It's been a long and bumpy road, and the final two seasons have been less of a road and more of a terrifying descent down a roadless cliff into badly written story lines, poor acting, and things that just don't make sense. Like my above metaphor. Season 6 has been especially bad. Don't believe me? Take a look at this gem of a scene from last week's episode:
This scene had me staring at my computer in confusion for a while, wandering if someone had gone out of their way to make an incredibly convincing parody of Gossip Girl. How did he get from standing on the roof to hanging off the edge in less than a second? Who knows. What is with the music? Who knows. Is it a joke? Sadly, probably not, but then again, who knows. Only the writers of the show, and probably not even them. Let's have a look at the final episode.
CHAIR'S WEDDING
The episode begins with a song comparing Blair and Chuck to Bonnie and Clyde. Cool. They run off into hiding, get found by Uncle Jack (always jokes) and then get told if they get MARRIED, they can escape a MURDER CHARGE because Blair can't testify against Chuck. Hmmmm. Sure. Let's suspend our disbelief, its the final episode. So Blair and Chuck get married. Yeyyy! And then they get arrested! Noooo! (But remember, this is Gossip Girl, so it will be resolved in about 3 seconds).
I love these outfits, especially Blair's dress. So much better than the dress she wore to marry the expressionless, sugar-wouldn't-melt-turns-evil Louis. I'm not entirely sure why Sage, Nate's 16 year old concubine, was at the wedding, but never mind. Blair and Chuck rock up at Blair's apartment 5 minutes later, with little explanation, but both looking very relaxed and happy and not at all like they just got hauled into jail to be questioned for killing someone. Ah, the Upper East Side.
GOSSIP GIRL
So this was the finale's big reveal. Gossip Girl. The disembodied voice of Kirsten Bell. Kirsten Bell was actually in this episode pretending to auditioning for Dan's movie, which I thought was funny. Not Dan's movie, which won't be funny because he is a terrible writer, but the fact they used Kirsten Bell like that. She then broke the 4th wall by winking at the camera, letting everyone know the Gossip Girl writers had well and truly let go of the reigns and anything could now happen. Was it all a dream? Also featuring cameos was the New York major, and loads of past characters such as Vanessa (hisssss), Juliet, and Jenny's fashion model friend, which seemed a bit of a poor cameo, but I enjoyed all the rest.
So Gossip Girl is....DAN!!!!!!
Gossip Girl is not Dan. The writers decided at the last minute they needed a Gossip Girl, and made it Dan. Want to know why Gossip Girl cannot be Dan? It can be explained in just about every episode in the past 6 years that features a Gossip Girl blast concerning Dan, notable ones being where Gossip Girl posts Dan slept with a teacher and he nearly got expelled, or when Gossip Girl posts that him and Serena share a sibling (remember him? I think he must have died, because I can think of no other explanation to why Rufus or Lily haven't mentioned or visited their love child in the past 3 years, or why he wasn't at Dan's own wedding). Anyway, here is the Gossip Girl writers attempt to explain it:
Whatever, I'm going to pretend this didn't happen.
Oh, I forgot about Nate's storyline: Nate tries to find who Gossip Girl is to save his newspaper, but it is Nate so he can't because he can't do anything, so Dan tells him he is Gossip Girl and Nate's newspaper gets saved. As usual, the Nate Archibald part of the episode can be summarised in 2 lines. If he wasn't so hot, I am convinced they would have written him out 3 years ago when Serena dumped him, and thus when his function as a character that actually matters and helps move the plot along was over.
5 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
We are now 5 years in the future. How very O.C., but I liked it.
Nate: Nate is running for Major. Lol? 1) Didn't they always try and stress how stupid Nate was? 2) Remember when he had a hissy fit when he had to do an internship at the Major's office? Didn't seem to be a future he relished or even remotely liked 3) Most importantly, can a 25 year old who never finished college (Well, I assumed none of them finished college, seen as it was a plot line for a year, and then never again mentioned), was a prostitute, has a dad that was arrested for fraud and got arrested for fraud himself really run for major? Although, I guess his grandfather does basically control the world, so it could be feasible. Anyway, he has a plane with 'The Spectator' written on it, so we all know New York's worst newspaper is still alive and kicking. At least Elizabeth Hurley is gone.
Chair (Blair and Chuck):
One picture:
One word: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Meet Henry Bass! Chuck and Blair's son! That she had when she was....22? Never mind, he is in a bow tie! A bow tie that matches Chuck's bow tie! And it's so cute! And it's by far my favourite part of the entire episode and probably the last 3 seasons! Blair and Chuck live in a cool house that is surprisingly messy and Dorota is still there and it's all great, even though Blair still works in fashion which I don't think is realistic since she always wanted to be the next Donald Trump or something and was extremely mean about working in fashion but fine. As J.K.Rowling said, 'All was well'. And better than well, seen as their son is way cuter than Harry and Ginny's (in your face), and way way way WAY cuter than the monstrosities that were Ron and Hermione's children.
Dan and Serena: Get married. Shudder. The two worst, meanest, most boring people in the entire world are now an official team. And Serena's wedding dress just proved that she is the worst, most attention seeking tool on the planet.
I mean, what the F is that? Who wears a golden wedding dress? 'I am a beautiful, shining star, and I must wear gold to reflect this'. Also, Dan's hair. Haha. And Eric and Jenny are back! Eric has a weird beard, and Jenny looks, as usual, like a starving evil raccoon wearing a blonde wig made of straw. Oh also, Lily is back with William because of an incredibly boring 3 minute plot line in the episode involving Ivy Dickens which I didn't understand (It did feature one funny line, where William called Ivy 'queen of the swamp people'. RAWWW get your claws out Daddy Van Der Woodsen!). Rufus is with Lisa Loeb, who I have never heard of, but many other people have heard of, so cool. Jack is with Georgina. What happened to her husband Philip and her child-who-was-once-Dan's-fake-child Milo? Who knows.
Goodbye, Gossip Girl! You provided me with so much amusement over the years (except you, Vanessa), and I will miss you. But I think we both know it's best that you let go now and pass into the void. Except you, Chuck Bass.
XOXO
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