New Girl S02 E19: Quick Hardening Caulk (Or, Adorable Fish Cece Metaphor)

Sorry for the ridiculous lack of blogging, I haven't been to the cinema and New Girl has been on an annoying American mid-season hiatus. I will start blogging another TV show soon but there are so many and I can't choose AHHHHH. Anyway, this episode opens with Schmidt all sad about Cece, drowning his sorrows with ‘melon balls’. I have no idea what those are. Schmidt is defensive: ‘I am not sad about Cece. There are plenty of things to be sad about. The pollution in China. The Hobbit wasn’t very good’. Haha, it is lines like this why I love New Girl. Nick starts getting annoyed about the free drinks, and says he is trying to be more responsible. IT’S HIS JOB. So responsible in fact, he has thought of a new night: Guy’s night. Jess is looking at him chewing her lip, and she genuinely reminds me of Bella from Twilight and it is horrifying.

Flash forward to her in the bathroom with Cece: ‘I want him. I want him bad’. BOOORRRIINNNGG.

Best Schmidt Story Line Ever

I'm going to recap the Schmidt / Winston / Cece story line first, because it's the best, least annoying one. Winston takes Schmidt to an aquarium (this is the first time I have ever seen an aquarium in a sitcom, nice change of scenery from the usual ridiculously unrealistic multi million dollar open planned loft) to cheer him up about Cece's upcoming nuptials. He becomes obsessed with a lion fish, ‘the one that floats like an angel’. He wants to buy the fish, can’t, and starts screaming ‘love is a lie’. It’s very funny. He get's dragged out of the aquarium. He then buys a tank for the flat for his soon to be acquired lion fish. He is wearing a strange sequinned fish hat. 

Jess: ‘When did you turn into a Bond villain?’ Me: ‘When did every Bond villain require a medium sized aquarium? A shark wouldn't fit in that. Neither would a jellyfish. The only things a Bond villain would want that lives under water. Shut up, Jess’. Schmidt says, ‘I will get the fish, and we will create a life together’. He is clearly losing it. Winston buys Schmidt a clown fish. Possibly best line of the episode: ‘I don’t want a fresh water bitch fish, Winston’. He’s right, clown fish suck. They look like fat traffic cones. But I think the lion fish is creepy, as well, so I don’t know which is better. I like Winston even more due to this episode, he is a very nice friend. By the way, who is that guy in the photo on Schmidt’s shelf? One of life’s mysteries.

Anyway, Schmidt and Winston go to the ocean to find a lion fish. Very plausible. They are flailing around in the ocean, and Schmidt gets a jellyfish on his face. He needs Winston to pee on his face. Wait….no. You CANNOT steal story lines off Friends that blatantly:

It is a pretty bad sting, and Schmidt gets taken to hospital. Poor little lamb. I LOVE YOU SCHMIDT. Cece brings Schmidt a lion fish she has managed to acquire. Oh, the irony. Winston tells Cece to keep her distance from Schmidt, because ‘You're getting married. It’s killing him’. This plot line is so emotional! Schmidt wakes up: ‘The fish was a metaphor for Cece. Don’t feel bad for not seeing it, it was subtle as hell’. He decides to put the lion fish back in the sea, because ‘it belongs in the ocean. She isn’t mine to keep’. Awwwww. On a negative note, I don't think the fish will survive in the ocean, it looks very small and dainty, the runt of the lion fish family, if you will. The episode ends with Winnie (affectionate new nickname) and Schmidt on the beach. I like Winston’s outfit, he looks manly. Schmidt means to throw the lion fish in the ocean, and accidentally throws it on the sand. Hahahah. ‘STAY ALIVE!!!’.

And so the Nick/Jess plot drags on, and so Jess becomes more and more unlikeable

 Am I over reacting by being so bored with the never ending limbo of 'will they won't they' Nick and Jess? Jess is being annoying with Nick. He smells like ‘a baby in a damn meadow’. They go to a hardware store together. Nick wants some sexual sounding hardware things, which makes Jess go all Bella-lip-biting-eurgh again. Nick then knocks Jess out by accident with a plank of wood. Wait, what? Ha. This episode is rife with injuries. At least she has been shut up for a bit. That's a good thing, right?

Turns out, no. Jess is concussed and wants to have sex with Nick. She tells him so. She is being so, so irritating, but at least there is a validated reason now. She tries to rape him. He tries to escape. It’s quite uncomfortable viewing, because he is trying to be nice and cute, but clearly freaking out a bit. He hurts his hand on some soup. Jellyfish, planks and soups, the little dangers in life, ey? Nick reveals to the boys he wants to sleep with Jess as well. But she was on painkillers, does she mean it? Should he end it with Shane? (Is that a girl’s name in anyway, anyhow, anywhere which way, at all?)

Jess rocks up to Guy’s night. Jeez, Know when you aren’t wanted, Jess.  Nick tries to hide his new relationship (very new…10 minutes ago new. So new I literally don't care on any level, at all, about it) from Jess. Jess is like, why did that girl just slap your ass? She finds out they are together. She looks so hurt and I feel sorry for her even though she has been so annoying lately. Nick then rubs salt in the wound by describing Jess as his ‘room friend’. Waaaa. She goes home, and Nick goes after her. She delivers a hilarious line: ‘I’m glad her name is Shane. What’s next, Cody? Tex?’ Nick gets all confrontational: ‘Do you want to have sex with me, yes or no??’ Jess says: ‘Yes. Because you were aspirational’ (Or something). Nick: ‘You are a gold digger’. Jess: ‘I’m not. If I was, I’d be the worst one in the world if I wanted you’. Nick: ‘Then prove it’. (I am shortening this conversation quite substantially). AHHHHH. They kiss. AHHHH. It’s painful because of their injuries. Less AHHHH, more AHHHkward (hehe). They start screaming insults at each other and make out. They break the fish tank. It is dramatic camera shot, like a scene from The Matrix or something (I don't know).

Nick and Jess don't end up having sex. They kiss then walk away from each other again. It makes no sense. Eurgh. Enough.

This was literally the cutest Schmidt episode ever. Awwwww Schmidt. Awwww Cece! So beautiful! Also, Winston, you are such a good friend! Bromance episode! Jess has replaced you as my least favourite character. Either get together, Nick and Jess, or go away. Also, again, 'Shane'? Really?

New Girl S02 E18: Tinfinity (Or, If Jess Says 'Mouth' One More Time...)

This episode is evidence of New Girl's success, as it shows they have hit the BIG BUCKS and now can have as many props as they want, including an uninflated, pointless hot air balloon. This episode was okay, and it was nice to see a bromance (really hate the word 'bromance') between Schmidt and Nick, but Jess really, really irritated me. Also, I refuse to believe Cece would become engaged to a guy a foot shorter than her. WOW I AM SPOILING SO MUCH ALREADY. Let's begin!

TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY / SHUT UP JESS

Schmidt wants to celebrate his and Nick's 10 year anniversary, or 'tiniversary', as room mates. There are lots of flash backs to their other anniversary parties, such as wood and paper. All are funny, as per. New Girl does flash backs well. Jess and Cece are talking. Jess is all, 'wahhh wahhh wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head, his mouth on my mouth'. She says this in loud stage whispers when he is IN THE ROOM.  Cece says Nick needs a new guy, because she is so happy with her arranged-marriage-super-exaggerated-British guy. There are clips of Jess being set up with guys. My favourite is a nerdy looking one who goes, 'Microchips are getting smaller. Soon they will be smaller than blueberries. You can put them in your cereal GURLL'. Jess says, 'I don't get your thang'. I don't either, but I like it. In an amusing way, not a sexual way. Winston walks in with a very tall guy with a weird bun in his hair called 'Jacques McTavish', or something. He is supposed to be a famous America football player. Jess goes over and attempts to flirt her ass off. Jacques is supposed to be a  super manly man, but he has stupid girl hair in a ballerina bun. 

The theme of Nick and Schmidt's party is 'Masculine Garden Party'. Haha. Nick has to organize balloons and porta-pottys. Nick says he is having an anxiety attack. He is very funny in this episode. Annoying British guy, eg. The Hobbit, because of how short he is, proposes to Cece by saying 'are we doing this thing?' Cece accepts. My respect for her has dropped several levels. 

EXTRAVAGANT YET QUIRKY PARTY

Schmidt is in his element. 'Everything is tin. Everything!' He then pierces a child's football. Jess and Winston argue over Jacques. Jess says, 'I want his mouth on my mouth!' STOP SAYING MOUTH. She actually makes me laugh when she says, 'Oh no, I only have my legs, boobs, hair, skin, face....ha ha. Fool'. Nick shows his porta-potty. It is dirty, and big, and so unbelievable. If Nick really bought that, he is a complete idiot. 

Schmidt has bought a nicer one, and Nick is jealous. Jess is annoying on the football field. Nick tries to make Robbie use his toilet. YEY ROBBIE! He is only in the episode for 3 seconds. God damn it. There is a Nick and Jess moment; Jess appears out of nowhere and goes, in an irritating voice, 'It's been really nice hanging out with Jacques because he talks about his feelings'. Awful. When did Jess become a mega bitch? Nick looks sad and unsure of himself. Cece arrives with the British, short haired hobbit: 

Cece, this party is not as good as the parties we have in the Shire. 

Schmidt acts all sassy. Jacques really likes Jess, so much he starts crying about it. Is Jacques still in the episode? He has made literally no impression on me. Schmidt writes Nick's speech for him. 'Why do you think you are better than me?' There is another flashback to Fat Schmidt. It reminds me a lot of Fat Monica. Wait...could they be related? They are both Jewish and fat. We don't know Schmidt's last name. Could it be 'Geller'? I feel Chandler and Schmidt would not get on. Maybe Schmidt and Ross. 

I feel I'm grasping at fictional strings. Also, fat suits have got way better in the past 10 years. Because this episode of Friends was filmed 10 YEARS AGO! Ahhhhhh mind fudge! Back to annoying (in this episode) Jess. 'Is Jacques known for being intense?' 'Yes, Jess. He is a professional athlete. He doesn't jump, he leaps. He doesn't like, he loves'. This makes me feel bad for not being a professional athlete. Jess goes back to Jacques. She goes, 'I really want to French you'. Eurghh. Hobbit proposes to Cece on the stage, and it is meant to be Romantic but it isn't because she hardly knows him and he is a lot shorter than her and she slept with Schmidt 2 weeks ago. Are we seriously supposed to be heart warmed by this? The funny part of the speech is, Schmidt's music and lighting effects are played by accident, eg. exaggerating their 'bromance' and how over the top Schmidt is. A cake is carried past, and a girl whispers to Schmidt, 'Its shaped in an infinity sign because their marriage will last forever'. Hahaha. But Schmidt looks sad. Aww! Schmidt! I feel sad with you! And also shocked. Who knew this would actually happen? Jacques gets on stage. 'I would like to report a stolen item. My heart'. This story line is boring and unbelievable. Schmidt and Nick are meditating in an uninflated hot air balloon. They are best friends again. It is cute. Jess and Winston join them. It's all very indie;  moody music and dark, arty shots. 

Nick offers Jess a bottle of whiskey. Jess goes, 'it's had your mouth on it!' and runs out the balloon. I've heard her say 'mouth' way too many times now. 

This episode was okay, but not as funny as last week. Thumbs up to the Schmidt / Nick storyline, though. TINIVERSARY!