg. the best thing ever invented) for a while now, so lets review! For those of you who see this post somewhere and fleetingly wonder, 'what is this Arrested Development?', boy are you missing out. I was a late arrival to the show; I only started watching this year. It is hilarious. The pilot is the best pilot I have ever seen. I love the intricacy of the jokes, the characters, the plot. Sure, Season 3 was kind of rubbish, but still. Its so brilliant it has maintained, and built, such a dedicated fan base since it ended in 2006 that a fourth season has been made! Yeys all around! I'm not quite sure what to make of this season, it confused the hell out out of me. I decided to do lists of the good and bad points. I did think about recapping every single episode minute by minute in one go, but decided not to. (JK I never thought that I don't have the attention span, my fingers would start hurting from all the typing and it would be bad for my eyes; take a break from the screen every 10 minutes kids!). Anyway, here is my review! 

The GOOD

1) The Build Up- This was some GOOD marketing. As well as the hilarious twitter account, my favorite two things were 'Insert me Anywhere' (http://insertmeanywhere.biz/#/home) and THIS:

2) Format- Everything about the format of the fourth season blew me away in its innovation, intricacy and ambition. First of all, releasing all the episodes on 'Netflix' at once to see if people binge watch TV now (I could only manage two episodes at a time; they are longer than the previous ones). Secondly, the fact the plot must physically resemble a giant, incredibly complicated and subtle spider web. Characters paths crossed at the strangest, most random points, sometimes only for a second, such as when G.O.B. drove past Michael standing on the sidewalk. Plot points (such as G.O.B. in a limousine) weren't explained till 4 episodes later. It created an entire Arrested Development universe, and added an unexpected level of depth to the programme. 

3) G.O.B.- G.O.B. deserves his own section. I love Will Arnett, not just because of his incredibly cool, gravelly voice, or the fact he has hamster cheeks. I also love G.O.B. As well as his catch phrases ('It's an illusion', 'I've made a huge mistake'), there is a touching naivety and sadness to his character, which adds a depth necessary when being the focal point of two episodes. He is a hilarious actor, and G.O.B.'s episodes were my favorite, especially the one with the 'Get Away' song in it. Every time the Simon & Garfunkel from The Graduate came on made me laugh. A lot. Also, the bit with Steve Holt. 

4) Other Characters- Lucille, Buster and George Senior were all on top form. Buster's episode killed me. Lucille remains the most insane, diabolical character on television. And also the best. 

 THE BAD

1) People Change- If that subtitle sounds philosophical, it isn't meant to. I just mean...people change. As in PHYSICALLY change. What happened to Lindsay and George Michael?? When did Michael Cera start looking like that?? I'm not saying they look worse, they obviously look older, but they look so DIFFERENT! Seriously! Its like they are different actors! It changed how I viewed their characters as well. Would Lindsay really ever cut all her hair off?

2) Too Much Tobias- This feels like blasphemy. Tobias, I love you, and I am so sorry. But...you were kind of irritating and boring this season? There were funny moments, and he is still a gem of a character, but I got so bored of the Fantastic Four plot, and DeBrie. I wish one of his episodes had been given to Buster instead. Man, that criticism took a lot out of me. I'm feeling blue. 

3) Quinceañera- Okay, I'm assuming this is the right word. Considering this was the focal event of the entire series, I thought it was a stupid one. While this may be betraying my ignorance, I honestly had no idea what a Quinceanera was and it confused me. Visually, I thought a more interesting, dynamic setting could have been used than a bay covered in rubbish and lit up with some fairy lights. I also didn't understand why all the characters ended up there. It felt a bit contrived. 

4) Some Characters Couldn't Carry Their Episodes- I always thought of Arrested Development as an ensemble show, and I found it disappointing that the characters weren't often in scenes together. I get it is because of the actor's scheduling conflicts; they are all pretty successful now, and its admirable they got together to do the show again at all. However, I just thought that certain characters could NOT carry their episodes. This is in a different way to Tobias; Tobias is still a very engaging, funny character who has presence. His problem is that he is better in smaller doses. What I'm talking about now is a whole different ball game. The characters pictured below just aren't charismatic or engaging enough to be the focal point of an entire 40 minute episode (sometimes two). They are the straight characters, the sensible ones, the ones the crazy characters such as G.O.B., Buster, Lucille and Tobias bounce off. Here's looking at you...

Maebe looks how I felt when I was watching the episodes with these characters in. I don't know what you are smirking at, George Michael, it isn't funny. Also, a guest spot to...

TOO MUCH ISLA FISCHER. I like her, but seriously, how much screen time does one random supporting character need? I wish she had given John Krasinski half of it (don't even get me STARTED on how little John Krasinski was in it).

5) Michael's downward spiral- Of all the character developments I have ever seen, ever (including the entire cast of Gossip Girl) this one made the least sense. 2003 to 2006 Michael was all:

But fast forward to 2013 Michael:

2013 Michael is mean! He is selfish! He is homeless for a while! There was an incredibly depressing scene with him and a vulture in it! Look, I get that Michael was the staple that held the Bluth family together, and they needed to send the characters down their individual paths. But couldn't the writers have found another way to explain it, instead of a completely insane 180 degree personality change? The final scene consisted of George Michael finding out that Michael was sleeping with his girlfriend (Isla Fischer, step on up), and punching him. SADNESS. On the other hand, unresolved conflict and an unresolved MURDER mystery means there will hopefully be another season, or at least a movie. 

I know I have been pretty critical, but there were so many great things about this season as well. I just hope that next time the characters are all on screen together more, and that 2006 Michael gets transported to the future by a time machine, and that 2013 Michael gets transported back to the Middle Ages so we never have to see him again, and we can pretend the whole 2013 Michael disaster never happened. In other news, is this format the future of television? I'm not sure. Either way, it shows the brilliance of the Arrested Development team that they keep coming up with ground breaking ideas, time after time. High five!

Monsters University (Or, a Funny, Family Film Missing the Usual Pixar Charm)

As a big, big fan and admirer of Pixar, I always look forward to seeing their films. If you look at their record, almost every film released has gone on to become an instant classic (with the exception of Cars and Cars 2): Toy Story (all 3), A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Up, Monsters, Inc. The characters are instantly recognisable, and the ten minute beginning of Up is one of the most touching, moving explorations of a love story I have ever seen. So. Although I can't remember every detail of Monsters, Inc., I was excited to see Monsters University. However, it didn't live up to my expectations. Despite having many funny moments and interesting characters, it was lacking something, and I'm not sure what. 

The Best 5 Things About Monsters University

1) Blue Umbrella- One of my favourite parts of Pixar (apart from the graphics, characters and tone...woah, shall I start a Pixar fan page?) is the short films that come before each one. I think my favourite one is still 'For the Birds', which was shown before Monsters, Inc. (which I can remember better than actual Monsters, Inc). The short film for Monsters University is about a blue umbrella who falls in love with a red umbrella. It contained beautiful visuals, a great soundtrack, emotion, cuteness, and an interesting, slightly film noir style depiction of a  rainy, dark city street where the windows, pavements and drainage pipes have faces. My only quip was that it sometimes looked too real; I like to feel like I am watching an animation. Also, it felt slightly like an advert for a dating website you would see on the tube: 

2) Humour- Although I think the amount of laughter in the cinema was increased due to the intoxication of some of the audience (a late night showing in Camden, y'all), this was still a very funny film. From quirkiness (the monsters covered in paint, glitter and flowers) to surprises (the mum listening to hard core rock music), none of the humour felt cheesy or tired. This was one of my favourite moments:

Move, puny mortals. 

3) Dean Hardscrabble- Voiced by Helen Mirren, this character was SCARY. Like, Randall scary. Plus she looked a bit like a dragon, which is always cool. Incidentally, here is an interesting article from Buzzfeed showing the evolution of the characters: http://www.buzzfeed.com/adambvary/monsters-university-dean-hardscrabble-change-gender. 

4) College- It was great to see this film contain elements of American college (and high school) films. The goths, the cheer leaders, the bullies; it had it all. Some of it was strangely relatable and surprising. There was also a giant slug librarian that reminded me of something from Harry Potter. 

5) Graphics- Beautiful, brilliant, massive thumbs up. The university landscape especially was fantastic. 

The Worst 5 Things About Monsters University

1) Lack of John Krasinski- First of all, as a big John Krasinski fan, I couldn't wait to hear his dulcet tones in this. But he was literally in it for under 2 minutes. Whaaaat? This is like Arrested Development Season 4 all over again, when I was expecting him to be a major new cameo, and instead got a 20 second cameo. I realise this isn't Pixar's fault, but come on! Everything needs more John Krasinski! Like this blog post.

3) Prequel- Unless the series is incredibly well known, I have my doubts about prequels. I think it takes away a strong sense of the intrigue and emotional attachment when you already know how the character's story is going to end. Yes, The Hobbit is excellent, but it kind of puts me off knowing Bilbo is going to become a ring obsessed, incredibly grumpy, frail old man. Also, where the f are the dwarfs when the race of men needs them? And that is a LORD OF THE RINGS prequel, one of my favourite films of all time. So, considering Monsters, Inc. was released twelve years ago, and is a film I can't remember very well at all, I wasn't particularly bothered how the two characters met at university. Plus, seen as at the end of Monsters, Inc. the screams are replaced by laughter, I kind of felt sorry for all the college students studying their little hearts out to become the best scarers. 

Also, although the magic of Pixar is that children and adults can enjoy their films (the 9pm showing last night was packed with drunk people, so there was A LOT of laughter), it is primarily released for children. Do children under twelve care about Monsters, Inc. more than me? The majority weren't even born when it came out! I just think a prequel for Toy Story, or The Incredibles would have been better. 

4) Lack of Plot / Depth- This is kind of leading on from the above point. The lack of emotional attachment and intrigue was multiplied by the fact I didn't think this film had all that much of a plot. Most of the time it seemed to jump between scenes. The 'Scarer Games' were the focal point (I think?), but I think they could have been focused on more. Although I do love any reference to The Hunger Games (have you seen the new trailer? Looks amazing). The plot also felt tired- was I seriously supposed to believe that they would lose the first round of  the 'Scarer Games' and it would never be mentioned again?

4) Annoying Characters- When the characters joined the 'lame' sorority, 'Oozma Kappa', I could forsee some irritating, unfunny underdog members. And I was right. Can you honestly tell me that all the characters here (except Sully and Mike) don't piss you off just from looking at them?

Maybe I'm just intolerant today, I'm sat on a very, very uncomfortable chair. 

5) Lack of Randall- Even I can remember this scary mofo. Welcome back Randall, stuff of nightmares. 

Randell terrified an entire generation of children, and he has become a cultural reference point for an ugly, scrawny, evil looking person ('That guy is basically Randall' 'She's such a bitch, and doesn't she look like Randall?') Randall has yet to have his dream girl make over into one of the creepiest cartoon characters of all time, and is slightly geeky in the film. However, he was a minor role, and I think his character development could have been a big focal point of the film. His whisper 'I will never lose to you again Sully' came to late and was lost amidst all the other character development taking place that I couldn't give a red, yellow, jacket wearing monster pig about (I'm trying to include a witty reference to the film, okay?)

There were a lot of positive points for this film, and it was a clever release because I'm sure DVD sales for Monsters, Inc. will fly through the roof. However, any sort of tension was missing in the plot and the heart-warming, heart-full-of-light-and-glitter I usually get when I see a Pixar film was missing. Still, a great family film and I'm sure kids will love it. 

Star Trek: Into Darkness (Or Otters, Klingons and Vertical Eyebrows)

Okay, so I am in no way a 'trekkie'; I have only just got my head around Star Wars (put it this way, up until a week ago I didn't know Anakin Skywalker was Darth Vader and I still think Jaja Binks is an okay character), so this review isn't going to be full of knowledge and comparisons with the TV series. But, I still enjoyed it, so let's review Star Trek: Into Darkness. 

Planet Der Klasse Catastrophe 

The film begins with two hooded figures running like crazy through a forest that looks like it is made of red liquorice laces. Its like Hunger Games in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A volcano is exploding in the background. Turns out, its Captain Kirk and Bones. 

They are being chased by some very obviously papiermached bright yellow and blue aliens:

Seriously? I could do better with twenty minutes, a tub of PVA glue, some kitchen roll and a felt tip pen. 

They end up jumping an insane height off a cliff into the ocean and making it onto the ship. Elsewhere, Spock (ei. Silas from Heroes...remember that show? How it was fantastic for two seasons then become some sort of confused, muddled, horrific mess? Sad times) nearly dies as he tries to stop the volcano erupting. We are reminded he is emotionless (sort of) when he falls and says 'I am, surprisingly, alive'. Anyway, he isn't going to die four minutes into the film, but he still does a strange / cool death pose when he thinks he is going to: 

Long story short, Spock doesn't want to be rescued because the aliens will see the space ship, Kirk ignores him and rescues him, the aliens see the space ship. This violates the PRIME DIRECTIVE: No interference in the development of primitive cultures. Captain Kirk is ice cool and is just like, no biggie. He is not so cool five minutes later, when he is FIRED by Christopher Pike because Spock reported him (or, more accurately, told the truth in his report). Apparently showing a giant gleaming space ship to a culture which has barely invented the wheel is a complete violation of the rules, which, yes, understandable. However, he gets given another chance, so fine. 

London 2259 

I'm not sure this section warrants its own paragraph, but hey ho. Grieving parents in London give a sick kid a toy bunny, and Sherlock shows up and says he can save her. 

Man, I can never get over how much Benedict Cumberbatch looks like an otter:

(I can't take credit for these hilarious pictures, they are from this tumblr). 

Benedict Cumberbatch ('Harrison') tricks the little girl's parents into blowing up an entire section of London with a test tube, and strolls in front of the CCTV camera. A man who wants to be noticed / followed!

San Francisco Explosion and KLINGONS

Back in San Fransico, everyone important is at an emergency meeting about catching Harrison. 'A man hunt, plain and simple'. Too late, Kirk realises Harrison will know where they all are, and BOOM! Giant explosion. Pike dies. His last moments are him being awkwardly patted by Spock, which is a rubbish way to go, being manhandled by an emotionless Vulcan with vertical lines instead of eyebrows and a pudding bowl hair cut. Remember how much Schmidt reminded me of Marcus from About a Boy? (I'm going to very much assume you won't remember). Well now Spock has joined the group: 

Scotty figures out Harrison (which reminds me of Harrison Ford, which reminds me that I haven't seen any of the Indiana Jones in AGES) is on KRONOS. KLINGONS!!!!! Turns out Harrison blew up an important area that researched KLINGONS! (I don't know what a Klingon is but I've heard them mentioned a lot, and boy am I excited). Captain Kirk is told by Admiral Marcus (coincidence! See above) to go and kill Harrison, and reinstates Spock. They are planning to fire rockets at Kronos. WAR! Spock is being all annoying and saying it is immoral to kill a man without a trial, and to fire rockets at another planet. Scotty quits because he wasn't allowed to inspect the weapons. Drama. I think he is kind of annoying, so, plenty more weapon inspection officers in the sea. It's quite a sad scene actually, Scotty begs Kirk not to use the torpedoes. DON'T DO IT KIRK! THE KLINGONS!! (Which are...robots? cling film? sea creatures?) Meanwhile, Carol Wallace is introduced. Typical blonde bombshell. Kirk tells Uhura he wants to 'rip the bangs off Spock's head' (hahaha), and she says they are fighting. Can you have a relationship with someone who is emotionless? So many questions. Anyway, Spock and Uhura persuade Captain Kirk to capture instead of kill Harrison, so that moral dilemma was over in about three minutes. 

Kronos and KLINGONS

Kirk, Uhura and Spock go to Kronos to get Harrison. Uhura has a massive go at Spock because he didn't think of her when he was about to die. HE IS EMOTIONLESS. Expect it you moron. Spock gives a sad and moving speech about how he joined consciences (?) with Pike before he died, and felt 'anger, loneliness, confusion, fear', and he felt that before when his planet died, so chooses never to feel those emotions again because he cares too much (what is this, The Vampire Diaries?). Anyway, its sad. But then BANG no emotions for long, the ship is in trouble. The ship crashes, and I'm excited to see some KLINGONS. And Uhura can speak Klingon so she goes to talk to them. The tension is killing me!

They kind of look like Orcs. Uhura asks them to release Harrison because they have 'honour' and he doesn't. Suddenly everyone is shooting everyone and its like a play station game. Harrison kills the Klingons (my excitement was short lived) and there is a weird bit where Kirk keeps trying to hit Harrison's floppy hair and falls on the ground over and over again. It was confusing. Harrison surrenders when he realises they have 72 weapons aimed at him. I'm sensing a purposeful surrender here...

Back in the Enterprise

Back in the ship, Harrison and Kirk have a war of words and Harrison gives him a random number and tells him to go and look at the torpedoes. Harrison is basically just Sherlock Holmes without the charming eccentricities and Dr Watson. My favourite character, Bones, goes with Carol Marcus to look at the torpedoes and his arm gets trapped. Queue dramatic shots of him shouting and the people in the spaceship shouting, and all I can think is, how is this an appropriate outfit for the situation?

Answer: It isn't. 

Carol Marcus deactivates the torpedo, and it turns out there is a frozen person inside it.  Harrison reveals he is 'Khan' (I knew 'Harrison' wasn't a villain name...love you for life Harrison Ford), a genetically engineering SUPER HUMAN who was awakened by Admiral Marcus.

Kirk: Why would an Admiral ask a three hundred year old frozen man for help?

Khan: Because I am better.

Kirk: At what?

Khan: EVERYTHING.

Me: BURRRNNNNNNNN.

It is revealed that Marcus forced Khan to build war weapons for him, holding Khan's 72 crew mates hostage. Hence why Khan surrendered earlier; when he realised there were 72 torpedoes, he deduced that Marcus had put his crew mates inside the weapons, and that they would die if they were fired. Phew, complicated. It gets more complicated...apparently Marcus caused everything that had happened so far in the film to start a war with the KLINGONS.  Khan starts crying about the fact he thought everyone inside the torpedoes was dead, that they were like his family and that is why he retaliated, and it is awkward. Is he supposed to be a sympathetic villain? I'm confused. 

So basically, everything is Marcus's fault and, speak of the devil, Marcus arrives in a giant fancy space ship called Vengeance and asks for Khan back. Kirk says no. Marcus attacks. Oh, Marcus. 

FIGHT!

There are space ships shooting each other all over the place and Carol asks to speak to her dad. She gives some stilted speech about how her dad is 'trying to fix a mistake' (/ trying to kill a lot of people for no reason) and asks him to stop attacking the ship, but then he teleports her over to his ship, which involved her walking around like a zombie with her arms outstretched covered in white glowing string. It was weird. 

 Bye Carol. Kirk asks for his crew to be spared and for him to be killed instead. Marcus declines. He is about to kill them all, and Scotty somehow breaks his ship! Yey, what a hero! I take back everything I said about him being annoying. Kirk aligns with Khan, because 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend', which reminds me of this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YdGcLci2hU (Dwight Schrute can be referenced to EVERYTHING). Also, because Khan knows everything about Marcus's ship. I love it when the enemy teams up with the good guys to take down the bigger enemy! (That sounds sarcastic, but I actually do). 

Kirk and Khan zoom across space (in a very cool scene) to Marcus's ship, and skid across the floor for ages. My only problem with these Star Trek films is that all the action tends to happens on a small number of very similar looking space ships. It can feel a bit samey and claustrophobic. Anyway, Carol is ashamed to be Marcus's daughter. No one cares, Carol. In a way more exciting scene, Spock talks to future Spock on....Skype? How WEIRD would it be to talk to your future self?? Very!

Spock asks Future Spock if he encountered Khan. Future Spock says he made a vow to not give him information. But...wouldn't HIS future self have given him information when he was younger? So he would know he has to do it? Like The Time Traveller's Wife? Surely he CAN'T alter younger Spock's destiny by telling him something, because if he did, he might disappear because younger Spock might die, like in Looper? ALSO, seen as Spock had already seen his Future self, wouldn't he have KNOWN he wouldn't die on the volcano? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Anyway, Future Spock says Khan was the greatest enemy the Enterprise ever faced, and that he defeated him. Apparently in his spare time Khan likes to carry out a genocide on every species not as advanced as him and his crew. Its very clever, because Khan can be both an anti-hero we can sympathise with right now, and an evil nightmare villain in the future, which means he has to be destroyed. 

Khan Power

After taking control of the bridge Khan overpowers Scotty, kills Admiral Marcus, knocks out Kirk, crushes Carol's leg (who cares), and takes control of the Vengeance. After negotiating with Spock, and showing he actually is a major douche by threatening to walk over their 'cold corpses', Khan gives beams back Kirk and Uhura, and Spock gives Khan the torpedoes. BUT Spock has removed Khan's crew and fires the torpedoes at him, after reassuring Khan he wouldn't because 'Vulcans cannot lie', ei. he is getting more human or something. On one hand, I feel bad because Khan wants his crew and he did everything they asked. On the other, that is one mass murdering otter, so it is for the best. Thanks for the justification future Spock!

In a long action sequence with plenty of dramatic music, Kirk fixes the ship by jumping up and down. This guy is relieved: 

Captain Kirk dies (I am suspicious as to how long for) from radiation poisoning after a heart breaking conversation with Spock. 

Spock starts screaming 'KHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN'. REVENGE! (Also, human Spock! Bet Uhura will be thrilled). 

Final Showdown

Khan is screaming 'SAN FRANCISCOOOOOOOO' at his spaceship and crashes into the Federation headquarters. Spock teleports after him and there is a cool scene where they are both running. I can imagine it being a Nike advert: 

After a pretty epic fight scene, Spock and Uhura capture Khan. Spock punches Khan in the face multiple times. I like Spock's character development over this film. Also, Bones (yey!) realises that Khan's blood has healing properties (okay, now this is just The Vampire Diaries) and Kirk is revived. When he wakes up, Bones goes 'your cells were heavily irradiated, I had to give you a transfusion', and Kirk nods sagely and says, 'Khan', and I'm thinking, how did HE know Khan's blood had a miracle cure? Anyway, Spock comes to see Kirk in hospital and calls him 'Jim'. 

The End

Khan and his crew are put in storage again and Kirk gives the speech one year later that was used at the beginning of every Star Trek TV episode, the 'where no one has gone before' monologue'. The film ends with Kirk and his crew going into space for 5 years. ADVENTURE TIME!

I thought this was a great movie! Amazing visual effects, great character development, a lot of action. It was slightly too complicated (I'm still not sure I completely understand the Khan / Marcus saga?) and Spock and Kirk's deaths / almost deaths never had any tension, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's also nice to finally know what a Klingon is.