No Time For TV In Exam Land; My 4 Week Blogging Hiatus

I am sad to announce that I have to take a break from blogging for the next 4 weeks. A 'hiatus' (love this word, not sure why). Why am I taking a hiatus? Because I have 24 hours worth of final year exams starting a week on Thursday.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 Fear not, I will return on the 14th of May, with all the time in the world to blog the hell out of all (well, perhaps not all) the movies and TV shows in the world.

New Girl S02 E20: Chicago (Or,'In the Ghetttoooooooooo')

This episode is another example of how well New Girl pulls off sentimental, realistic situations, as well as straight comedy. It's funny and heartfelt, and Jess isn't annoying anymore! Thank God, don't think I could have taken much more. The episode begins with Jess faffing around with some balloons, and I just want her to shut up, and then Nick comes in and says his dad has died. Wait...what? His dad, who we met once in what seemed like a plot line that was going to continue (a plot line that ended sadly and felt unresolved), is DEAD. You have to admire their nerve, making a father and son relationship forever disappointing and unfinished, with no magical brightly-coloured happy ending.

 

Cute-romance-build-up-heartfelt-Nick-and-Jess

Everyone goes to Chicago. I have never been to Chicago, but it doesn't really look like how I thought Chicago looked like, it looks more like Marshall's house in St.Cloud, Minnesota on How I Met Your Mother. Winston starts getting sad, and Nick is all, 'He was my dad!' Winston says, 'He loved me more than you, he told me that'. Nick is like, 'Yeah, true'. Ha. Schmdit is upset the airline lost his bag and his suits (okay, is this actually How I Met Your Mother now? Is Schmidt suddenly going to say, 'suit up!'? Is Jess like Robin? Is that why she irritates me so much?) Schmidt has also suddenly aged 20 years:



He looks like a 40 year old married man with two young children and a hectic job. 'How do I feel, son? Tired. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel tired. But it's worth it to send you on that skiing holiday'. Anyway, we meet Nick's working class Chicago family. His brother looks like Gollum:

His Mum is over weight, very rude, and socially awkward. His grandma is the grandma on everything who gets drunk and swears. I think I last saw her on Wedding Crashers, and if so she is holding up well, because that was like, 10 years ago. There is also a random ginger cousin. The big surprise is...Nick is the one in charge of everything at home. They rely on him. He had to be 'the man of the family' because his dad was so crap. They ask him to organise the 'Elvis' funeral. Are funerals usually arranged the day before? I don't know. He tries his best. Jess tries to be all sucky-up with Nick's mum and gets shot down, and I snickered. The most awkward moment is when she goes, 'I'm from Portland, Oregon....land of BOOKS'. It makes me like her again. She is back to being good Jess; kind, strong, reliable. I also felt sorry for her because, if the mum hates her already, its going to be pretty awkward in 2-3 years time when her and Nick get married. Nick asks her to write the eulogy. Me and Jess are both thinking...WHAT? How awkward is that. She says to Nick, 'you should write it'. So he goes on a 12 hour bender? And arrives at the funeral, which as been magically organized, even though he was supposed to organize it and he can't have had enough time whilst he was on the 12 hour bender?

 

Anyway, Jess has Nick in the bathroom, and Nick is drunk and saying 'You're mad at me. You have that face'. LIKE A BOYFRIEND. And Jess is all, 'I have your back and I'll hold your hand through everything. I wanted to tell you that last night, but you ran away'. Awwwww. Nick's mum says to Jess, 'I don't know you. I don't want you here. I don't know your people'. Ouch! Mean mum. She is grieving, I guess. There is a sad bit where she says 'I would rather not have a funeral if it didn't honour my husband', because there isn't a legitimate Elvis impersonators, and then she has to go up and say, 'I want to thank you for coming, but it's over now'. But then....

Let me explain. So there is the whole sub plot of the MISSING ELVIS. Who can be Elvis? Nick can't afford an Elvis! He can only afford a black Elvis! (Jess looks anxious)...Can this drunk white man be Elvis? (Jess looks increasingly anxious)...Can this drunk, white, sleeping man be Elvis? (The anxiety in Jess's eyes is killing me!)...Who can sing, and wear the spare Elvis costume?....Oh, it's fine, Jess is Elvis. REMINDER: Zooey Deschanel is also a SINGER, as well as an ACTOR. And she is Elvis, so she is so 'quirky'! She keeps singing 'in the ghettoooooo' over and over and over again. It's slightly annoying, but a very nice gesture. Winston says, 'this is everyday in North Korea'. Ha! There is a very unsubtle zoom in on Nick's face, as he stares at Jess with love:

By the way, check out Winston's facial expression in the background. Haha. Anyway, Nick gives a touching, but depressingly honest and real eulogy. 'He was very good at gambling. He had a great moustache. He was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way. And he never was scared. I don't know if he was a good guy or a bad guy in the whole scheme of things, but he was my dad and I sure am going to miss him'. Slightly cheesy, but very New Girl. Jess holds his hand and everyone looks at them with love, including the mum. She has changed her tune swiftly. I guess funerals do that. Everyone starts singing 'in the ghettoooo' and Nick's mum starts dancing. Schmidt says, 'I really feel transported to the ghetto'. Hahaha.

 

Schmidt and Winston

Schmidt- Schmidt is being weird and doesn't want to go to the funeral. 'The early buzz on this thing is that it is going to be a real drag'. He is has a hissy fit over wearing one of Walt's suits, because he looks 'like a remote control'. He prnounces buttons as 'battans'. He admits he is scared of death. He asks Winston to pretend to be the body. He is scared most of the body moving, so he asks Winston not to breath. Winston says he has to, 'for regular life reasons'. Haha. Schmidt gaves a touching, hilarious fake eulogy, and it is probably the highlight of the episode. It beings 'You beautiful black butterfly'. He says he thought they would be rivals, over Nick and 'who wore Easter colours best'. Who writes these line?! I love them! (I think Winston would wear Easter colours best, Schmidt would look a bit too much like Andy Bernard from The Office). Schmidt eventually confronts his fear by stopping the random ginger cousin stealing a chain from the body. He starts screaming 'Desecration!' (haven't heard that word in a while) and puts his head in the casket, whilst shouting 'I can do this all DOIY' (I think he is mimicking the cousin's Boston accent). It's funny, anyway. He looks so CUTE when he gets over his fear of the body:

Max Greenfield is so good at facial expressions! Schmidt wasn't quite as adorable as last week wtih the fish, but almost.

 

Winston- Winston breaks down when trying to give a eulogy for Walt and starts screaching 'Walt would have wanted us to have a party! Wallllt!' It's basically like the episode where he is screaming 'WHYYYY' a few weeks ago, only this it's about death, not sex, so it isn't as funny. It seems the random screaming thing is turning into Winnie's set move. But he looks pretty sharp in a suit, so I'll let it go.

 

End

Schmidt has a witty war of words with the Boston random ginger cousin. The cousin tells him to 'stay out of Boston'. Schmidt is all, 'What, you're going to keep me out of a whole city?' The cousin says he works at the airport and he will put a gun in his luggage. Awkward. 'Why do you have to bring weapons into it, Bobby?' (most stereotypical Irish Boston name ever). There is a very cute scene between Winston and the mum; he has stolen loads of stuff, like Walt's hat and the leg of his favourite chair. She hugs him and tells him to keep it all. It's cute because it reminds you that Winston knew Nick since childhood, so was close to the family too. The mum also gives Jess some cheese puffs in a see through sandwhich bag as a snack, and hugs her. Nick looks on with love. It's an episode full of looks of love. Nick's mum apologizes. 'We relied on you so much, and you were just a kid...I'm glad you have someone to take care of you'. Looks of love are directed towards Jess, who is conveniently looking very 'adorkable' trying to open the cheese puff bag with gloves on. Jess has met the family and passed the test!

 

This weeks episode was great. Funny, warm, realistic, honest, Jess isn't being annoying anymore, Schmidt is adorable, I still like Winston. Next week, the episode is called 'First Date', and the synopsis is: 'Nick and Jess go on a first date. Schmidt and Winston try their best to ruin it'. I for one am both excited and intrigued....

New Girl S02 E19: Quick Hardening Caulk (Or, Adorable Fish Cece Metaphor)

Sorry for the ridiculous lack of blogging, I haven't been to the cinema and New Girl has been on an annoying American mid-season hiatus. I will start blogging another TV show soon but there are so many and I can't choose AHHHHH. Anyway, this episode opens with Schmidt all sad about Cece, drowning his sorrows with ‘melon balls’. I have no idea what those are. Schmidt is defensive: ‘I am not sad about Cece. There are plenty of things to be sad about. The pollution in China. The Hobbit wasn’t very good’. Haha, it is lines like this why I love New Girl. Nick starts getting annoyed about the free drinks, and says he is trying to be more responsible. IT’S HIS JOB. So responsible in fact, he has thought of a new night: Guy’s night. Jess is looking at him chewing her lip, and she genuinely reminds me of Bella from Twilight and it is horrifying.

Flash forward to her in the bathroom with Cece: ‘I want him. I want him bad’. BOOORRRIINNNGG.

Best Schmidt Story Line Ever

I'm going to recap the Schmidt / Winston / Cece story line first, because it's the best, least annoying one. Winston takes Schmidt to an aquarium (this is the first time I have ever seen an aquarium in a sitcom, nice change of scenery from the usual ridiculously unrealistic multi million dollar open planned loft) to cheer him up about Cece's upcoming nuptials. He becomes obsessed with a lion fish, ‘the one that floats like an angel’. He wants to buy the fish, can’t, and starts screaming ‘love is a lie’. It’s very funny. He get's dragged out of the aquarium. He then buys a tank for the flat for his soon to be acquired lion fish. He is wearing a strange sequinned fish hat. 

Jess: ‘When did you turn into a Bond villain?’ Me: ‘When did every Bond villain require a medium sized aquarium? A shark wouldn't fit in that. Neither would a jellyfish. The only things a Bond villain would want that lives under water. Shut up, Jess’. Schmidt says, ‘I will get the fish, and we will create a life together’. He is clearly losing it. Winston buys Schmidt a clown fish. Possibly best line of the episode: ‘I don’t want a fresh water bitch fish, Winston’. He’s right, clown fish suck. They look like fat traffic cones. But I think the lion fish is creepy, as well, so I don’t know which is better. I like Winston even more due to this episode, he is a very nice friend. By the way, who is that guy in the photo on Schmidt’s shelf? One of life’s mysteries.

Anyway, Schmidt and Winston go to the ocean to find a lion fish. Very plausible. They are flailing around in the ocean, and Schmidt gets a jellyfish on his face. He needs Winston to pee on his face. Wait….no. You CANNOT steal story lines off Friends that blatantly:

It is a pretty bad sting, and Schmidt gets taken to hospital. Poor little lamb. I LOVE YOU SCHMIDT. Cece brings Schmidt a lion fish she has managed to acquire. Oh, the irony. Winston tells Cece to keep her distance from Schmidt, because ‘You're getting married. It’s killing him’. This plot line is so emotional! Schmidt wakes up: ‘The fish was a metaphor for Cece. Don’t feel bad for not seeing it, it was subtle as hell’. He decides to put the lion fish back in the sea, because ‘it belongs in the ocean. She isn’t mine to keep’. Awwwww. On a negative note, I don't think the fish will survive in the ocean, it looks very small and dainty, the runt of the lion fish family, if you will. The episode ends with Winnie (affectionate new nickname) and Schmidt on the beach. I like Winston’s outfit, he looks manly. Schmidt means to throw the lion fish in the ocean, and accidentally throws it on the sand. Hahahah. ‘STAY ALIVE!!!’.

And so the Nick/Jess plot drags on, and so Jess becomes more and more unlikeable

 Am I over reacting by being so bored with the never ending limbo of 'will they won't they' Nick and Jess? Jess is being annoying with Nick. He smells like ‘a baby in a damn meadow’. They go to a hardware store together. Nick wants some sexual sounding hardware things, which makes Jess go all Bella-lip-biting-eurgh again. Nick then knocks Jess out by accident with a plank of wood. Wait, what? Ha. This episode is rife with injuries. At least she has been shut up for a bit. That's a good thing, right?

Turns out, no. Jess is concussed and wants to have sex with Nick. She tells him so. She is being so, so irritating, but at least there is a validated reason now. She tries to rape him. He tries to escape. It’s quite uncomfortable viewing, because he is trying to be nice and cute, but clearly freaking out a bit. He hurts his hand on some soup. Jellyfish, planks and soups, the little dangers in life, ey? Nick reveals to the boys he wants to sleep with Jess as well. But she was on painkillers, does she mean it? Should he end it with Shane? (Is that a girl’s name in anyway, anyhow, anywhere which way, at all?)

Jess rocks up to Guy’s night. Jeez, Know when you aren’t wanted, Jess.  Nick tries to hide his new relationship (very new…10 minutes ago new. So new I literally don't care on any level, at all, about it) from Jess. Jess is like, why did that girl just slap your ass? She finds out they are together. She looks so hurt and I feel sorry for her even though she has been so annoying lately. Nick then rubs salt in the wound by describing Jess as his ‘room friend’. Waaaa. She goes home, and Nick goes after her. She delivers a hilarious line: ‘I’m glad her name is Shane. What’s next, Cody? Tex?’ Nick gets all confrontational: ‘Do you want to have sex with me, yes or no??’ Jess says: ‘Yes. Because you were aspirational’ (Or something). Nick: ‘You are a gold digger’. Jess: ‘I’m not. If I was, I’d be the worst one in the world if I wanted you’. Nick: ‘Then prove it’. (I am shortening this conversation quite substantially). AHHHHH. They kiss. AHHHH. It’s painful because of their injuries. Less AHHHH, more AHHHkward (hehe). They start screaming insults at each other and make out. They break the fish tank. It is dramatic camera shot, like a scene from The Matrix or something (I don't know).

Nick and Jess don't end up having sex. They kiss then walk away from each other again. It makes no sense. Eurgh. Enough.

This was literally the cutest Schmidt episode ever. Awwwww Schmidt. Awwww Cece! So beautiful! Also, Winston, you are such a good friend! Bromance episode! Jess has replaced you as my least favourite character. Either get together, Nick and Jess, or go away. Also, again, 'Shane'? Really?

New Girl S02 E18: Tinfinity (Or, If Jess Says 'Mouth' One More Time...)

This episode is evidence of New Girl's success, as it shows they have hit the BIG BUCKS and now can have as many props as they want, including an uninflated, pointless hot air balloon. This episode was okay, and it was nice to see a bromance (really hate the word 'bromance') between Schmidt and Nick, but Jess really, really irritated me. Also, I refuse to believe Cece would become engaged to a guy a foot shorter than her. WOW I AM SPOILING SO MUCH ALREADY. Let's begin!

TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY / SHUT UP JESS

Schmidt wants to celebrate his and Nick's 10 year anniversary, or 'tiniversary', as room mates. There are lots of flash backs to their other anniversary parties, such as wood and paper. All are funny, as per. New Girl does flash backs well. Jess and Cece are talking. Jess is all, 'wahhh wahhh wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head, his mouth on my mouth'. She says this in loud stage whispers when he is IN THE ROOM.  Cece says Nick needs a new guy, because she is so happy with her arranged-marriage-super-exaggerated-British guy. There are clips of Jess being set up with guys. My favourite is a nerdy looking one who goes, 'Microchips are getting smaller. Soon they will be smaller than blueberries. You can put them in your cereal GURLL'. Jess says, 'I don't get your thang'. I don't either, but I like it. In an amusing way, not a sexual way. Winston walks in with a very tall guy with a weird bun in his hair called 'Jacques McTavish', or something. He is supposed to be a famous America football player. Jess goes over and attempts to flirt her ass off. Jacques is supposed to be a  super manly man, but he has stupid girl hair in a ballerina bun. 

The theme of Nick and Schmidt's party is 'Masculine Garden Party'. Haha. Nick has to organize balloons and porta-pottys. Nick says he is having an anxiety attack. He is very funny in this episode. Annoying British guy, eg. The Hobbit, because of how short he is, proposes to Cece by saying 'are we doing this thing?' Cece accepts. My respect for her has dropped several levels. 

EXTRAVAGANT YET QUIRKY PARTY

Schmidt is in his element. 'Everything is tin. Everything!' He then pierces a child's football. Jess and Winston argue over Jacques. Jess says, 'I want his mouth on my mouth!' STOP SAYING MOUTH. She actually makes me laugh when she says, 'Oh no, I only have my legs, boobs, hair, skin, face....ha ha. Fool'. Nick shows his porta-potty. It is dirty, and big, and so unbelievable. If Nick really bought that, he is a complete idiot. 

Schmidt has bought a nicer one, and Nick is jealous. Jess is annoying on the football field. Nick tries to make Robbie use his toilet. YEY ROBBIE! He is only in the episode for 3 seconds. God damn it. There is a Nick and Jess moment; Jess appears out of nowhere and goes, in an irritating voice, 'It's been really nice hanging out with Jacques because he talks about his feelings'. Awful. When did Jess become a mega bitch? Nick looks sad and unsure of himself. Cece arrives with the British, short haired hobbit: 

Cece, this party is not as good as the parties we have in the Shire. 

Schmidt acts all sassy. Jacques really likes Jess, so much he starts crying about it. Is Jacques still in the episode? He has made literally no impression on me. Schmidt writes Nick's speech for him. 'Why do you think you are better than me?' There is another flashback to Fat Schmidt. It reminds me a lot of Fat Monica. Wait...could they be related? They are both Jewish and fat. We don't know Schmidt's last name. Could it be 'Geller'? I feel Chandler and Schmidt would not get on. Maybe Schmidt and Ross. 

I feel I'm grasping at fictional strings. Also, fat suits have got way better in the past 10 years. Because this episode of Friends was filmed 10 YEARS AGO! Ahhhhhh mind fudge! Back to annoying (in this episode) Jess. 'Is Jacques known for being intense?' 'Yes, Jess. He is a professional athlete. He doesn't jump, he leaps. He doesn't like, he loves'. This makes me feel bad for not being a professional athlete. Jess goes back to Jacques. She goes, 'I really want to French you'. Eurghh. Hobbit proposes to Cece on the stage, and it is meant to be Romantic but it isn't because she hardly knows him and he is a lot shorter than her and she slept with Schmidt 2 weeks ago. Are we seriously supposed to be heart warmed by this? The funny part of the speech is, Schmidt's music and lighting effects are played by accident, eg. exaggerating their 'bromance' and how over the top Schmidt is. A cake is carried past, and a girl whispers to Schmidt, 'Its shaped in an infinity sign because their marriage will last forever'. Hahaha. But Schmidt looks sad. Aww! Schmidt! I feel sad with you! And also shocked. Who knew this would actually happen? Jacques gets on stage. 'I would like to report a stolen item. My heart'. This story line is boring and unbelievable. Schmidt and Nick are meditating in an uninflated hot air balloon. They are best friends again. It is cute. Jess and Winston join them. It's all very indie;  moody music and dark, arty shots. 

Nick offers Jess a bottle of whiskey. Jess goes, 'it's had your mouth on it!' and runs out the balloon. I've heard her say 'mouth' way too many times now. 

This episode was okay, but not as funny as last week. Thumbs up to the Schmidt / Nick storyline, though. TINIVERSARY!

New Girl S02 E17: Parking Spot (Or, The Many Faces Of Schmidt)

New Girl is pretty good at avoiding typical sitcom clichés, and this episode managed to continue to do that, as it both tackled the still lingering issue of Nick and Jess's kiss and also managed to be hilarious. My favourite episode for a while. There were two very distinct story lines, so I'm just going to tackle them one at a time. With the least important one last. Yes, the least important one does involve Winston. 

PARKING-SPOT-INDUCES-KISS-AWKWARDNESS

I'm not feeling the most titularly creative. The episode opens with Nick and Jess brushing their teeth. They are talking about how non-awkward it is they kissed. Sub text: it is extremely awkward. Schmidt comes in yelling that they have found out their flat has a parking space. Schmidt argues he deserves it. Jess plays the 'woman' card, Winston the 'race' card, Nick the 'lazy drunk' card. Winston quickly gives up and runs off on his own little sex adventure, documented below. Nick gives up. Jess v. Schmidt! Yey! Change the dynamic, have Jess interact with someone other than Nick and Cece for a change. So Nick has to pick who gets the parking space. He refuses. Jess yells after him, 'you can't escape destiny, she comes for us all, that relentless BITCH!' Jess tries to seduce Nick to get the spot. She has apparently decided to attempt it as a 'sexy goth' who wears a hoodie:

Nick gives her the spot. He tries to hug her. She pinches his nipples and runs off. Random form of hug-prevention. Anywho, both this episode and the one before, I was scornfully wondering, 'Why didn't they bother to show Schmidt's reaction to the kiss? Lazy devils'. But no...Schmidt only finds out RIGHT NOW. 4 WEEKS LATER. Probably a week later in sit-come time. He guesses, because can detect 'the lust and filth...its like freaking TIJUANA'. Isn't that where Marissa overdosed in the OC? Flasback! Here are some angry faces Schmidt makes about the kiss:

Boy, is he massively and weirdly mad. Turns out it was all a scheme to get the parking space, because after he says, 'Nick, if Winston kissed me, you would have been the first person I told...but I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere', and gets the parking space, his face then changes to THIS:

Utmost glee! Jess tries to nipple pinch Schmidt, and is all, 'Where are your nipples, man?!' He responds, 'I'll never tell'. I love Schmidt in this episode. Nick freaks out and tries to claim the space himself, after having an odd gesture war about who is being 'weirder' with Jess. PARKING SPACE RACE. Nick's car is under some cardboard, and he offers kids $5 to help him clean it. 'Don't negotiate with me, I will not go above $6!' Jess get's called a 'wacky bitch' by an old man. Nick sits in the spot in a chair. Jess hits Schmidt's car with her car, which seems a bit of an overreaction. All 3 are now in the parking spot. Schmidt rants about how Nick, Schmidt and Coach (remember him?) took a 'No Nail Oath' about Jess. Things take a serious turn next, when Jess calls Nick a 'coward' because he won't back her up. Schmidt hits on a hard truth: 'Why should he? Because he kissed, and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty?' OUCH...very true, he doesn't. Shcmidt then ruins it by saying 'bitches be crazy' and cackling like a gremlin. Nick goes on a rant about how he regrets the kiss, and Jess runs off. He runs after her. CUTE NICK AND JESS MOMENT. He says he couldn't help kissing her, she drops her fish sticks. It gets ruined by Schmidt. He reads the 'No Nail Oath': 'If one of us nails the said female, then all must nail her'. Hahahahahaha. Jess goes crazy. Schmidt wants to kiss Jess to make things 'normal'. He says, 'I'll be your hero'. The kiss goes horribly wrong, and thus concludes this review's recap of hilarious Schmidt faces:

They both yell 'mistake', and Schmidt admits he 'made it weirder'. Things cannot be resolved that easily, it seems!

WINSTON-CONDOM-YUM!

Winston actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, he had his own separate sub-plot again, and yes, it was about women and ridiculous sexual situations, but there was something about the way he sat screaming 'WHYYYY' on the ground I found very funny. PLOT SPOILER. Not really, it doesn't deserve the title of 'plot'. Maybe, 'comical digression'. DIGRESSION SPOILER. Basically, Winston wants to have sex with the girl, Daisy, he met two episodes ago. This has to be done very fast, as they are both super busy people. Also, Winston works nights, because he is a vampire. 

Just kidding, I can't actually remember why he works nights. Winston forgets a condom. Daisy is like, 'whaaaaat? get one right now. Bitch.' She is a sassy one. Winston runs to a drug store (how American of me. 'Pharmacist'.). He forgot his wallet because he put on Daisy's pants. They say 'YUM!' on the back in bright pink. It is funny. 

Winston gets thrown out the drug store. Winston runs to Cece's house. Cece is still doing the arranged marriage thing, apparently? With the annoying, overly English-accented, oh-look-how-splendid-my-punctuation-is-m'lord guy? Cece is kind of losing her place in the show, she isn't in it as much any more. Schmidt is her anchor, and she is drifting slowly away from him. Metaphor? What? Cece is also being a little sass monster (I'm loving the words 'sass' / 'sassy' at the moment, in case you haven't noticed), saying if Winston doesn't leave she will 'wring his neck'. Sure. Look how tiny your model arms are, Cece, before you go around making crazy statements like that. Winston is amusing in this scene. His story ends with him not being able to find Daisy's apartment, which is slightly unbelievable but fine, and him screaming 'WHYYYY' on the cold, cement, parking lot floor, complete with dramatic close up camera movements. 

It made me laugh out loud. I might actually like Winston now, or 'old Winny', as he calls himself.

The episode ends with Winston getting the parking space because of his failed sex adventure. Parking lots feature a lot in this episode. Is this a form of advertising? Is New Girl advertising parking lots now? Are parking lots the new 'Bing'? Anyway, all four actors (excluding Cece, seen as she was only on for about 15 seconds) were on top of their game, and the Nick / Jess situation was looked at in a way that managed to be both realistic, surprising and cute. New Girl is back on top form! Yey!

Django Unchained: My Violence Limit Has Been Officially Reached

So, Django Unchained. This is pronounced, 'Jango Unchained'. Up until a few days ago, I called it 'De-jango'. It was very embarrassing. Like all Tarantino's films, this will no doubt have a massive pop culture following. It's cool and very well done, dealing with the difficult topic of slavery, but so much unnecessary violence. De-join me in having a look (hehe). 

Beginning- Goodbye poor horse, WESTERN! 

It is 1858, 2 years before the beginning of the Civil War. The film opens with some bright red Flintstone-esque font, with some slaves walking in the background in chains. There is a good original song playing in the background. The music is well done in this film. Camera skips, Django is marching with his fellow slaves through a wood. It is all very eery. A horse driven cart with a giant tooth on it approaches. The slave owner looks pissed off. It's Harry from Dexter! Hey you! The guy in the cart starts speaking. He sounds exactly like John Malkovich. He is called 'King Schultz'. He wants to buy Django. Harry won't sell Django. King shoots a horse in the head, and Harry in the head. First bit of over the top blood squirting and violence! Whoop! King frees Django, and tells the other slaves they can either kill their master, who is trapped beneath the cruelly murdered horse, or take him to a doctor. That man gonna die! He does, he is shot in the head as well. 

Django and King arrive in a cowboy town. I forgot this film was a Western! WESTERN! Saloons, saloon doors, cowboy hats, sheriffs. King is wearing a coat that makes him look like an armadillo: 

There is a lot of, 'Why is that n**** on a horse?' King reveals he is a bounty hunter. He shoots a sheriff. He reveals to the town that he killed him because the sheriff was a wanted criminal with a fake name, and has the documents to prove it. HA! The town owes him $200. Django and King are talking later in a very rocky hide out. FLASHBACK. Django is married to a beautiful girl called 'Broomhilda', but she is being whipped and he is wearing a horrible slave mask. A man in very 20th century looking bright yellow glasses is mean to him. Did those sunglasses really exist in the Wild West? 

Dandy blue suit

King needs Django to point out three brothers with a bounty on their heads. Django gets to pick his own outfit. He picks a very attention seeking one: 

King and Django arrive at a very beautiful pastel plantation in Tennessee with all these floating ethereal trees and white flowers. These trees are a big feature in the film, get used to them. Django goes with King to find the three brothers. There are more violent flashbacks of Django and his wife trying to run away. He finds the brothers. He kills the brothers. He says, ‘I like the way you die boy’, which is cool. King does his sneaky bounty contract move. I can see this failing at some point, I certainly won't be trying it myself. 

The dentist cart is in a valley, which is approached by a bunch of men riding ferociously on horses. It is all very 'Gandalf and the riders of Rohan saving the day' in Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, only with racists not saving the day with bags on their heads. Oh, Jonah Hill is there! They have a conversation about the bags. The men get blown up and shot at by King and Django.  King says if Django bounty hunts with him all winter, they will go and rescue Django's wife. Does Django like being a bounty hunter? ‘Kill white folks and get paid for it. What’s not to like?’. I know many critics have complained about how much this movie likes killing white people, but I don’t have time to form an opinion because LORD OF THE RINGS SCENE AGAIN! They are basically in Middle Earth, riding towards Gondor. 

King and Django travel through the snow and collect bounties. Django practises on a snowman, which is a very cool shot and I can imagine being made into some kind of graffiti later on, like Pulp Fiction and the banana. King has a nice chinchilla coat, I like it better than the armadillo coat. They travel to Mississippi and find ‘Calvin Candie’, owner of ‘Candyland’, bought Broomhilda. This just reminds me of Willy Wonka, the creepiest children's character invented. Apparently Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) likes to be called ‘Monsieur’, but he can’t speak French. I get the feeling he is going to be a total dandy. Yep, he is dressed like a dandy. Candie is watching two slaves wrestle ('Mandingo' wrestling) in front of the fire, and who is also watching? HARRY! HARRY IS BACK! But he got shot in the head! Some people think this is a hark back to the spaghetti western tradition where an actor played two roles due to lack of funding Some think, because he got shot in the head and is wearing a hat but there was a sign saying ‘no hats’, he somehow survived but has no top of his head? I think it’s probably the first reason, there are a lot of clever references to Westerns in here. Oh god, violent Mandingo fight, broken arm, eyes taken out, can’t watch, try to watch on silent, can’t watch, skip forward to end. They are in the ‘Julius Caesar’ room, which is clever, as gladiator fighting, etc. Someone asks Django what his name is and how to spell it. 'Django, the 'D' is silent'. That line is on the film advertising poster. Candy is drinking a fancy coconut drink.

He agrees to see them about King buying a Mandingo fighter, which is actually a ruse to buy Broomhilda- they will buy the fighter for $12,000, get Broomhilda for way less, then run away without the fighter and signing the contract. They go to Candyland. 

Candyland, with sunglasses and Hamlet

Everyone is riding to Candyland. Django is wearing John Lennon glasses. Did the Wild West have its own hippy movement in the 19th century I don't know about? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE SUNGLASSES IN THIS FILM.

Django imagines he sees Broomhilda. I love the visions in this film, they show how much he loves her and is thinking about her. There is some rap music. There is a slave up a tree surrounded by dogs. Uh oh. Candie gets all sassy with the slave. King, because he is adorable and kind, tries to buy the slave. Django says, nope. Wow, douche bag. Candie lets the dogs rip up the slave. Fast forward. Candie is watching Django closely. Leo has always reminded me of Puss in Boots, he looks like a little cat. They arrive at the fancy plantation. The ethereal trees are floating around. This movie isn't as colourful as Tarantino's other films, and I think he is trying to contrast the pastel, beautiful landscape with the horrific violence and cruelty of slavery, as symbolized by this shot: 

It works. Samuel L Jackson emerges from the house as a slave called 'Steven' with very white eyebrows. He is not a happy little bunny. He clearly adores Candie and has a long history in the family, as 'yo daddy would be rolling in his grave!' to see Django on a horse. What an odd slave, maybe he has Stockholm syndrome? I sense he is evil. King asks if they have any slaves who speak German (Broomhilda can speak German), and they reveal she is locked in a box. Django looks distraught. She is released from the box. Candie's sister, a female dandy if ever there was one, comes waltzing down and kisses Candie on the lips. Oh god, weird sister brother relationship. King informs Broomhilda of the plot in German. Django reveals himself. Broomhilda faints. King says, 'you silver tongued devil you'. I LOVE HIM. They all go to a dinner party. Steven correctly deduces Broomhilda knows Django, because they are not being subtle at all, keep staring at each other, and have matching 'r' scars from when they ran away together. He tells Candie he has been tricked. Candie goes cray. He re-emerges wearing eyeliner, and starts babbling on in a very racist way, holding a skull. 

To be, or not to be? To wear eyeliner, or not wear eyeliner? 

He demands 'the man with the exceptional beard' pay $12,000 for Broomhilda. King agrees, because he is a lovely man. When Candie is signing the contract, King has flashbacks about the slave ripped apart by dogs. My violence limit is being reached. It shows how much it all effects King, like Django's vision of Broomhilda. King gets all sassy with Candie. Candie demands they shake hands. King shoots him. He then says, 'I couldn't resist', and lets another man shoot him. GOODBYE KING I LOVE YOU!

Violence limit reached

Django tries to kill everyone. There is a shoot out in the plantation house, very much like in Kill Bill where she kills the crazy 88. So. Much. Blood. I feel sick. This is horrible. Fast forward. I'm not sure I can carry on watching. It's fine in Kill Bill with the samurai swords because it is so exaggerated it is funny, but this is breaking bones and plucked out eyes and horrible gun shot wounds and so much blood and gore everywhere and urgh. It basically looks like this: 

I get how the cruelty towards the slaves is necessary to show the brutal history realistically, but this shoot out is like that stupid bit in Inglorious Basterds with the hammer and the Jew hunter, which also traumatized me. Anyway, Samuel holds Broomhilda hostages and Django drops his guns. Django is tortued. I can't watch. Fast forward. He is taken to the mines to be worked to death, and Broomhilda is taken to be a sex slave. Django shows the slave drivers his bounty hunter contract, and tricks them that there are some criminals with a high price on them back at the plantation. When they free him, he kills the slaves and steals their dynamite. He returns to Candyland in a fancy purple and gold suit. Always with the showy suits, this one. He kills everyone, including the creepy sister, and evil Steven (which reminds me of Even Stevens, which is so much easier to watch than this, because no one gets their bones slowly broken on camera). Django puts on his John Lennon sunglasses and blows up Candyland. What a cool cat. Django approaches Broomhilda, and makes his pony do some cool prancey tricks. He says, 'hey little trouble maker'. The pony is spinning around in circles. The pony is taking prancey steps. The pony seems as much as a show off as its owner, I bet if it could pick a suit it would pick a bright blue one with a fancy collar as well. There is a flashback to King (yey!) in the snow, saying, 'they will call you the fastest gun in the south'. WESTERN! Shot switches back to the burning Candyland. THE END.

Summary

I liked a lot of things about this movie. The flashbacks, the visions, the shots in general, the beautiful landscape, good acting, the music. But I don't think I'll ever be able to watch it again because, TOO MUCH. Maybe that's just me being a massive sissy, maybe not. 

New Girl S02 E16: Table 34 (Or, How Long Can Schmidt Get Away With Racism Before He Is Called Up On It / Arrested?)

Ooooo, the morning after. In last week's New Girl, Nick and Jess shared an incredibly passionate kiss. But she is with Dr Sam! Ahhh! This episode showed how they both reacted the next day, and the consequences. I am now scared the kiss was a one off to keep people watching, and nothing is actually going to happen between Nick and Jess for ages and ages and ages. 

Stupid Moonwalking
The episode starts with Nick silently screaming in his room. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was Nick or Schmidt for a while:

Then I started thinking, is this what Nick and Schmidt's son would look like? Or, maybe, stop being stupid Charlotte, these actors just look remarkably similar when they scream? Whatever, it was Nick. Nick is talking to himself, 'man, you kissed her, you idiot'. Jess can't sleep. Nick is waiting outside Jess' bedroom door and she opens it and silent screams. He freaks out and moonwalks (more on this later) away from her. Jess nearly tells Sam, but then he is cute and tells her she looks beautiful in the morning. 

Winston had the best sex of his life last night. He was 'pretty good'. He has his mojo back. I am mildly, mildly happy for him. 

Jess is at Cece's bitching about Nick. She is realistically dressed for an angry, confused person who left her flat in a hurry, wearing a boring shirt and her hair tied back. 

Nick 'panic moonwalked' away from her. I don't get the moonwalking thing at all. When they kissed, she 'saw through space and time for a minute, but that's not the point'. Yes it is! It is very much the point! And no, you didn't see 'through space and time', because, wtf? What would that even be? Seeing into...nothing? Cece misses sex. Way to be supportive of your best mate's crisis, Cece. Jess goes all weird and spluttering when asked if she likes Nick. 'Sam fixed things you didn't know were broken, and Nick is the kind of guy who breaks things...he breaks things!' Aw, but his uselessness is so adorable! Jess wants to spend the day with Cece. Cece is going to an INDIAN MARRIAGE CONVENTION. 

Schmidt is also going. He is wearing this:

He is going to stop Cece marrying a 'brown man'. When is Schmidt going to stop getting away with it, and actually just be labelled a racist? How far are the writers going to push it? For example, he can speak conversation Hindi, which is apparently 'hello...hello...samosa...where are the white people toilets?' Nick is coming too. 'Mojo man' (Winston, don't worry about it) is also going. Everyone is going! Look how that worked out!

Indian Speed Dating

Despite not going back to the loft, Jess has managed to transform her boring shirt into an beautiful dainty dress. I take back what I said about the fashion realism. Nick sees Jess and 'panick moonwalks' (urgh) away from her. I have mentioned it three times so far, so fine, this is what 'panick moonwalking' looks like: 

Nick tells Winston he kissed Jess. Winston hits him. He says if he doesn't fix it, Nick will have to move out, and he doesn't want Nick to move out because he doesn't like living with Nick because he has centipedes living under the bed? Make sense, Winston. 

Schmidt says to Cece: 'You are the nut. I'm the squirrel. I'm going to hide you in my cheek, girl'. Cece tells him there is more to life than sex and to leave it alone.

Nick approaches Jess. She is all sassy, 'oh, you can walk normally now I see'. Nick apologizes and says it meant nothing. There is a long conversation where they both try and get the other person to admit the kiss meant something. 

At the Indian marriage convention, people with similar 'resumes and education are sat together'. Nick is sat with Cece. Cece thinks there has been a mistake. She is a professional model, not a part time bartender. I felt quite sorry for her. Winston get's assigned a 'seat' on the sexual Indian lady's lap. She molests him. Apparently he looks like a 'jumpy cat'. 

I can see the resemblance. Any who, Jess is at Schmidt's table, and he feels 'slightly insulted'. Sam rocks up. Cece can't get a hula hoop over her head. Things aren't going well for Cece in this episode. Jess and Sam can't get the hula hoop over either. If that isn't a sign of being incompatible and probably breaking up later in the episode, I don't know what is. Everyone has to make a table out of paper and tape. Nick says, 'it was like a fairytale, that kiss'. Cute. This is ruined, when he says basically the same line that police officer in Canada said that caused the Slut Walk, that girls who dress provocatively deserve to get raped: 

'You should take some responsibility. Tarting around in your soft pink robe, expecting not to get kissed. I'm a man!'. 

Woahh...oh, it's fine, 'pink robes are his catnip'. Apparently Jess and Nick win the table contest. Nick is angry and tries to show the table is crap by jumping up and down on it. It doesn't break. Sam sadly says, 'strong table'. 

Cece is doing speed dating. She gets asked why she decided to be a model. 'I didn't think about it, someone just said they would pay me for being pretty'. She sounds like an idiot. The man accuses her of not thinking through decisions. I feel sorry for her again. Schmidt gets angry. Cece hypothesises that her and Nick are at table 34 because 'they don't think things through'. Jess tells Sam about Nick. Sam storms off. Nick and Jess run after him. Sam hits Nick. Here are the happy couple: 

Jess says, 'he is in such bad shape! you could have killed him!'. Dr Sam breaks up with Jess. I think he is over reacting, personally. They could have kept him around for a couple of episodes longer, because I like the character that is Dr Sam and the actor who plays him, he has a funny twitter bio. Winston sets the sexual Indian lady up with someone else. This plot line passed me by like a paper bag being blown around the street. I noticed it, but it was so nothing I just walked straight past it and forgot about it (although I like to think I would put a paper bag in the bin). Schmidt gives a big speech about how amazing Cece is, and how no one has noticed. 'Get your crap together, India! Schmidt, out!'. 

Back Where We Started

Jess is crying at home, Nick is dancing to Taylor Swift to try and cheer her up. Nick says, 'I've never been a home wrecker. But I liked it. Sam was threatened by me. That was a victory'. Jess says the relationship was a bit broken anyway, because he liked to 'fist bump in the morning'. They awkward hug. Nick says, 'I'm glad everything is back to normal'. Cece and Schmidt have sex. 

This episode was quite good, although I'm sad Dr Sam is gone and that Nick and Jess are just friends again. But they shocked me with the romantic plot last time, so maybe they will do it again soon. I think its building up to a grand romantic declaration in the final episode of this season. I also like Schmidt and Cece together, and Winston was Winston. I've given up on that man. Schmidt, out.