Okay, okay. I realise I have missed out on reviewing a few New Girl episodes. None of them particularly stood out for me anyway and I was so so bored of the whole Nick Jess 'will they won't they maybe yes but no but yes broken fish tank but no but yes weird date oh hey russell but no again' thing. Anyway, this episode was a classic and 'New Girl' is back on top form, so let's begin.
BEFORE THE WEDDING
The guys (and Jess) are lining up for a photo. Jess's dad, who disapproves of Nick, tries to make him walk out the photo. Kind of a pointless opening, but meh. INDIAN WEDDING TIMES. Nick and Jess are being coupley. Hmmmmm. Do you like them as a couple? I'm not sure I like them as a couple. They both use an insane amount of hand gestures round each other. Like, wtf (why the face?) is this:
Ewwwww. Winston actually makes me laugh when he sees a celebrity badger (I'm not even going to bother guessing why a celebrity badger is at an Indian wedding...or why a badger is a celebrity in the first place) and says 'I have a sweater with his face on it, and on it he is wearing a sweater with HIS face on it'. Oh Winston. Another stab at Winston character development is that 'he has a thing about badgers', to go with 'he loves pranks but is terrible at them'. I like the badger thing better.
I couldn't get a screen shot of the badger, but trust me, its there in that elaborate gold cage surrounded by an army of backpack wearing red sweater wearing boy scouts. This show is getting weirder and weirder. Anyway,we cut to Schmidt and Elizabeth. I LOVE ELIZABETH. A photo of Cece is creepily gazing over her shoulder, as I fear she always will be in this relationship:
By the way, how short does Shivrang look in that photo? Ha! They are super cute. But not for long...Schmidt stumbles in on Cece getting ready for her wedding and they exchange loving looks. Well, I assume they were meant to be loving looks, Cece was acting like she was about to be marched to the gas chamber:
Seriously, it's true Hannah Simone's character has been on the back burner this season, but that didn't mean she had to make Cece into some kind of tragic heroine. Also, by being a great girlfriend and reminding him to go to the bathroom, Elizabeth has single handedly signed her own death warrant as Schmidt's girlfriend! Noooo! A second also, why was Jess being so annoying? Schmidt didn't murder anyone, he just walked into the wrong room. Stop being such a douche. Schmidt is convinced Cece doesn't want to get married because she said it 'with her eyes'. Jess keeps being a control freak and says if Schmidt messes up, she will 'bust him hard'. Sure. Queue more annoying behaviour / hand gestures from Jess and Nick:
Winston looks how I feel. Schmidt still wants to sabotage the wedding. Winston admits 'I love pranks'. WE KNOW. Nick seems to possess Jess's bossy, irritating personality for a second and shouts at them, complete with hand gestures. But Winston and Schmidt will still sabotage the wedding.
SABO PART 1: HORSE AND SONG
Shivrang rides in on Shadowfax. Nick tells of Schmidt again, looking like an imbecile whilst doing so carrying Jess's bright pink bag, and Schmidt brutally puts him down, accusing him of changing to try and please Jess. It's true, but didn't he also kind of need to change? He was a 30 year old, depressed alcoholic with a part time bar job. I think him cleaning up his act is one of the more positive outcomes of their relationship. Schmidt blows a trumpet and the horse spooks. Farewell for now, Shivrang!
And so begins the slowest wedding in history. Seriously, when Elizabeth said it was 30 hours long, did she actually mean it? There is a hilarious moment where Jess accuses Schmidt of the horse incident and he keeps saying 'Was I?' (I realise this doesn't convey the humour very well). Here comes the bride who arranged her own arranged marriage / the now apparently persecuted tragic heroine:
Then 'Cotton Eyed Joe' starts playing! I haven't heard that song in ageees. We get some great Schmidt facial acting:
Seriously, Schmidt's faces are amazing in this episode, almost knocking 'Parking Spot' off the pedestle. In the next seen, brilliant facial expressoins have been replaced with some incredibly annoying Winston hand gesturing (seriously, is it written into their contracts now?) as he screams 'PRANKS!' and runs out the room. Eurgh.
Jess goes all bitchy at Nick and there is a funny flash back to him fist pumping to the song. She calls him 'childish'. Blah blah blah. Nick is incredibly pissed off and immediately decides to join in the 'Sabo' (short for 'sabotage'). Which does kind of prove Nick IS childish still, because, come on. But also, I like him so much better like this anyway so hey ho. Hand gesture city!
SABO PART 2: BADGER IN THE DUCTS
Schmidt shows up and says to Jess, 'We went too far. It's bad. It's really bad'. Is he acting? I can't tell. Apparently it was Winston's idea. Jess looks horrified. 'Oh my god!' I guess this is a hint at how bad Winston is at pranks but since no one cares Winston is bad at pranks I'm going to assume absolutely no viewers reacted the way Jess did. But then: 'WINSTON IS IN THE AIR DUCTS WITH A BADGER. NICK IS THERE TOO'. Haaaaaaaaa! Cut to the 'ducts', and true enough they are both there with the badger. Nick suddenly acts all shocked and says, 'You're going to drop a badger on a priest???' I'm sorry...did he seriously get in the ducts without asking what the plan was? What did he think the plan was? What else could the plan really be, except to drop the badger somewhere? Moron. Jess realises Nick wasn't in on the plan at first (but become involved to enact revenge? Is that better?) and Schmidt keeps yelling 'He's in the ducts! THE DUCTS!' and it made me laugh a lot. In an attempt to get his phone, Nick kicks open the badger cage...
...and 'New Girl' became a horror film.
Jess climbs into the ducks and has a boring heart to heart with Nick, and Nick complains how she thinks 'he will screw everything up'. Which is a massively odd accusation by someone who is, right now, in the process of TRYING to screw everything up. Jess admits, under intense questioning, that there is 'a small part' of her that thinks Nick is 'too much of a mess' (his words, not hers) and he acts like he has been shot. Drama queen. Also, I really think this show tries to pretend Nick is a much bigger 'mess' than he actually is. THEN THIS HAPPENS:
As Nick, Jess and the badger fall through the ceiling, and I think that badger puppet falling through the air complete with snarling sounds might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV. There is carnage as Nick and Jess crush the wedding pavillion, and Cece, fearing the attention is being taken away from her, overacts some more:
Someone give this woman an Oscar! Jess's dad shoots disapproving glares at Nick, and Winston carries on talking to himself in the airducts, symbolising his position throughout the entire series: pointless, constant isolation. Anyway, Cece calls off the wedding because she wants to 'be with someone else', who I am assuming is Schmidt, and its kind of out of the blue because she hasn't been acting particularly interested at all this season. AND MY HEART IS BREAKING:
Cece, you monster!!! You had your chance! Shivrang is fine with it, because he is actually in love with....TAYLOR SWIFT!
Taylor Swift is a terrible actress and keeps talking about easels (?). Then she leaves. Love celebrity cameos. Cece says 'I feel slightly rejected', and Jess says 'well, you were slightly rejected'. Ha! She makes me laugh again when she says, 'I don't think the badger is rabid, I just think he's kind of a dick'. I'm starting to like Jess again.
ROMANTIC TROUBLES
Nick goes up to Jess and 'calls it', saying 'its not like we are in love', when the entire of season 2 proves the opposite. There is no dramatic tension and I really don't care because its obvious they will make it up. What a pointless non break up moment. Nick is such a drama queen. I know I've already said it once, but I'm saying it again god damn it! An upset Jess walks off and shakes her pony tail.
Meanwhile Elizabeth, the only character talking sense at the moment, is saying to Schmidt that 'you must have feelings for her, you tried to SABOTAGE HER WEDDING'. And she is right! Schmidt defends himself: 'It only seems romantic because its a wedding. I would be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know, her tax audit'. Ha! Then Cece rocks up. The symbolic moment from earlier came true! I wish she would f off. Elizabeth gets straight to it. 'It was Schmidt, you were talking about, right?' I love her directness! Cece admits that yes, it is Schmidt, and says sorry to Elizabeth. Elizabeth says, 'don't apologize, it isn't your problem, its Schmidt's'. Schmidt is like:
And I agree! This is CECE'S problem, not Schmidt's! SHE is the one who dumped him and THEN called off her wedding to be with him when he was WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And I know that is supposed to be romantic but she annoys me so much it isn't! Anyway, they tell Schmidt to choose, and Schmidt does what would probably happen in a real life situation, and runs away.
Winston appears out the air vent and is 'pretty dizzy'. No one cares. Nick is drinking at the bar, blah blah blah. 'Now I am going to drink because that is my move'. Then Winston says, 'that was also your dad's move'. AHHH insightful Winston! I'm impressed. 'You know, there are other moves'. Winston you are so wise! Nick, you are a moron for not realising this sooner.
BORING ROMANTIC END
Jess and Nick both want to 'uncall it'. What a dramatic 20 minutes. Jess is sobbing and says 'before you say no, don't say no', and I think it is supposed to be a Pam / Jim Ross / Rachel type of dramatic romantic line but I'm just not feeling it because the whole 'call it' situation is so stupid anyway. It's not like Pam and Jim, where Pam was engaged, and it isn't like Ross andRachel, where Ross slept with someone else 3 hours after they broke up (woaahh, am I picking a side in the 'we were broken up' camp? Who knows). This was literally stupid drama created for no reason what so ever. Anyway...
Nick makes me laugh when he starts saying 'Where do we come from? Where do we go? Where do we come from?' and then ruins it by saying 'That was Cotton Eyed Joe, wasn't it?' Erm....yes? By the way, what does 'cotton eyed' actually mean? Does he have cotton for eyes? Who knows. Anyway, that's what I'm thinking about as Nick and Jess disappear into the night in the limousine. THE END.
A good end to a good season. I thought the beginning of this season was a lot funnier, and the latter half got massively taken over by the incredibly boring Nick / Jess scenario (as I may have already mentioned). I have never seen a relationship so dragged out, but I know that is kind of the point. Anyway, I'm excited to see where they take it in season 3. I hope more Nick / Jess drama isn't created out of no where, and I hope Schmidt chooses Elizabeth because I love heerrr. And I hope Winston gets some kind of dramatic / any kind of anything storyline. Anyway, see you next season!
