Ooooo, the morning after. In last week's New Girl, Nick and Jess shared an incredibly passionate kiss. But she is with Dr Sam! Ahhh! This episode showed how they both reacted the next day, and the consequences. I am now scared the kiss was a one off to keep people watching, and nothing is actually going to happen between Nick and Jess for ages and ages and ages.
The episode starts with Nick silently screaming in his room. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was Nick or Schmidt for a while:
Then I started thinking, is this what Nick and Schmidt's son would look like? Or, maybe, stop being stupid Charlotte, these actors just look remarkably similar when they scream? Whatever, it was Nick. Nick is talking to himself, 'man, you kissed her, you idiot'. Jess can't sleep. Nick is waiting outside Jess' bedroom door and she opens it and silent screams. He freaks out and moonwalks (more on this later) away from her. Jess nearly tells Sam, but then he is cute and tells her she looks beautiful in the morning.
Winston had the best sex of his life last night. He was 'pretty good'. He has his mojo back. I am mildly, mildly happy for him.
Jess is at Cece's bitching about Nick. She is realistically dressed for an angry, confused person who left her flat in a hurry, wearing a boring shirt and her hair tied back.
Nick 'panic moonwalked' away from her. I don't get the moonwalking thing at all. When they kissed, she 'saw through space and time for a minute, but that's not the point'. Yes it is! It is very much the point! And no, you didn't see 'through space and time', because, wtf? What would that even be? Seeing into...nothing? Cece misses sex. Way to be supportive of your best mate's crisis, Cece. Jess goes all weird and spluttering when asked if she likes Nick. 'Sam fixed things you didn't know were broken, and Nick is the kind of guy who breaks things...he breaks things!' Aw, but his uselessness is so adorable! Jess wants to spend the day with Cece. Cece is going to an INDIAN MARRIAGE CONVENTION.
Schmidt is also going. He is wearing this:
He is going to stop Cece marrying a 'brown man'. When is Schmidt going to stop getting away with it, and actually just be labelled a racist? How far are the writers going to push it? For example, he can speak conversation Hindi, which is apparently 'hello...hello...samosa...where are the white people toilets?' Nick is coming too. 'Mojo man' (Winston, don't worry about it) is also going. Everyone is going! Look how that worked out!
Indian Speed Dating
Despite not going back to the loft, Jess has managed to transform her boring shirt into an beautiful dainty dress. I take back what I said about the fashion realism. Nick sees Jess and 'panick moonwalks' (urgh) away from her. I have mentioned it three times so far, so fine, this is what 'panick moonwalking' looks like:
Nick tells Winston he kissed Jess. Winston hits him. He says if he doesn't fix it, Nick will have to move out, and he doesn't want Nick to move out because he doesn't like living with Nick because he has centipedes living under the bed? Make sense, Winston.
Schmidt says to Cece: 'You are the nut. I'm the squirrel. I'm going to hide you in my cheek, girl'. Cece tells him there is more to life than sex and to leave it alone.
Nick approaches Jess. She is all sassy, 'oh, you can walk normally now I see'. Nick apologizes and says it meant nothing. There is a long conversation where they both try and get the other person to admit the kiss meant something.
At the Indian marriage convention, people with similar 'resumes and education are sat together'. Nick is sat with Cece. Cece thinks there has been a mistake. She is a professional model, not a part time bartender. I felt quite sorry for her. Winston get's assigned a 'seat' on the sexual Indian lady's lap. She molests him. Apparently he looks like a 'jumpy cat'.
I can see the resemblance. Any who, Jess is at Schmidt's table, and he feels 'slightly insulted'. Sam rocks up. Cece can't get a hula hoop over her head. Things aren't going well for Cece in this episode. Jess and Sam can't get the hula hoop over either. If that isn't a sign of being incompatible and probably breaking up later in the episode, I don't know what is. Everyone has to make a table out of paper and tape. Nick says, 'it was like a fairytale, that kiss'. Cute. This is ruined, when he says basically the same line that police officer in Canada said that caused the Slut Walk, that girls who dress provocatively deserve to get raped:
'You should take some responsibility. Tarting around in your soft pink robe, expecting not to get kissed. I'm a man!'.
Woahh...oh, it's fine, 'pink robes are his catnip'. Apparently Jess and Nick win the table contest. Nick is angry and tries to show the table is crap by jumping up and down on it. It doesn't break. Sam sadly says, 'strong table'.
Cece is doing speed dating. She gets asked why she decided to be a model. 'I didn't think about it, someone just said they would pay me for being pretty'. She sounds like an idiot. The man accuses her of not thinking through decisions. I feel sorry for her again. Schmidt gets angry. Cece hypothesises that her and Nick are at table 34 because 'they don't think things through'. Jess tells Sam about Nick. Sam storms off. Nick and Jess run after him. Sam hits Nick. Here are the happy couple:
Jess says, 'he is in such bad shape! you could have killed him!'. Dr Sam breaks up with Jess. I think he is over reacting, personally. They could have kept him around for a couple of episodes longer, because I like the character that is Dr Sam and the actor who plays him, he has a funny twitter bio. Winston sets the sexual Indian lady up with someone else. This plot line passed me by like a paper bag being blown around the street. I noticed it, but it was so nothing I just walked straight past it and forgot about it (although I like to think I would put a paper bag in the bin). Schmidt gives a big speech about how amazing Cece is, and how no one has noticed. 'Get your crap together, India! Schmidt, out!'.
Back Where We Started
Jess is crying at home, Nick is dancing to Taylor Swift to try and cheer her up. Nick says, 'I've never been a home wrecker. But I liked it. Sam was threatened by me. That was a victory'. Jess says the relationship was a bit broken anyway, because he liked to 'fist bump in the morning'. They awkward hug. Nick says, 'I'm glad everything is back to normal'. Cece and Schmidt have sex.
This episode was quite good, although I'm sad Dr Sam is gone and that Nick and Jess are just friends again. But they shocked me with the romantic plot last time, so maybe they will do it again soon. I think its building up to a grand romantic declaration in the final episode of this season. I also like Schmidt and Cece together, and Winston was Winston. I've given up on that man. Schmidt, out.
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