New Girl S02 E17: Parking Spot (Or, The Many Faces Of Schmidt)

New Girl is pretty good at avoiding typical sitcom clichés, and this episode managed to continue to do that, as it both tackled the still lingering issue of Nick and Jess's kiss and also managed to be hilarious. My favourite episode for a while. There were two very distinct story lines, so I'm just going to tackle them one at a time. With the least important one last. Yes, the least important one does involve Winston. 

PARKING-SPOT-INDUCES-KISS-AWKWARDNESS

I'm not feeling the most titularly creative. The episode opens with Nick and Jess brushing their teeth. They are talking about how non-awkward it is they kissed. Sub text: it is extremely awkward. Schmidt comes in yelling that they have found out their flat has a parking space. Schmidt argues he deserves it. Jess plays the 'woman' card, Winston the 'race' card, Nick the 'lazy drunk' card. Winston quickly gives up and runs off on his own little sex adventure, documented below. Nick gives up. Jess v. Schmidt! Yey! Change the dynamic, have Jess interact with someone other than Nick and Cece for a change. So Nick has to pick who gets the parking space. He refuses. Jess yells after him, 'you can't escape destiny, she comes for us all, that relentless BITCH!' Jess tries to seduce Nick to get the spot. She has apparently decided to attempt it as a 'sexy goth' who wears a hoodie:

Nick gives her the spot. He tries to hug her. She pinches his nipples and runs off. Random form of hug-prevention. Anywho, both this episode and the one before, I was scornfully wondering, 'Why didn't they bother to show Schmidt's reaction to the kiss? Lazy devils'. But no...Schmidt only finds out RIGHT NOW. 4 WEEKS LATER. Probably a week later in sit-come time. He guesses, because can detect 'the lust and filth...its like freaking TIJUANA'. Isn't that where Marissa overdosed in the OC? Flasback! Here are some angry faces Schmidt makes about the kiss:

Boy, is he massively and weirdly mad. Turns out it was all a scheme to get the parking space, because after he says, 'Nick, if Winston kissed me, you would have been the first person I told...but I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere', and gets the parking space, his face then changes to THIS:

Utmost glee! Jess tries to nipple pinch Schmidt, and is all, 'Where are your nipples, man?!' He responds, 'I'll never tell'. I love Schmidt in this episode. Nick freaks out and tries to claim the space himself, after having an odd gesture war about who is being 'weirder' with Jess. PARKING SPACE RACE. Nick's car is under some cardboard, and he offers kids $5 to help him clean it. 'Don't negotiate with me, I will not go above $6!' Jess get's called a 'wacky bitch' by an old man. Nick sits in the spot in a chair. Jess hits Schmidt's car with her car, which seems a bit of an overreaction. All 3 are now in the parking spot. Schmidt rants about how Nick, Schmidt and Coach (remember him?) took a 'No Nail Oath' about Jess. Things take a serious turn next, when Jess calls Nick a 'coward' because he won't back her up. Schmidt hits on a hard truth: 'Why should he? Because he kissed, and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty?' OUCH...very true, he doesn't. Shcmidt then ruins it by saying 'bitches be crazy' and cackling like a gremlin. Nick goes on a rant about how he regrets the kiss, and Jess runs off. He runs after her. CUTE NICK AND JESS MOMENT. He says he couldn't help kissing her, she drops her fish sticks. It gets ruined by Schmidt. He reads the 'No Nail Oath': 'If one of us nails the said female, then all must nail her'. Hahahahahaha. Jess goes crazy. Schmidt wants to kiss Jess to make things 'normal'. He says, 'I'll be your hero'. The kiss goes horribly wrong, and thus concludes this review's recap of hilarious Schmidt faces:

They both yell 'mistake', and Schmidt admits he 'made it weirder'. Things cannot be resolved that easily, it seems!

WINSTON-CONDOM-YUM!

Winston actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, he had his own separate sub-plot again, and yes, it was about women and ridiculous sexual situations, but there was something about the way he sat screaming 'WHYYYY' on the ground I found very funny. PLOT SPOILER. Not really, it doesn't deserve the title of 'plot'. Maybe, 'comical digression'. DIGRESSION SPOILER. Basically, Winston wants to have sex with the girl, Daisy, he met two episodes ago. This has to be done very fast, as they are both super busy people. Also, Winston works nights, because he is a vampire. 

Just kidding, I can't actually remember why he works nights. Winston forgets a condom. Daisy is like, 'whaaaaat? get one right now. Bitch.' She is a sassy one. Winston runs to a drug store (how American of me. 'Pharmacist'.). He forgot his wallet because he put on Daisy's pants. They say 'YUM!' on the back in bright pink. It is funny. 

Winston gets thrown out the drug store. Winston runs to Cece's house. Cece is still doing the arranged marriage thing, apparently? With the annoying, overly English-accented, oh-look-how-splendid-my-punctuation-is-m'lord guy? Cece is kind of losing her place in the show, she isn't in it as much any more. Schmidt is her anchor, and she is drifting slowly away from him. Metaphor? What? Cece is also being a little sass monster (I'm loving the words 'sass' / 'sassy' at the moment, in case you haven't noticed), saying if Winston doesn't leave she will 'wring his neck'. Sure. Look how tiny your model arms are, Cece, before you go around making crazy statements like that. Winston is amusing in this scene. His story ends with him not being able to find Daisy's apartment, which is slightly unbelievable but fine, and him screaming 'WHYYYY' on the cold, cement, parking lot floor, complete with dramatic close up camera movements. 

It made me laugh out loud. I might actually like Winston now, or 'old Winny', as he calls himself.

The episode ends with Winston getting the parking space because of his failed sex adventure. Parking lots feature a lot in this episode. Is this a form of advertising? Is New Girl advertising parking lots now? Are parking lots the new 'Bing'? Anyway, all four actors (excluding Cece, seen as she was only on for about 15 seconds) were on top of their game, and the Nick / Jess situation was looked at in a way that managed to be both realistic, surprising and cute. New Girl is back on top form! Yey!

Django Unchained: My Violence Limit Has Been Officially Reached

So, Django Unchained. This is pronounced, 'Jango Unchained'. Up until a few days ago, I called it 'De-jango'. It was very embarrassing. Like all Tarantino's films, this will no doubt have a massive pop culture following. It's cool and very well done, dealing with the difficult topic of slavery, but so much unnecessary violence. De-join me in having a look (hehe). 

Beginning- Goodbye poor horse, WESTERN! 

It is 1858, 2 years before the beginning of the Civil War. The film opens with some bright red Flintstone-esque font, with some slaves walking in the background in chains. There is a good original song playing in the background. The music is well done in this film. Camera skips, Django is marching with his fellow slaves through a wood. It is all very eery. A horse driven cart with a giant tooth on it approaches. The slave owner looks pissed off. It's Harry from Dexter! Hey you! The guy in the cart starts speaking. He sounds exactly like John Malkovich. He is called 'King Schultz'. He wants to buy Django. Harry won't sell Django. King shoots a horse in the head, and Harry in the head. First bit of over the top blood squirting and violence! Whoop! King frees Django, and tells the other slaves they can either kill their master, who is trapped beneath the cruelly murdered horse, or take him to a doctor. That man gonna die! He does, he is shot in the head as well. 

Django and King arrive in a cowboy town. I forgot this film was a Western! WESTERN! Saloons, saloon doors, cowboy hats, sheriffs. King is wearing a coat that makes him look like an armadillo: 

There is a lot of, 'Why is that n**** on a horse?' King reveals he is a bounty hunter. He shoots a sheriff. He reveals to the town that he killed him because the sheriff was a wanted criminal with a fake name, and has the documents to prove it. HA! The town owes him $200. Django and King are talking later in a very rocky hide out. FLASHBACK. Django is married to a beautiful girl called 'Broomhilda', but she is being whipped and he is wearing a horrible slave mask. A man in very 20th century looking bright yellow glasses is mean to him. Did those sunglasses really exist in the Wild West? 

Dandy blue suit

King needs Django to point out three brothers with a bounty on their heads. Django gets to pick his own outfit. He picks a very attention seeking one: 

King and Django arrive at a very beautiful pastel plantation in Tennessee with all these floating ethereal trees and white flowers. These trees are a big feature in the film, get used to them. Django goes with King to find the three brothers. There are more violent flashbacks of Django and his wife trying to run away. He finds the brothers. He kills the brothers. He says, ‘I like the way you die boy’, which is cool. King does his sneaky bounty contract move. I can see this failing at some point, I certainly won't be trying it myself. 

The dentist cart is in a valley, which is approached by a bunch of men riding ferociously on horses. It is all very 'Gandalf and the riders of Rohan saving the day' in Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, only with racists not saving the day with bags on their heads. Oh, Jonah Hill is there! They have a conversation about the bags. The men get blown up and shot at by King and Django.  King says if Django bounty hunts with him all winter, they will go and rescue Django's wife. Does Django like being a bounty hunter? ‘Kill white folks and get paid for it. What’s not to like?’. I know many critics have complained about how much this movie likes killing white people, but I don’t have time to form an opinion because LORD OF THE RINGS SCENE AGAIN! They are basically in Middle Earth, riding towards Gondor. 

King and Django travel through the snow and collect bounties. Django practises on a snowman, which is a very cool shot and I can imagine being made into some kind of graffiti later on, like Pulp Fiction and the banana. King has a nice chinchilla coat, I like it better than the armadillo coat. They travel to Mississippi and find ‘Calvin Candie’, owner of ‘Candyland’, bought Broomhilda. This just reminds me of Willy Wonka, the creepiest children's character invented. Apparently Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) likes to be called ‘Monsieur’, but he can’t speak French. I get the feeling he is going to be a total dandy. Yep, he is dressed like a dandy. Candie is watching two slaves wrestle ('Mandingo' wrestling) in front of the fire, and who is also watching? HARRY! HARRY IS BACK! But he got shot in the head! Some people think this is a hark back to the spaghetti western tradition where an actor played two roles due to lack of funding Some think, because he got shot in the head and is wearing a hat but there was a sign saying ‘no hats’, he somehow survived but has no top of his head? I think it’s probably the first reason, there are a lot of clever references to Westerns in here. Oh god, violent Mandingo fight, broken arm, eyes taken out, can’t watch, try to watch on silent, can’t watch, skip forward to end. They are in the ‘Julius Caesar’ room, which is clever, as gladiator fighting, etc. Someone asks Django what his name is and how to spell it. 'Django, the 'D' is silent'. That line is on the film advertising poster. Candy is drinking a fancy coconut drink.

He agrees to see them about King buying a Mandingo fighter, which is actually a ruse to buy Broomhilda- they will buy the fighter for $12,000, get Broomhilda for way less, then run away without the fighter and signing the contract. They go to Candyland. 

Candyland, with sunglasses and Hamlet

Everyone is riding to Candyland. Django is wearing John Lennon glasses. Did the Wild West have its own hippy movement in the 19th century I don't know about? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE SUNGLASSES IN THIS FILM.

Django imagines he sees Broomhilda. I love the visions in this film, they show how much he loves her and is thinking about her. There is some rap music. There is a slave up a tree surrounded by dogs. Uh oh. Candie gets all sassy with the slave. King, because he is adorable and kind, tries to buy the slave. Django says, nope. Wow, douche bag. Candie lets the dogs rip up the slave. Fast forward. Candie is watching Django closely. Leo has always reminded me of Puss in Boots, he looks like a little cat. They arrive at the fancy plantation. The ethereal trees are floating around. This movie isn't as colourful as Tarantino's other films, and I think he is trying to contrast the pastel, beautiful landscape with the horrific violence and cruelty of slavery, as symbolized by this shot: 

It works. Samuel L Jackson emerges from the house as a slave called 'Steven' with very white eyebrows. He is not a happy little bunny. He clearly adores Candie and has a long history in the family, as 'yo daddy would be rolling in his grave!' to see Django on a horse. What an odd slave, maybe he has Stockholm syndrome? I sense he is evil. King asks if they have any slaves who speak German (Broomhilda can speak German), and they reveal she is locked in a box. Django looks distraught. She is released from the box. Candie's sister, a female dandy if ever there was one, comes waltzing down and kisses Candie on the lips. Oh god, weird sister brother relationship. King informs Broomhilda of the plot in German. Django reveals himself. Broomhilda faints. King says, 'you silver tongued devil you'. I LOVE HIM. They all go to a dinner party. Steven correctly deduces Broomhilda knows Django, because they are not being subtle at all, keep staring at each other, and have matching 'r' scars from when they ran away together. He tells Candie he has been tricked. Candie goes cray. He re-emerges wearing eyeliner, and starts babbling on in a very racist way, holding a skull. 

To be, or not to be? To wear eyeliner, or not wear eyeliner? 

He demands 'the man with the exceptional beard' pay $12,000 for Broomhilda. King agrees, because he is a lovely man. When Candie is signing the contract, King has flashbacks about the slave ripped apart by dogs. My violence limit is being reached. It shows how much it all effects King, like Django's vision of Broomhilda. King gets all sassy with Candie. Candie demands they shake hands. King shoots him. He then says, 'I couldn't resist', and lets another man shoot him. GOODBYE KING I LOVE YOU!

Violence limit reached

Django tries to kill everyone. There is a shoot out in the plantation house, very much like in Kill Bill where she kills the crazy 88. So. Much. Blood. I feel sick. This is horrible. Fast forward. I'm not sure I can carry on watching. It's fine in Kill Bill with the samurai swords because it is so exaggerated it is funny, but this is breaking bones and plucked out eyes and horrible gun shot wounds and so much blood and gore everywhere and urgh. It basically looks like this: 

I get how the cruelty towards the slaves is necessary to show the brutal history realistically, but this shoot out is like that stupid bit in Inglorious Basterds with the hammer and the Jew hunter, which also traumatized me. Anyway, Samuel holds Broomhilda hostages and Django drops his guns. Django is tortued. I can't watch. Fast forward. He is taken to the mines to be worked to death, and Broomhilda is taken to be a sex slave. Django shows the slave drivers his bounty hunter contract, and tricks them that there are some criminals with a high price on them back at the plantation. When they free him, he kills the slaves and steals their dynamite. He returns to Candyland in a fancy purple and gold suit. Always with the showy suits, this one. He kills everyone, including the creepy sister, and evil Steven (which reminds me of Even Stevens, which is so much easier to watch than this, because no one gets their bones slowly broken on camera). Django puts on his John Lennon sunglasses and blows up Candyland. What a cool cat. Django approaches Broomhilda, and makes his pony do some cool prancey tricks. He says, 'hey little trouble maker'. The pony is spinning around in circles. The pony is taking prancey steps. The pony seems as much as a show off as its owner, I bet if it could pick a suit it would pick a bright blue one with a fancy collar as well. There is a flashback to King (yey!) in the snow, saying, 'they will call you the fastest gun in the south'. WESTERN! Shot switches back to the burning Candyland. THE END.

Summary

I liked a lot of things about this movie. The flashbacks, the visions, the shots in general, the beautiful landscape, good acting, the music. But I don't think I'll ever be able to watch it again because, TOO MUCH. Maybe that's just me being a massive sissy, maybe not. 

New Girl S02 E16: Table 34 (Or, How Long Can Schmidt Get Away With Racism Before He Is Called Up On It / Arrested?)

Ooooo, the morning after. In last week's New Girl, Nick and Jess shared an incredibly passionate kiss. But she is with Dr Sam! Ahhh! This episode showed how they both reacted the next day, and the consequences. I am now scared the kiss was a one off to keep people watching, and nothing is actually going to happen between Nick and Jess for ages and ages and ages. 

Stupid Moonwalking
The episode starts with Nick silently screaming in his room. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was Nick or Schmidt for a while:

Then I started thinking, is this what Nick and Schmidt's son would look like? Or, maybe, stop being stupid Charlotte, these actors just look remarkably similar when they scream? Whatever, it was Nick. Nick is talking to himself, 'man, you kissed her, you idiot'. Jess can't sleep. Nick is waiting outside Jess' bedroom door and she opens it and silent screams. He freaks out and moonwalks (more on this later) away from her. Jess nearly tells Sam, but then he is cute and tells her she looks beautiful in the morning. 

Winston had the best sex of his life last night. He was 'pretty good'. He has his mojo back. I am mildly, mildly happy for him. 

Jess is at Cece's bitching about Nick. She is realistically dressed for an angry, confused person who left her flat in a hurry, wearing a boring shirt and her hair tied back. 

Nick 'panic moonwalked' away from her. I don't get the moonwalking thing at all. When they kissed, she 'saw through space and time for a minute, but that's not the point'. Yes it is! It is very much the point! And no, you didn't see 'through space and time', because, wtf? What would that even be? Seeing into...nothing? Cece misses sex. Way to be supportive of your best mate's crisis, Cece. Jess goes all weird and spluttering when asked if she likes Nick. 'Sam fixed things you didn't know were broken, and Nick is the kind of guy who breaks things...he breaks things!' Aw, but his uselessness is so adorable! Jess wants to spend the day with Cece. Cece is going to an INDIAN MARRIAGE CONVENTION. 

Schmidt is also going. He is wearing this:

He is going to stop Cece marrying a 'brown man'. When is Schmidt going to stop getting away with it, and actually just be labelled a racist? How far are the writers going to push it? For example, he can speak conversation Hindi, which is apparently 'hello...hello...samosa...where are the white people toilets?' Nick is coming too. 'Mojo man' (Winston, don't worry about it) is also going. Everyone is going! Look how that worked out!

Indian Speed Dating

Despite not going back to the loft, Jess has managed to transform her boring shirt into an beautiful dainty dress. I take back what I said about the fashion realism. Nick sees Jess and 'panick moonwalks' (urgh) away from her. I have mentioned it three times so far, so fine, this is what 'panick moonwalking' looks like: 

Nick tells Winston he kissed Jess. Winston hits him. He says if he doesn't fix it, Nick will have to move out, and he doesn't want Nick to move out because he doesn't like living with Nick because he has centipedes living under the bed? Make sense, Winston. 

Schmidt says to Cece: 'You are the nut. I'm the squirrel. I'm going to hide you in my cheek, girl'. Cece tells him there is more to life than sex and to leave it alone.

Nick approaches Jess. She is all sassy, 'oh, you can walk normally now I see'. Nick apologizes and says it meant nothing. There is a long conversation where they both try and get the other person to admit the kiss meant something. 

At the Indian marriage convention, people with similar 'resumes and education are sat together'. Nick is sat with Cece. Cece thinks there has been a mistake. She is a professional model, not a part time bartender. I felt quite sorry for her. Winston get's assigned a 'seat' on the sexual Indian lady's lap. She molests him. Apparently he looks like a 'jumpy cat'. 

I can see the resemblance. Any who, Jess is at Schmidt's table, and he feels 'slightly insulted'. Sam rocks up. Cece can't get a hula hoop over her head. Things aren't going well for Cece in this episode. Jess and Sam can't get the hula hoop over either. If that isn't a sign of being incompatible and probably breaking up later in the episode, I don't know what is. Everyone has to make a table out of paper and tape. Nick says, 'it was like a fairytale, that kiss'. Cute. This is ruined, when he says basically the same line that police officer in Canada said that caused the Slut Walk, that girls who dress provocatively deserve to get raped: 

'You should take some responsibility. Tarting around in your soft pink robe, expecting not to get kissed. I'm a man!'. 

Woahh...oh, it's fine, 'pink robes are his catnip'. Apparently Jess and Nick win the table contest. Nick is angry and tries to show the table is crap by jumping up and down on it. It doesn't break. Sam sadly says, 'strong table'. 

Cece is doing speed dating. She gets asked why she decided to be a model. 'I didn't think about it, someone just said they would pay me for being pretty'. She sounds like an idiot. The man accuses her of not thinking through decisions. I feel sorry for her again. Schmidt gets angry. Cece hypothesises that her and Nick are at table 34 because 'they don't think things through'. Jess tells Sam about Nick. Sam storms off. Nick and Jess run after him. Sam hits Nick. Here are the happy couple: 

Jess says, 'he is in such bad shape! you could have killed him!'. Dr Sam breaks up with Jess. I think he is over reacting, personally. They could have kept him around for a couple of episodes longer, because I like the character that is Dr Sam and the actor who plays him, he has a funny twitter bio. Winston sets the sexual Indian lady up with someone else. This plot line passed me by like a paper bag being blown around the street. I noticed it, but it was so nothing I just walked straight past it and forgot about it (although I like to think I would put a paper bag in the bin). Schmidt gives a big speech about how amazing Cece is, and how no one has noticed. 'Get your crap together, India! Schmidt, out!'. 

Back Where We Started

Jess is crying at home, Nick is dancing to Taylor Swift to try and cheer her up. Nick says, 'I've never been a home wrecker. But I liked it. Sam was threatened by me. That was a victory'. Jess says the relationship was a bit broken anyway, because he liked to 'fist bump in the morning'. They awkward hug. Nick says, 'I'm glad everything is back to normal'. Cece and Schmidt have sex. 

This episode was quite good, although I'm sad Dr Sam is gone and that Nick and Jess are just friends again. But they shocked me with the romantic plot last time, so maybe they will do it again soon. I think its building up to a grand romantic declaration in the final episode of this season. I also like Schmidt and Cece together, and Winston was Winston. I've given up on that man. Schmidt, out. 

General Sex And The City Recap: 5 Reasons I Hate Carrie Bradshaw

This is a one off general review of the popular HBO show. I know I'm 10 years too late to the Sex And The City party, but I recently got told I was a 'Carrie', so I re-watched them. Turns out it is the worst insult I have ever had. I thought nothing and no one could be as bad as the nightmare-egotistical-self-entitled-slut-monster than is Serena Van Der Woodsen from Gossip Girl, but I was wrong. Carrie Bradshaw is THE WORST character on television. I like Miranda, Samantha makes me laugh, and I can tolerate Charlotte, but little CB (just realised she has my initials, kill me now) eclipses them all with her general awfulness. I get the writers were aiming at a flawed, funny, relatable leading character, but boy, here are 5 reasons I hate Carrie Bradshaw:

5) Her fashion.

I don't really know what was fashionable in the late '90s, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't any of these: 

Here we have: Slutty Oliver Twist, Prostitute Princess Party, Slutty Cowboy, Bohemian Nightmare.

I do like some of Carrie's outfits, it's more her utter self confidence she can pull off absolutely anything that annoys me. Also, what is with all the bra tops? I get she has nice abs, but she is 35 YEARS OLD. She dresses like a 7 year old child. Berger is my personal hero in relation to how much I dislike Carrie, first for the hilarious post-it breakup:

I like his hand writing. And secondly for this:

Carrie: Berger! We have to talk about these things! If I had made a mistake I would want you to tell me about it!

Berger: Oh yeah?......Nice hat.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

4) She is an awful, awful friend. 

Miranda: I'm single and pregnant with a bar tender's baby. 

Carrie: Oh yeah? That reminds me of the time Mr Big refused to introduce me to his mother. Let's talk about that again. 

Charlotte:  My husband is impotent. 

Carrie:  Oh yeah? I just had an affair with my married ex boyfriend. He wasn't impotent. Let's talk about that again. 

Samantha:  I have cancer.

Carrie:  Oh yeah? That reminds me of the time me and Mr Big were playing scrabble, and we spelled the word 'cancer'. He was then really mean to me. Let's talk about that again. 

That's basically how each of those scenarios went. EVERYTHING is turned right back around to be all about her. There is only ONE episode where Samantha and Miranda actually go, 'shut up'. One is not enough. I actually just watched one where Stanford (the colourful, bald gay man) goes 'Did you like my boyfriend?'. Carries response: 'I'm going to the bathroom. I can't believe Aiden hates me after I cheated on him'. AHHHHH. She also ACTS like an awful friend. When Miranda is lying paralysed on her bathroom floor, naked, Carrie sends Aiden. 

When Samantha get's diagnosed with breast cancer, she decides to move to Paris. Oh, and then there is the time she bullies Charlotte into giving her $30,000 because she had spent $45,000 on shoes. 

3) Her annoying characteristics in general. 

If I sound like I'm going mega bitch on her, bear with me here.

Her writing / constant punning. Here are the best ones:

• 'To be a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?' (internal rhyme, 4/10).
• 'If I wanted a nap, I could have gone to Napa' (double use of the word 'nap', 3/10).
• 'Shaholla!' 'Okay, okay, you don't have to HOLLA'. (Shouting last part of the word, 1/10). 
• 'Charlotte doodled. With Harry, she jewdoodled'. (Racism, 1/10). 

Give this woman a noble prize! It's funny the first 5 times. By the way, how on earth does writing ONE COLUMN a WEEK keep her occupied? 

Her giggling / screaming / scooter riding. Self explained. 

2) Carrie and Mr Big

Mr Big is a selfish, self-obsessed man, but he is also quite funny and sexy. People hate on Mr Big for how badly he treats Carrie, but how about the fact she is a needy, obsessive nightmare when they are together? Like the time he didn't quite yet want to introduce yet another girlfriend to his ailing mother, so she STALKED him to a CHURCH and forced him to.

This episode culminates with her, his girlfriend of less than a year, emotionally hijacking him on the street and demanding, right there and then, he admits she is 'THE ONE'. To give him credit, he doesn't go running for the hills. But he refuses to say it. That makes him a monster. Also, why does she act so childish around him? She frequently dresses up in ridiculous outfits to try and grab his attention. My favourite was the candy striper one. 

35 years old? Me?

1) How she treats Aiden Shaw. 

I LOVE Aiden. He is so cute, so funny, so All-American, so kind, so handsome.

 Even when he was chubby with long hair I liked him. He also, for reasons completely unknown, ADORES Carrie. He fixes her computer, waxes her floors, buys her apartment for her, proposes to her, cooks for her, calls her his 'lady bug'. How does she respond? By

• Cheating on him. 
• Breaking his heart. 
• Tricking her into getting back with him. 
• Half-heartedly accepting his proposal.
• Refusing to wear the ring on her finger.
• Constantly bitching at him.
• Refusing to take him out to fancy club nights. 
• Constantly talking to the ex she cheated on him with. 
• INVITING THE EX SHE CHEATED ON HIM WITH TO HIS COUNTRY CABIN!!!!!!
• Breaking his heart AGAIN. 

Also, when asked to describe him, all she can manage is: 'He's very tall. He is kind'. Nice one, Miss Witty Writer. Aiden, you had a massively lucky escape. Here is an example of how adorable he is, even when angry, and how much of a nightmare she is:

No, Carrie. YOU just shut up. Please, please, just SHUT UP. Maybe Carrie Bradshaw and Serena Van Der Woodsen should both go in the Hunger Games, so we only have to deal with one of them running around New York.