Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Or, I Will Pay Someone £1,000,000 To Assassinate the Fictional Character Bella Swan)

Hahaha. That 'Hahaha' is referring to the entire Twilight saga in general. That 'Hahaha' is also directed at Kristen Stewart. 'Hahaha, you got caught cheating, in your face. So, Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2. I'm not going to do good and bad points for this because, let's face it, it's all bad. The only good point is that it is so bad it is hilarious. I was wandering why I went to see the film at all, and then I realised. IMPRINTING. Like the wolves IMPRINT on people in Twilight, the Twilight sage has IMPRINTED on me(!!!). I can't escape. It won't leave me alone. It's everywhere. I have been worn down into submission. Anyway, so this film was bad. I think the Twilight team have stopped taking themselves seriously, as illustrated by this hilarious stuffed wolf at one of the premiers: 

Let's begin. 

BELLA-AWFUL-VAMPIRE-WEIRD-BABY

Bella is now a vampire. Bella = any feminist's worst nightmare in an irritating, boring, lip-biting, mumbling package of awkwardness. They have actually managed to make her look very attractive as a vampire. Boooooooo! She goes prancing around in a wood at super speed with Edward, and then catches the scent of a HUMAN. She pursues the human in a scene which I think must be any man's (except RPatz and Rupert Saunder's) worst nightmare come true: Kristen Stewart slithering up a cliff at super speed with bright red eyes to come and get you. Shudder. Here is a picture of her hunting a mountain lion: 

Kill her for me, mountain lion!

Bella goes home and meets her baby, who Jacob has IMPRINTED on. The scary, potato baby with teeth reminds me of a Mandrake from the Harry Potter films: 

Ha! That might be the worst picture comparison I've ever done. I'm sorry, I take it back. Still, its a weird CGI baby. Bella finds out Jacob has imprinted on her baby and goes NUTS. She then finds out he has nicknamed her 'Nessie' and goes DOUBLE NUTS (what?) Her voice goes all weird and deep. Here is a dodgy, pirated YouTube video to show you how weird it is: 

Nice acting, KStew. That deep, manly voice really convinces me you are now a vampire, even though I remember in the books (that's right, I've read the books, back off) that they have voices 'like tinkling bells' or some equally contrived, badly written simile. 

Blah blah blah 'I'm a vampire'. Bella has loads of sex with Edward in a weird little seaside cottage, that would be cute if it was by the seaside, but it is in the middle of a dense forest so it's not.The Cullens have been pretending Bella is seriously ill (I wish) to Charlie, so she won't eat him. They decide to move away. So Jacob goes and takes his shirt off in front of Charlie and turns into a wolf. And thus occurs the token-tween-and-let's-face-it-adult-pleasing-topless-Taylor-Launter-shot. It's getting hot in here, so take of all your clothes! ('Here' is a rainy, cold forest near Washington). 

Charlie goes to see Bella and gives the increasingly ginger Carlisle:

a dirty look for pretending Bella was in Switzerland, or something. Carlisle is like, 'mildly chastised whoops'. Bella doesn't eat Charlie because her vampire gift (remember that vampires have gifts?) is 'super self control'. Haha. Lamest gift ever. Like Bella is the lamest person ever! How apt. 

7 BORING FANCY HOUSE MONTHS

The Cullens hang out in their neutral coloured, fancy house for 7 months. But they must have some angst in their rich, immortal lives, so they fret over Renesmee because she is growing at an ALARMING rate. They must go to Brazil!! They must search for cures on Google! An incredibly average blonde vampire called 'Irina' sees Renesmee hover (lol) into the sky to catch a snowflake, and goes to the Volturi to report an IMMORTAL CHILD. This is Irina: 

Seriously? Vampires are meant to be the most beautiful, amazing, ridiculously attractive people in the entire world, the Twilight casting agents probably have the most beautiful, amazing, ridiculously attractive people in the entire world of Hollywood on speed dial, and the only person they could come up with was her? Eesh. Anyway, Alice has a VISION about the Volturi. They are coming to kill Renesmee! (Have I mentioned how stupid the name 'Renesmee' is yet, by the way? Because it is. Almost as stupid as 'Apple'. Looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow). 

VAMPIRES VAMPIRES VAMPIRES

Alice and Jasper (the vampire with the ever changing I'm-from-Texas-Oh-wait-no-I'm-not accent) run away and leave a sad note. This is because Alice has seen in the future they are all going to die :(. This is Bella's (incorrect as usual) conclusion. But Alice says, 'You still must gather all the vampires!'. All the vampires in the world are to be gathered to witness the growth of Renesmee. We get a break from the dull monotony of the forests and lakes and rain and Bella and grey of Forks. The vampires are from England, Egypt, London, the Amazon etc. Here they all are on the Cullen's annual camping trip:

Whatever, boring. They have different powers, like creating a hallucination of a green screen rainforest and moving 'the elements'. Bella has a power too, she can 'shield' people. I wish she would 'shield' me from how annoying she is. Edward gives a dramatic speech wearing an uncharacteristic, very large black hoodie. I feel the speech would have been more dramatic had he not been wearing a hoodie. I also feel that, unless Edward is now a rapper / hip hop back up video dancer, he should not be wearing that hoodie at all. 

BATTLE (Well, not really). 

It is time for battle. Oh wait, before this Bella goes to meet a man to pick up a passport for Renesmee and Jacob so they can flee if the battle turns bad. Bella is even more unlikeable as a vampire, by the way. More emotionless, more sullen. No flaws you can relate to, such as when she used to fall over all the time. Unless you are a total tool, and then you can relate to her just fine. The CGI wolves are back! Yey! At least they aren't talking this time. Remember this scene from the last film? 

Hideous. This was almost as funny as the talking dogs from UP, and they were actually meant to be funny ('Squirrel!'). The Volturi line up dramatically. There is a lot of talking that I can't really remember. Martin Sheen is great and having a ball of a time: 

Ha! Alice returns. She tries to kick Aro! Aro kidnaps her! Carlisle goes crazy and runs at Aro! (By the way, from what I know of Carlisle, and believe me I know him well, he doesn't seem the kind of guy to snap like that, but whatever). Carlisle gets BEHEADED?? Whaaaaaat? EVERYONE FIGHTS! JASPER GETS BEHEADED! JANE GETS DRAGGED TO HER DEATH! AN ANONYMOUS WOLF WE ARE MEANT TO BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY DIES! EDWARD FALLS DOWN A HOLE! EDWARD FLIES OUT THE HOLE (haha)! BELLA DOESN'T DIE! BOOO! ARO DIES! HIS HEAD IS ON THE FLOOR! EVERYTHING IS BURNING! WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?!?!? This scene had so many people gasping and shrieking in the outrage at the cinema. 'What? What on earth? This isn't in the book...how dare they! HOW DARE THEY! This doesn't happen! This is ridiculous! This is just too far! Hollywood always butchers literature (literature? lol)! I'm leaving!'. Fear not, melodramatic cinema goers. Because...

It was all a dream. 

Basically. Yes, they went there. It was a vision of the future in Aro's head. He decides not to attack the Cullens because it would end with him beheaded on the floor. Crisis resolved. Crisis also resolved by another half-human-half-vampire-immortal (can't believe I'm typing these sentences) who rocks up from Brazil (this film is obsessed with Brazil) and shows Renesmee won't become dangerous, because he is not dangerous. Bella looked ridiculous throughout the whole scene

THE END

They all live happily ever after. Bella is still a tool. Bella still dresses badly. Bella is still a dreadful ice queen of a mother whom I am yet to see touch her own baby. Robert Pattinson still wears an expression of mild sarcastic amusement, which makes me think he hasn't even bothered acting in this film, because he knows its a total joke. Carlisle is still ginger. Bella and Robert Pattinson and Jacob and Renesmee all hang out in the future on the beach, and its weird because they all look the same age, and it makes me think how I wouldn't like parents who would forever look the same age as me. Or parents who are Bella Swan. They all live happily ever after. There are dramatic black and white photos of all the cast with weird emo Imogen Heap like music. The only funny bit was when KStew's picture came on and everyone started hissing. Yey! I agree with you, melodramatic cinema goers! HISSSSSSSSS to this whole film!

Goodbye, Twilight saga, and good riddance.



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