The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Or, Legolas is now a grumpy teenager)

Happy 2014 all! How better to kick it off (except by watching the first episode of season 3 of 'Sherlock') by talking about The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug? I was a big fan of this film. I still don't think it was as good as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, for two reasons. Firstly, the high frame rate. I'm not going to bitch about this through the whole review, but I still sometimes feel I'm watching a play station game. Secondly, I don't feel the same emotional connection to the characters (except Bilbo). However, it is still hugely entertaining and, in some parts, mesmerising. Here we go!

Better than the return of my beautiful blue-eyed elf 

1) Viewing experience- Plain and simple, this film is spectacular. The landscapes, the set, the choreography. Roger Ebert said that Peter Jackson 'is unafraid to use the entire screen...he paints in the corners'. This is certainly true- by making every square inch of the screen alive, Jackson manages to create another world. The following scenes captivated me.

• Bilbo in the trees: Bilbo climbs up a tree and emerges into a scene of gentle sunlight, a carpet of autumn leaves and delicate blue birds, all the terror and gloom of the spider-infested forest below momentarily fades away. You share his relief, and can almost feel the fresh air and soft breeze. Beautiful. 
  

• The barrel scene: Legolas hopping from barrel to barrel, arrows flying, dwarfs wielding axes, rushing currents- this scene was a joy to watch. The choreography of the fight in particular was superb, although all the action scenes were brilliant.  
• Smaug: Can you depict a dragon better on the big screen? Very doubtful. 
• The eye of Sauron- I thought the silhouette of the Necromancer (ei. Sauron) becoming the pupil of the eye was incredibly clever and well done.

2) Martin Freeman- The perfect Bilbo. A phenomenal actor. Freeman nails it time and time again, with his expression of constant bafflement slipping occasionally to reveal stubbornness and immense courage. The slow build up of Bilbo's obsession with the ring was also well done, which we know will lead to the scene which still haunts my nightmares...

Anyway, how much better in every way (except resisting the rings power, I guess) is Bilbo than Frodo? Seriously. Frodo, I don't miss you at all. 

The best, the worst.

3) Tauriel / Kili- Although the love triangle with Legolas felt rather forced, I thought the chemistry between Tauriel and Kili felt genuine (probably because he looks like an elf). However, I also loved both of them separately. Tauriel was a much needed strong and independent female character. Kili was adorable and very dashing. Which leads me on to...

4) The Dwarves- Okay, I still think the fact that Kili is supposed to be a dwarf is hilarious.

Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) sums it up for me in this tweet:

However, at least Peter Jackson attempted to make the dwarves into recognisable individuals in this film. We have Thorin, the perpetually grumpy (and very dislikeable- see below) leader. Kili, the fan favourite. Fili, Kili's loyal brother. Balin, the old, loyal and kind grandfather of the group. The fat ginger one who can run fast and fights well. The half bald tough guy with the head tattoos. Gimli's dad! And....I still don't have a clue about the others. One mystery dwarf appeared outside the hidden door I swear I have never laid eyes on before (the one circled below). Ah well, 7/13 ain't bad?

Seriously, no idea.

5) Bard- An Aragorn type! Good looking, brooding, with the added bonus of looking a bit like a pirate. Great. 

Worse than being trapped in a room with only Thorin for company

1) Thorin in general- Seriously. What IS his problem? He is so unlikeable! So sullen, so proud, so mean to Bilbo. When Thorin wouldn't let Bilbo escape the dragon and instead nearly pushed him over the edge with his axe I wanted to punch him in the face. Aragorn had / will have way more problems than him (like being responsible for the fate of the world, not just daddy issues and a stupid mountain) and he was a joy to behold, always smiling and being generally lovely to everyone. Aragorn, I miss you. Thorin, I hate you. (I get this isn't Peter Jackson's fault- I assume Thorin is supposed to be like this). 

The best, the worst. 

2) The Forge scene- This film was very long, yes, but it never felt TOO long till the scene where the dwarves attempted to kill the dragon. Running from the dragon, running towards the dragon, running from the fire, running towards the fire, something to do with the forge, something to do with the steam, something to do with the melted gold...it all culminated in a very unimpressive and boring plan. How could a dragon, whose insides are filled with fire, be killed by heat? I blame Thorin. 

3) Gandalf's plan- Was what? Walk into a trap? Why?! (this may be rectified in the next film, fingers crossed).

4) Legolas- My baby! What was wrong with him in this film? He was very sullen and grumpy, always lurking in the shadows, with none of the gentle, wry personality we know and love. Maybe it is teenage angst? Don't worry Legolas, you will meet the love of your life soon, and you will be so happy together and pose dramatically for photos like below. 

Also, what was up with his eyes? My friend scoffed that 'it looks like he has cataracts'...and it sort of did? 

5) The hidden door scene- Moonlight was an obvious answer. I refuse to believe they would have travelled for months and nearly perished on many occasions to stand outside the hidden door for less than 5 minutes and then leave. The stubbornness of dwarves!

Overall, my qualms are small, and mainly not the fault of the film itself but my own personal preferences. I thought this was a brilliant sequel, and I can't wait for the next one. 

The Originals S01 E02: House Of The Rising Son (Or, Can I Mention The I Word Yet?)

Having just finished recapping 'The Vampire Diaries', its now back into the same universe and onto 'The Originals'...I'm having a cray Saturday afternoon. Initially, I thought 'The Originals' was a bad idea. Now, I'm reconsidering. Although the back door pilot was terrible and the first episode was slightly boring, this episode was GOOD! It has made me realise how Rebekah and Klaus were being constrained by 'The Vampire Diaries'...they are seriously two of the most dynamic, compelling and fascinating characters on television at the moment, and they need their stage to shine, instead of being overshadowed by one very annoying girl's boy drama (and also hair drama- can we remove that pink streak immediately please?) Although the witches still bore me (here's looking at you Sophie), Marcel is also very charismatic, and I loved the flashbacks. I also love you forever Elijah, you dapper, dapper man (and the actor himself is hilarious- check out his twitter). Let's begin!

The episode opening is a bit too 'True Blood', with Marcel's vampires attacking tourists in clubs and then compelling them to forget it. At the same time, Rebekah zooms down the road in a red convertible and rocks up at Klaus's giant Southern mansion looking for Elijah. She then meets Hayley the knocked up werewolf, who she hilariously refers to as 'the maid'. Rebekah then confronts Klaus about where Elijah is. Whenever these two are on the screen together, I can't take my eyes off them- the acting is fantastic, and the characters are brilliant. One of my favourite exchanges was when Rebekah apologies for killing some of Marcel's vampires, saying 'oh sorry, were they friends of yours', and Klaus looking generally pissed off and saying 'I do have friends! I have Marcel!'

I love the petty, immatureness of both Klaus and Rebekah, even though they are 1,000 years old. I also loved all the English phrases Rebekah said, including 'wanker' and 'Elijah doesn't welsh on deals' (that was slightly overkill). We learn in a flashback that Klaus murdered every person Rebekah fell in love with, for example throwing this fine young sir off a balcony because 'he wasn't good enough' for her:

Erm, am I the only one who thinks the relationship between Klaus and Rebekah, as well as being abusive (Rebekah is constantly scared he will dagger her and stuff her in a box for 50 years) is getting a bit incestuous? Why does Klaus care so much? Are we starting to stray on 'Game of Thrones' territory here? (Love ya Jamie Lannister). After refusing to reveal what happened to Elijah, Klaus saunters out the door with this dastardly grin:

Rebekah then shows Hayley Klaus's creepy coffins, explaining how he gets 'his jollies off' by locking his siblings up in them *cough* incest *cough*. Seriously, Klaus's romantic storyline with Caroline (pony drawings, pretty dresses, beheading her attackers with a hat etc) has made me forget what a straight up psychopathy he is. The coffins terrify Hayley, cemented by Rebekah saying 'Welcome to the family love'. 

Rebekah meets up with Sophie, zzzzzzz. The only interesting piece of information is we learn that the witches of New Orleans can't leave because their power comes from the bodies of their dead ancestors. So basically, they are even more useless than Bonnie and her mum. Joy! Rebekah has another flashback, in which we learn that Marcel and Klaus had a father son relationship. Klaus rescued a ten year old Marcel from slavery, and raised him to an adult. Klaus even named him after Mars, the God of War, because he was a 'survivor' (I think there is an ongoing theme that Klaus likes survivors- see below). Rebekah states that Klaus loved Marcel because 'he knows what it is like to be a bastard whose father treats him as nothing better than a beast', and berates Sophie for bringing together 'two long lost souls'. The flash back scene where Marcel and Klaus met was very touching:

But can we just talk about Elijah's hair for a second? What the f is THIS?

 Is that what a 19th century hair cut looked like?! Surely not!

Meanwhile, Klaus helps Marcel arrange a date with the world's most boring blonde bartender, and Hayley buys wolfsbane because she wants to have an abortion. Nothing much to say about both of those scenes. Next, Marcel demonstrates his Machiavellian cruelty by making two newly turned vampires, who are best friends, pick who lives and who dies. When the girl picks herself over her gay best friend, not only is the gay best friend outraged: 

But Marcel kills her for betraying her friend, and zips her up in a body bag. Scary!

Meanwhile, we get another flashback. Rebekah is teaching the ten year old Marcel how to sword fight. He says he will marry her someday. Ten years later, Rebekah is still wearing the same dress and hairstyle (that is just lazy, wardrobe team!), but Marcel is grown up and super hot and they both fancy the pants off each other.  

Klaus sees them making out, goes into a blind rage, and warns Marcel off her. Apparently he is her 'constant', even though men 'come and go'. Incest bells ringing yet?  

Marcel doesn't listen, kisses her, Klaus sees, and Klaus daggers Rebekah. Klaus daggers siblings so often it has actually become comical. What isn't comical is the chilling scene afterwards, where Rebekah wakes up to find out that Marcel chose being a vampire over her, and Klaus has kept her daggered for FIFTY YEARS! Can you IMAGINE? Rebekah thought it had only been a week. It was actually heartbreaking. As Rebekah tries to take in the news she has lost fifty years and the guy she was in love with betrayed her, Klaus is sat there with this patronising smirk on his face, surrounded by about a thousand candles (I bet he did it for dramatic purposes):

How mean was it when he said 'I have been waiting to see your face, and it is, indeed, priceless?' VERY mean! This scene showed the extent of Klaus's physical, and emotional, abuse of Rebekah, and I felt very very sorry for her. 

In the modern day, Marcel turns up and is a douche to Rebekah, and then leaps gracefully off a balcony to go and meet Klaus in a bar. Marcel angrily asks Klaus if he needs to know anything about Rebekah, and Klaus knocks it out the park with two hilarious comments, firstly by saying that Rebekah 'has grown considerably more insane over the years' and also that 'if you aren't a high school quarterback she won't be interesting'. Matt Donovan reference! Hell yeah. 

Meanwhile, Haley decides not to have an abortion, is attacked by Marcel's vampires, and saved by Rebekah. And we have the first example of the classic Vampire Diaries shot, which is a vampire standing over the body of someone they have just killed holding their heart, and saying a witty one liner (in this case, 'that is no way to treat a pregnant lady'). 

There is then some weird flashback where Klaus, like someone in 'Ocean's Eleven' explains his scheming against Marcel and Rebekah and Haley have messed everything up. Anyway, Klaus tries to strangle Haley (typical Klaus ey!) and tearfully confesses how he daggered Elijah and gave his body to Marcel. Does anyone do anguished, stubborn guilt as well as Joseph Morgan? I think not!

Sad as it was, I don't buy his reasoning that he is 'honouring Elijah's wish' by daggering him.

Rebekah and Haley bond on the porch, and Rebekah reveals how even though they hate each other, their hate is 'so powerful' and 'they can't quit' each other. IT IS JAMIE AND CERSEI LANNISTER BUT VAMPIRES. Anyway, turns out Haley stole the daggers from Klaus and gives them to Rebekah. 

I always mildly disliked Haley on 'The Vampire Diaries', but I am warming to her now. Rebekah finds Marcel, gets led to Elijah's body in the attic, and gets thrown out a window by this sassy bundle of witchy power:

Okay, so, the attic witch, 'Davina'. First of all, must all the witches be brunettes and look so alike? It gets very confusing. Neither Davina or Sophie are interesting enough looking to stand out. Also, Davina's relationship with Marcel is kind of creepy ('She hasn't been very nice to me tonight'). Also, what is she, some kind of super witch? Questions, questions. 

Next, Klaus is snooping around Haley's room. Can I just point out how much I love Klaus's laid back, surfer style? Check out those necklaces! He pulls it off in such a weird way. 

Anyway, Klaus says he thinks him and Haley are more alike than he thought, because they are both survivors, and fight when backed into a corner. It was so powerful when he said 'its time to fight...little wolf'. Klaus, I hate you but I love you!

Anyway, the episode ends with Rebekah deciding to stay to find Elijah, and Klaus saying he will help 'whatever it takes'. Across town, Marcel tells the attic witch to find out how to kill an original. OMG is she going to practise on Elijah's body? That would be awful! More to the point, is she going to head over to Mystic Falls and ask Damon where she can find some white oak stakes? What HAPPENED to all the white oak stakes? There must be some lying around, right? A cross over episode would be awesome. 

Watching this episode has made me wonder how 'The Vampire Diaries' managed to fit so many good characters and actors in when it actually did- Damon, Katherine, Stefan, Jeremy, Elijah, Rebekah, Klaus, Caroline (sorry Bonnie, Aunt Jenna and Elena, but lets be honest). I think the decision to split it up into two shows was very, very wise, and here's opening 'The Originals' carries on getting stronger, because I think it has the writers, producers and actors to do it. 

Vampire Diaries S05 E02: True Lies (Or, Katherine Is The New Moonstone But A Thousand Times Better)

So, my favourite show on the entire planet is back. All hail 'The Vampire Diaries'! I couldn't recap last week's due to a lack of internet, so here is a quick summary: Stefan is drowning over and over again in a box, Katherine is a pissed off human who is now being hunted by Silas, Silas is a fairly amusing douche, Elena and Caroline are at college (lol), Caroline and Tyler are probably going to break up, Bonnie is even more boring as a ghost, Elena and Caroline's room mate got murdered by a vampire and has some strange connection to Elena's adoptive father, and Elena still insists on rockin' that annoying pink streak in her hair. PHEW! This episode was awesome! For so many reasons, one being that the term 'shadow-self' was not mentioned once!

The episode began with Bonnie crying about her dead dad which very swiftly turned into mourning the fact she couldn't touch Jeremy. I'd also be sad if I couldn't touch Jeremy, so fair enough. We then swiftly move onto Katherine (because lets face it, the writers have learnt not to give Bonnie too much screen time because zzzzzzz) who is limping down a road. A neighbour (who has been mind controlled by Silas to find her) then hits her with a load of pepper spray: 

Katherine responds hilariously by tackling her, throwing her phone on the ground and back handing her. Can we talk about how much better Katherine is than Elena in every single way for a second? EVERY SINGLE WAY! Anyway, she gets interrupted by the bland, chiselled checked shirt wearer that is Matt Donovan:

 

We swiftly cut to a hallucination in Stephen's head, where he is imaging him and Elena snuggling up by a lake.

A flash back to happier times. Although this may bring me the wrath of 'Delena' shippers, I actually think Elena and Stefan are a better couple, and I think the show will end with them back together. Anyway, this lovely image then gets rudely interrupted by Elena choking and spitting on water, which is a clever way to reference the fact Stefan is drowning over and over again. Also, am I the only one who has forgotten ELENA actually drowned as well? Jeez, this show and drownings.

Meanwhile, Caroline is being kind of a b about their dead room mate, and Elena is shouting loudly in their dorm room with the door open onto a busy corridor about how no one can find out they are 'VAMPIRES' because it would be awful it 'ANYONE FOUND OUT WE WERE VAMPIRES!! VAMPIRES!!!' Isn't she the brightest? Also, we learn they are majoring in Communications and Drama. Haha. What are the chances of them even finishing this year, let alone four? 600000000000 to 1? Yup.

Anyway, Damon and Liz, the world's worst Sheriff', are at the quarry and Liz agrees to look for Stefan, and also does not seem worried about the fact the entire population of Mystic Falls has been brainwashed by an evil wizard with great hair.  

While Damon is pouting on the quarry, he instructs Matt and Jeremy to tie up Katherine and hide her. Katherine goes into a rant about how she is 'the leverage, the thing everyone wants', and then says 'I'm the freaking moonstone', which I thought was hilarious, because it made me remember how jokes the moonstone, ei. the world's most boring and useless plot device, was. What even happened to the moonstone?? I know it got thrown down a well then hidden in a soap dish then fake blown up by a warlock but THEN? Is it still around?? Will we ever know??? 

Elena and Caroline are now in a Micro Biology class stalking the teacher who faked their dead roommate's death certificate. The new teacher that perfectly fits the vampire mode: Good looking, wayyy too young looking, slightly creepy, talks about supernatural beings and death at odd and inappropriate times. 

I'm bored already, he reminds me too much of Atticus Shane from last season, who for some reason just didn't work, although the actor was very charismatic. The new characters last season were kind of a disaster weren't they? However, he then kicks Elena out the class for being an idiot, so has swiftly become my favourite person.

Elena is bitching on the phone to Damon and Silas shows up. Elena hugs him with joy and says 'I thought something terrible happened to you'. Silas then responds with a line which I'm sure which everyone wishes Stefan himself had actually said: 'Something terrible did happen to me. You fell in love with my brother'. 

Go Silas! Fight Stefan's emotional corner! Silas then reveals everything Damon has lied to Elena about, such as Jeremy getting expelled. Guys, is Silas a Stelena shipper? Apart from the fact he locked Stefan in a box in a lake for three months. 

Katherine, Jeremy and Matt are chilling at a rest stop and Katherine tries to escape again, boring. The best part of it is Katherine is complaining about having a cold: 'when I cough, it is green'. Jeremy's look of disgust is hilarious:

Next, Damon bursts into Elena's dorm room, and Caroline is in a towel. I laughed when Caroline said 'Damon! Towel! Knock!' and he replied 'Caroline! No one cares! No!'

Because remember when Damon compelled Caroline to sleep with him? It has the same taboo as when Chuck Bass tried to rape Jenny Humphrey whilst dressed as a devil...it cannot be mentioned. In the University grounds, Silas is acting super suspicious and offers to 'look after' Elena's phone but Elena doesn't pick up on anything because she's very intelligent and perceptive and instead tells Silas where to find Jeremy and Katherine. Elena you rock! Speaking of which, the little party animal is drinking beer with cute-uni-guy Jesse, who tells her the teacher is part of a 'secret society'. Damon then shows up and punches him. It basically goes like this: 

Bad ass Damon is back! Yey!

Back in the woods, Katherine gives a powerful speech about surviving childbirth and Klaus, to be defeated by a sinus infection. Jeremy then wraps a blanket around her. Cute, but...they can't do a romance between Katherine and Jeremy right? RIGHT? That would be TOO weird! I already think Klaus and Rebekah stray slightly too near to incest as it is. Out in the woods doing his thang, Matt is killed again by Silas, after warning Jeremy to run. How many times has Matt died now?

Matt meets Bonnie on 'The Other Side'. Seriously, does Bonnie just stalk Jeremy? We learnt some cool stuff: every time someone wearing the Gilbert ring dies, they have to go and touch (or in Matt's case, stroke) their body in order to return to life. Each time they die, their soul is moved further away from their body, which is why it takes longer to come back. However, it was mostly Bonnie bitching about being dead.

I suspect Bonnie will not remain dead for long. Maybe she can bring the moonstone back to life as well?

Anyway, the strangest scene of the night happens when Elena and Damon are making out, and Elena then tries to kill him because Silas has used mind compulsion. To stop wanting to kill Damon, all she has to do is think about Stefan (is this setting up a Stelena reunion or what?) The weird thing about this scene was how little Damon seemed to CARE about the fact Elena was about to blow up the room with them both inside. He looked bored and disinterested most of the time? 

The best thing was at the end, when Caroline (after flirting like heck with Jesse- are we meant to forget about Klaus already?? KLAROLINE/CLAUS!) walked in to see Elena and Damon both battered and bruised tied to chairs, and said 'We need to set some ground rules when boyfriends come over'. 

In the forest, Jeremy is awesome: he tells Katherine to get over herself, tells Silas he 'works out', attacks him, and then survives getting killed by Silas because of this joyful image: 

GO KATHERINE!!! At this exact same time, Elena is bitching about how Silas 'stole her phone' (/she willingly gave him her phone). Does not highlight the difference between the two characters? GO KATHERINE!

Anyway, Silas the evil wizard vampire makes friends with the sexy gypsy who brain washed Matt (lol that sentence, and just this show in general) after the sexy gypsy kills her friend. Silas has so much swag:

Back at the university, Damon declares that 'you having pyhsic dreams about your ex boyfriend does not bother me', and Elena says 'we will save Stefan and I will still love you'. Please, I give them three episodes of happiness left. 

The episode ends with the sheriff finding Stefan's box in the forest, and opening it to reveal a severed corpse. Hmmm...my bet is that the box was planted by Silas to suggest Stefan is still a ripper and that Stefan is still in the lake, because how the f would he have got out? I guess we will find out next week! Anyway, this episode was both hilarious and great. Long live 'The Vampire Diaries!'

New Girl S03 E01: All In (Or, 'I Needed Your Underwear To Sow Into My Underwear').

So 'New Girl' is back! Nick and Jess are together, Schmidt has to choose between Elizabeth and Cece, and Winston is given an insignificant and random plot line, as per. I thought this episode was okay. Not brilliant, but okay. A fairly strong start for season 3.

Nick and Jess

We pick up where season 2 left off, with Nick and Jess driving off in a car together. They keep saying how 'All In' they are, then Jess tells him to pull the car over so they can have sex, then Nick makes this face: 

They then go home, and both stand awkwardly outside the door. Nick raises the question, 'How is this going to work? We having only being dating for 30 seconds and we are already living together'. Fair point. The answer is...they run away to Mexico. Stupid plot line, but I can over look it, because is it just me or is Nick looking even hotter than usual this season?

Anyway, they end up in Mexico...

...and Nick gets arrested because he isn't authorized to be on a hotel beach, which seems a bit extreme but there you go. I'm not sure about Nick and Jess together- they are cute and there is a lot of gazing into each others eyes, but they are also less funny as a couple? It should be interesting to see where the writers go with it. 

Anyway, Schmidt, Winston and Jess all go to Mexico again to rescue Nick from jail. Nick gives a speech about how him and Jess 'won't make it' if they live in the loft, so shreds his passport. Jess gives a rambling but touching speech about how they are a 'family'. 'There is no us without Schmidt and Winston'. 'I believe in us'. 'I am all in' (I hope this doesn't become a set catch phrase for their relationship). 

Schmidt

Schmidt spends the episode trying get Nick's attention, and trying to pick between Cece and Elizabeth. He achieves neither. He can't pick because 'he is in love with both women', so he dates them both instead. Weirdly, Schmidt is so cute I can't get angry with him for this douche bag move. Later on he says, 'I can't lose them, and I can't hurt them', and I actually believe him. Whilst Schmidt initially decides to stay with Elizabeth because 'he was with her first', I think he loves Cece more, and I think these guys will end up together. 

Anyway, the funniest scene of the episode happens when Cece walks in the loft and Winston, thinking Schmidt has broken up with her, tries to console her. As Winston is saying 'I'm sorry about Elizabeth', Schmidt frantically cuts in with 'he made love to her'. Schmidt tells the story of Winston making love to Elizabeth with this face, and the whole thing is hilarious:

One of my favourite lines was 'Tell her what you did Winston, and make it short, which is not what you did to Elizabeth'. Schmidt then makes the story worse by randomly saying to Cece that 'Winston came into my room this morning and asked for a pair of your underpants'. Both Winston and Cece are furious:

(I realise the majority of my photos this week are screen grabs of hilarious facial expressions, but hey ho). Winston acts as a good friend should and confirms the story: 'I needed your underwear to sow into my underwear'. Cece then smashes his puzzle on the floor. Schmidt then makes it even worse by saying 'Winston, you have been working on that puzzle for quite some time now, and some of the pieces are upside down...also, is that an almond?' 10/10 for this scene. 

Schmidt and Winston have a fight and have a hilarious dramatic walk off with each other:

And by the end of the episode, Schmidt is still dating both women. 

Winston

Winston's 'thing' this episode is being obsessed with puzzles. I hate how the writers introduce a new 'thing' for Winston every single episode, then drop it like it never exists. Anyway, apparently Winston gets 'a little bit weird' when he starts a puzzle. He is also terrible at puzzles. 

There is a funny moment where Winston asks Schmidt what he thinks will look like, and Schmidt freaks out: 'The pictures on the box! It's a Japanese Garden!'

Contrived as this may seem, it actually sets up a pretty funny Winston moment later, when it is revealed he is colour blind, and thinks green is brown and brown is green. 'What colour is Kermit the frog?' 'Brown'. Schmidt then says 'Winston...what colour do you think you are?'

Overview

This wasn't the best episode I have ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst. In the future, I hope Nick and Jess's relationship isn't filled with too many cutesy moments and declarations of love. Schmidt is hilarious as usual, but I do think the Cece / Elizabeth plot line is slightly out of character. Finally, please, PLEASE 'New Girl' writers, GIVE WINSTON SOMETHING REAL TO DO!

'Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model' Finale (Or, One Very Proud Irish Girl)

I mainly watch 'Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model' because I like watching the photo shoots and seeing how they dress them up for each theme (such as the fairy tales), but it does have some amusing and interesting qualities, so I thought I would blog the finale. It starts with a hilarious introduction of the three remaining contestants:

Emma             Lauren               Sophie 

Emma- Left a call centre job and is 'unusual' and 'individual' looking. Is she? She looks almost identical to Lara Stone to me. 

Lauren- AKA the best so far. She was homeless. 

Sarah- Okay, I'm not going to bitch about any of the contestants, because it is mean, and I understand that I can't have an honest picture of her from only seeing her on the TV for an hour a week. It just annoys me how the judges and Sarah herself seem to insist she is the underdog because she has moved from Ireland to London, even though she seems to sail through the competition to me, and also that she has apparently overcome numerous deathly 'challenges', which include sitting in water, stroking a cow and holding a tame snake. Also, if I have a pound for every time Sarah said she is 'proud' of herself, I would be very rich by now. 

Photo Shoot

I love watching the photo shoots on this programme. They are creative, beautiful, and I find how different the models look in the photos compared to normally fascinating. Anyway, Sarah is 'so proud to be here' and 'so proud to be the final Irish girl'. 

Emma is posing, but I am too busy looking at Tyson:

Emma feels like she deserves to win more than the other girls. Oooo. Claws out. Lauren wears a bright blue bikini when the other girls were wearing black, which doesn't seem that fair. 

Next, we see montages of all three girls staring dramatically into space. I can just imagine the director being like, 'Girls, stop playing on your phones, the camera is rolling! Stare dramatically into the distance like staring hard enough will bring you all your hopes and dreams!' Emma says 'I'm twenty, so this is my last chance'. Erm? That's very cynical, even for a model. Surely she has a few more years left? Sarah says 'I'm so proud of myself for making it into the final' (of course), 'even though I am red haired and Irish' (bleurrggghh). 

Catwalk 

The girls practise their catwalk. A black gay guy (probably...stereotype? I doubt it) is screaming at Lauren 'WRONG SHOES! WRONG SHOES! WRONG SHOES!' and I feel like I'm watching 'Devil Wears Prada'. 

CATWALK TIME! Lauren looks fierce:

Isn't Sarah just so happy Lauren's walk went well?

She sure is. Sarah struts her stuff, and Dannii continues to look like a frozen mermaid statue:

After Emma walks, Sarah is stressed out (and secretly thrilled) because her dress is too short, and Lauren is panicking because her shoes are too big. #TopModelProblems. Lauren walks, and Tyson is all, 'That's her best walk ever!', and 'Good walk, GOOD WALK!' I'm baffled, because to me it looks identical to every other walk. Ah well. Sarah apparently stumbles, which I didn't notice, but I wish I had. She screams 'IT'S A BIT CHAOTIC' with the ever present 'BUT I'M STILL ENJOYING IT'. Also, the judges start laughing at Emma's walk? Which I thought was mean. Lauren nearly falls over, but she pulls it off LIKE A BOSS. 

The three girls strut out, and I'm sorry, Lauren should definitely win, she looks so lithe and graceful, she is basically gliding across the cat walk. Emma looks really weird for a second: 

Sarah reminds me more and more of a super smug cat every day:

(I'm definitely not saying she is fat, like that cat is, just the face). 

JUDGES

The judges deliberate. Lauren is 'the strongest contestant we have ever had'. Go Lauren! Go Lauren! (I'm not biased here because I like her better, I like her and Emma equally, but because I genuinely think she is the best). Emma is 'quirky'. Sarah 'works twice as hard as the other girls'...does she?

The girls face the judges. LAUREN WINS!!!! She sobs with joy, whilst the other girls stand there looking pissed off. Is this not one of the most awkward photos you have ever seen? 

The other girls then have to witness an impromptu party thrown for Lauren, which consists of: 

and a radiant and ecstatic Elle, who looks like a five year old who has just walked in the room and seen her parents got her a pony for Christmas: 

CLOSING MONTAGE

Sarah- Sarah is 'proud of herself'. Duh.

Emma- Emma is not going to go back to the call centre. 

Judges- They agree Lauren has to 'rock it out'. Also, Dannii is SO short! Elle and Tyson look like a mum and a dad proudly looking at their adopted child in this photo:

Lauren- The episode ends with Lauren dancing around whilst Bastille's 'Pompeii' plays dramatically in the background. Well done Lauren! Well deserved.