Yowza! Did not see this one coming. After bitching last week about how New Girl is dragging out the Ness (Nick and Jess) love triangle for ages and will continue to do so with nothing actually happening, I've been proved totally and utterly wrong, because...THEY KISSED! But I'm jumping the gun (I don't understand that saying). Apart from the kiss, this episode wasn't that funny.
Trench coat is mean to Jess
This episode starts with Nick wearing a trench coat he received in the mail. He says, 'Look how handsome I look!' You DO look handsome, Nick! Don't let Jess and Winston (urgh) get you down! It gives him confidence, and makes him do this:
This strange arm gesture reminds me of the weird 'Kentucky-friend-chicken-and-a-pizza-hut' song everyone dances to, but after 20 years I still haven't learnt the words or understood why it is fun to do. I don't think they have that song in America (or do they...), so moving on. All the boys want to have sex, so decide to go on a big LAD'S NIGHT OUT. They are doing a lad dance in the bathroom, and Jess walks in and asks to come. Nick says no! It is really mean! Apparently Jess is his 'cooler' and stops him getting girls. I'm not sure I can accept 'cooler' as part of the New Girl vocabulary It was hard enough with 'pogo'. 'Cooler' makes an image of an actually cooler spring to mind.
So Jess gets upset and I'm pretty angry with Nick right now. Also, I didn't know Nick controlled Jess's movements now, whilst Schmidt and Winston stand in the background doing nothing. I expected this passive uselessness from you Winston, but Schmidt? Come on.
Strip true American
'Chirpsing' is a verb my male friends use when they are trying to flirt with girls (I don't know why), and it's the only verb I can think of that fits this situation. The boys are 'chirpsing' some girls at a bar. Winston stutters whenever he tries, because he 'wants sex too much'. Wow. Nick finds a girl who finds miserable guys attractive. Jess has made a creepy Nick doll. It's slightly odd. Why doesn't she make a Sam doll? Or a Cece doll?
She can hear scratching at her door, get's scared, and calls Nick. She thinks it might be gang related. 'I've always been worried about my blue curtains...Crips'. Haha. Nick agrees to go back, but he brings everyone with him. Nick doesn't find the Nick doll as scary as I would. They all play True American. What is this game??? Did I miss the episode that explains the rules? All I know is they jump around on chairs and tables, take off their clothes, and shout phrases like 'Abu Nazir!' and 'I'm George Kennedy!'.
Boring Subplot: Cece is on a date with a guy who has THE WORST British accent I have ever heard. They come to the apartment, and Cece tells Schmidt she loves him so Schmidt can have sex with the girl who finds sad guys hot. I'm not sure if it is meant to be romantic. The date storms off.
Boring Subplot 2: A pretty Chinese girl makes Winston feel better about being shy, and they kiss. Boring, but at least Winston has his own subplot for once. He might even get his own main plot in 2 years at the rate this is going!
Anyway, due to some game I didn't understand, Nick and Jess have to kiss. Schmidt finds this hilarious, and his facial expression reminds me of the Laughing Buddah:
Nick and Jess are locked in a room till they kiss. It lasts for a while. Nick and Jess have a 'moment' of eye contact. This reminds me of the bit in Friends where Phoebe goes, 'Eye contact? I hope you were using protection'. Jess is wearing a strange outfit. I know she had to strip, but she reminded me of a lamp shade.
There is a funny bit where Dr Sam turns up and starts chanting 'Kiss kiss kiss' with everyone else. What a fun guy! I'm sorry you will soon be cheated on. Jess goes, 'just kiss me Miller!'. Nick goes...
'Not like this'.
Woahhhh! He has just accidentally admitted his love for her! Awwwwwwwwwww. He freaks out, can't speak properly, and climbs out the window. It is very amusing. Everyone thinks he is trying to commit suicide and Schmidt faints. I noticed Sam was in the background laughing whilst everyone else was screaming. He just loves life.
Kiss Kiss Kiss!
Schmidt, Nick and Winston have a meeting about his suicide attempt. Schmidt goes, 'are you not getting enough attention?' It's cute, like they are a proper family. Sam and Jess rock up. Sam is still laughing. Life and soul of the party, this one! He goes, 'Man, it was hilarious, you climbed out a window to avoid kissing Jess!' I hadn't thought about it like that, but HOW AWKWARD. Nick says, 'I'm an idiot' as a joke, but he looks so sad. It also made me realise Jake Johnson is a really good actor. Later, Jess and Nick run into each other in the hall. An unnamed lady takes her coat off Nick, because it turns out it was a woman's coat. Jess walks away, and Nick grabs her passionately and they kiss for AGES. Woooo! I find watching long extended kissing scenes awkward, but this one was okay. Nick then dramatically goes, 'I meant like that'. He walks into his bedroom and slams the door. Manly! Jess is in shock. But she is still with Dr Sam! Ahhhh! How did their kiss rate up to other famous kisses?
I think it loses due to the lack of rain / pink lighting, although it does make it more realistic. Anyway, I'm excited to see what happens next week.
Bleurgh. I didn't think this episode of New Girl was that good. It opens with Jess being annoying and putting money in an 'annoyance bowl', so yeah, great. Jess has had a break through with a student called 'Edgar', who is a great writer. Cece bumps into Winston's 'pup tent', eg. erection. Nick and Schmidt pull exaggerated, camp gaspy faces:
Jess's face mimics how I felt at this whole scene:
Awkward meh. Because I think it was supposed to be hilarious, and I wasn't feeling it. At first I thought it was because I was in a bad mood, but I just watched it for a second time, and my thoughts were the same. Let's recap.
JESS-MURDER-EDGAR-MAN
Edgar writes a story about a deer with eyes that are 'big, too big'. In the story he wears a 'gimp costume' and he 'stabs and stabs' the deer. The story is dark. Real dark. What is a gimp costume? Nick gets all protective of Jess, and to 'investigate' high jacks her class as 'Julius Pepperwood' (Cool name. No, seriously). He is an 'ex-cop, ex-marine'. Hell yeah! His disguise makes him look like a blind man who likes baseball caps. Nick and Jess stories are nice and cute and all, but come on, break it up. We had one last week. Edgar's reaction at the whole Julius Pepperwood character mimics my own feelings:
Edgar starts drawing violent pictures of deer. Edgar later goes, 'what's happening right now?' You are right, Edgar. What IS happening right now? What on earth is happening in this episode? Why is it all falling apart? Nick has also started calling Jess 'Jessica'. Ooooh, like a boyfriend. I hate that, when everyone calls your friends boyfriend 'Jonny', including his own parents, and the girlfriend is like, 'Jonathan, get me some tea'. Anyway, that's what is happening. I am predicting either Nick or Jess (probably Nick...) realises their romantic feelings for the other one in 4 episodes. But the other one has a great new boyfriend / girlfriend. And it is all sad. And then the other one is about to go away / marry the great new boyfriend / girlfriend, then Nick/Jess will declare their love and all will be well. Although, this show does generally avoid cliches, so I'm sure they will find some new quirky way to do it. Maybe he will write 'I love you' in ribbons and glitter wearing sunglasses, or something.
Nick and Jess go to Edgar's house to investigate. They have a safe word. It is 'dragon slippers'. HA! Love it. Edgar has something in a duffel bag. Jess says Nick was 'right about everything'. There was no tension in this story. It's New Girl, obviously Jess isn't going to get murdered by some deer obsessed guy called Edgar. Nick get's stuck in a window. Edgar thinks Jess is a stalker and runs away. Nick gets hit on the head by Edgar's mum (?). There is a fight with pepper spray. The solution for everything? He is going to kill Jess in 'his graphic novel', not in real life. Dur. Next hilarious (not) part of this storyline, the mum is not his mum but his lover.
POGO (WHAT?)
Okay, so apparently Winston 'pogoed' Cece. That makes sense, because a pogo is a big stick and...yeah. Sexual connotation. But no! It means something else! Anything can be a pogo! Where on earth has the word pogo come from? Is this an American thing? Like 'Marco Polo', which I still don't 100% understand?
So a pogo is something annoying about you that your friends talk about when you aren't in the room. I can see the writers want this to become the new 'laminated list'. It may catch on. I kind of want to know what my pogo is, but also, I really don't. Schmidt wants to know his pogo. He asks if it is because he 'dances like a sea snake'. Classic Schmidtism! Schmidt then thinks it is his caterpillar eyebrows, and shaves half of them off. I got the shock of my life, primarily because Schmidt is supposed to be super vain, so wouldn't do that, and also because I really wasn't expecting it. What is happening! Schmidt is now Marcus, ei 10 year old Nicholas Hoult from About A Boy:
Schmidt's pogo is his 'barnacle toe nails'. Cece asks hers. 'Sorry, this is more of just a loft thing'. HA. Burneeddddd. Apparently Jess's pogo is that she is a 'know it all'. Erm, when? I didn't realise Jess was now Ted Mosby. I'd say Jess, the dream-cloud-glitter-ribbons girl, or, as she is usually type cast, the 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl', is the opposite of a know it all. The writers clearly got bored with picking out pogos and gave up with Jess's.
Nick's pogo: 'We're worried you aren't going to make it. Just in general'. The flatmates crumble up vitamins and sneak him money. Awwww. He makes bacon with fat, butter and salt to SHOW THEM. He writes a novel about 'Julius Pepperwood, Zombie detective'. Next....FIRE!! For 2 seconds! And then it gets put out.
To end this gem...
Winston FARTS WHEN HE IS RUNNING.
On the plus side, Winston had the same amount of screen time as Schmidt this week. Good to see you back homedog. I'm not going to do funny quotes, because there weren't enough.
TO SUMMARIZE
This week we have had
1) Penis jokes.
2) A fake murderer.
3) A fire.
4) An old lady lover.
5) Fart jokes.
6) Shaved eyebrows.
Also, where is Dr Sam??? I'm sure New Girl will be back to its high standards next week, but this episode was disappointingly average to the extreme. I feel my reaction has been very negative, and maybe I am missing something, so if you disagree feel free. This blog is nothing if not supportive of free speech.
Les Misérables is sweeping up the awards and nominations: winner of 3 Golden Globes, 8 BAFTA nominations, 9 Academy Award nominations. This created a certain amount of expectation. I was very excited for it, which is strange because I don't really like musicals (I should also point out I haven't actually seen Les Mis on stage: sacrilege!). I wanted to see it because a) I like literary adaptations, and b) THIS TRAILER:
Ahhh! I think this is the only trailer soundtrack I have downloaded onto my iPod, additionally impressive because before this I had only heard the Glee version of 'I Dreamed a Dream' and some very stage-school kids in high school warbling 'Castle on a Cloud' when the mood struck them. I also love Tom Hooper's previous work, especially The King's Speech, so I was intrigued to see how he would handle it. It's an amazing film, but so emotionally battering I'm not sure I could watch it again. Quoting my friend who was with me, 'does it really not get any happier?'
EVERYTHING GET'S WORSE
The film opens with Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean, someone imprisoned for stealing a loaf of bread. I LOVE Hugh Jackman, and this film made me love him even more. He even lost 15 pounds, then put on another 30, to mirror his character's journey! Such dedication! Jean Valjean, or JVJ as he shall now be named, is given his parole by Russell Crowe's Javert. He sings a sad song about how he got 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread and Javert is like, no no no, you got an extra 14 years because you kept trying to escape. AHA! Busted. JVJ steals some silver from a very nice priest, and the priest pretends he gave him the silver. He then does actually give him the silver and tells him to be a better man. In a very pacey scene in a chapel, JVJ 'find's God'. Javert swears he will bring the escaped convict to justice. Better watch your back, JVJ. The beginning dragged on a bit for me, but I think that is more because I was trying to adjust to the 'sing-talk' style, which I'm not really used to.
8 years later...
JVJ is now major of Montreuil-sur-Mer. He has a nice hair cut and a VERY COOL coat. I really like his coats throughout this film. Fashion thumbs up to JVJ.
Javert arrives to see the major, and get's suspicious when he recognises his face and sees how strong he is. Oh God. His obsession with JVJ has had 8 years to fester, and clearly isn't going anywhere. Because JVJ is all flustered that his stalker has returned (get used to him, JVJ; he will stick to you like a shadow monster), he doesn't notice a worker is being fired from his factory because some horrible, horrible rat faced women tell the lecherous boss she is a prostitute.
The worker is...ANNE HATHAWAY! (Eg. Fantine). Fantine is desperate for money to send to her illegitimate child, so has to sell her hair, her teeth, and become a prostitute. If this film had expectations, Hathaway's performance certainly did, with the amount of Oscar buzz it has generated. It is well deserved, she is fantastic. Soulful, brimming eyes, heart-breaking, realistic. Bravo. A long way from her Princess Diary days. JVJ finds Fantine after she attacks a man for putting snow down her dress, and Fantine is all, THIS IS ON YOU.
JVJ looks stricken. He takes her to a hospital and promises he will find her daughter. Javert tries to stop him, because Javert is always there, lurking in the shadows. He tells JVJ that he is very sorry, he told the police that JVJ was the real JVJ, but he can't be, because the real JVJ has been caught. JVJ debates whether to come clean or not and reveal his identity. DON'T DO IT. He does, of course. He runs off.
A MYRIAD OF ESCAPES AND PRETTY BLOND CHILDREN.
Javert catches JVJ at the hospital. My patience with Javert and his weird obsessive tendencies is growing thin. JVJ escapes. Good. He runs to find Fantine's daughter, Cosette, who is being kept as a slave at an Inn owned by the crooks Helena Bonham Carter and Borat. There is a song about how dishonest and horrible they are at the inn. It went on for too long, although it was funny. They also CUT OFF A CAT'S TAIL. JVJ turns up and rescues Cosette from a miserable grey cold wood. He buys her off the Borats. Javert is looking for him AGAIN, and JVJ has to escape with the child by climbing up buildings and running, and there is a really cute bit where he is hugging her on top of a wall, and the whole scene makes me love him even more because he is so capable and strong and nice. On a side note, it's really clever how closely a lot of the screen shots match Hugo's original illustrations, for example:
Javert is furious and sings (one critic said he 'bleats', haha) a boring song on top of a roof. Oh. My. God. GET OVER IT!! From what I am gathering, Javert was born in a prison, and has dedicated his life to be an over zealous, strangely into-his-job law enforcer. Like Batman, only inside the law, not out of it, and without the billions of dollars and changeable voice. Fine. But...Russell Crowe. I love him in Gladiator, but I just don't think he does a very good job. There is no emotion in Javert what so ever. The only way to find out what he is currently feeling is to listen to the lyrics of the song. He is SO DULL. A singing cabbage would be more interesting. (A cabbage is the most boring thing I could think of).
Literally the only flaw in a film of spectacular performances.
9 years later...
Idealistic students Marius and Enjolras are about to start a revolution with their friends. They are both so, so attractive:
Oh my goodness. The one on the left is Enjolras, eg. Trip Vanderbilt from Gossip Girl. He is a serious, fiery revolutionary leader.The one on the right is Marius. He is a privileged boy from a rich background who won't accept his family money. Somehow the freckles, high cheekbones and wide, wide mouth all combines into a deep voiced, enthusiastic ball of hotness. The students get their information from a little blonde street urchin called Gavroche. He looks freakishly like baby Cosette's identical twin brother:
Seriously. It confused me. He's great, though.
Anywho, the older Cosette (Amanda Seyfried) is living with JVJ in a beautiful little fairytale cottage, and she doesn't know anything about his past, and she isn't allowed any friends because he is very paranoid. Marius sees Cosette walking with JVJ, and they fall in love with each other. In 2 seconds. Without talking. It really irritates me whenever this happens in films, but, you know, willing suspension of disbelief and all that. Marius gets the Borat's daughter, Eponine, to find out her location. Eponine is in unrequited love with Marius; she is obsessed with him, she follows him, she appears out of no where to ambush him with her presence. Sounds an awful lot like the situation between JVJ and Javert to me. Eponine is sad but tells Marius where Cosette lives, song song song between the three of them, the Borat's try and capture them and JVJ and Cosette escape again. Always with the escaping, that JVJ. I also really thought Seyfriend would be in this film a lot more, she has about 3 minutes of screen time. The songs that have different harmonies and multiple voices are dead on, by the way. Very well done.
EVERYONE IS MISERABLE AND MOST PEOPLE DIE
Eponine is miserable, Marius is miserable, Cosette is miserable, JVJ is miserable. The miserable ones! Marius says he will take part in the revolution because Cosette has gone. REVOLUTION! The students hijack a funeral and the revolution begins. There are flags flying everywhere:
The students run to a barricade So does Javert. I'm not sure why, and I don't really care. They find out he is a spy, and he is put in their make shift prison. Finally. JVJ joins the rebels because he doesn't want Marius to die, because Marius loves Cosette. Awwww. JVJ saves Hot Trip Rebel, and Hot Trip Rebel gives him Javert. JVJ lets Javert go. Javert is all, I will still put you in prison and catch you. Good grief. There are no words. GET OVER IT, MOVE ON, LEAVE HIM ALONE, GET A LIFE, GET A BOYFRIEND, JAVERT!
The rebels know they are going to die because the people of Paris don't join their cause. This movie makes me hate the general 'people' of Paris. The crowds. First they screw over Fantine, then they complain every 3 seconds, then they abandon the rebels who are rebelling because of their complaining, then they let them die, then they moan about how sad it is when they wash up the blood. I've never hated an anonymous bunch of every changing faces more. The rebels fight anyway, because they are the epitome of youthful bravery and idealism. The little boy dies, Hot Trip Rebel dies, they all die. Eponine gets hurt saving Marius, then dies in his arms after telling him she loves him. It is very sad. JVJ drags a wounded Marius into a sewer. Javert is there (surprise surprise): 'If you take one more step I will shoot you'. The look on JVJ's face here matches how I felt at his reappearance:
JVJ dismisses him with an exasperated sigh. Javert has been spurned. His love has rejected him. Even stalking him and threatening to kill him can't elicit any form of emotions any more. He must kill himself. He sings a roof song again. ARGHHH. At this point, I got up and went to buy a drink, because I was dehydrated and knew I wasn't going to miss anything. I didn't, he was still roof singing when I came back. Javert throws himself into a river and hits his legs on some concrete on the way down. Stupid way to kill yourself, but au revoir, Javert.
THE END
Marius sings a very touching, sad song to his dead rebel friends. Cosette comforts him. JVJ tells Marius he is the real JVJ and disappears. Marius and Cosette get married. For someone who didn't want his grandfather's money, and very recently helped staged a revolution, Marius is certainly very happy to flounce around in fancy white clothes in a fancy building with what looks like the whole of Paris' fancy bourgeois occupants.
The Borats (the Borats are in this film way too much; they are funny, but there is so much of them, it makes them less funny and a bit tiring) tell him JVJ saved his life. Marius grabs Cosette and they rush to see Marius. How did Marius think he got saved before? Did he not ask? I found this bit confusing.
They find JVJ dying in a convent He is dying in style, wearing a very nice pale green coat. The ghost of Fantine comes and comforts him. It is very sweet. Cosette and Marius turn up. JVJ dies in peace. He walks with the ghost of Fantine into heaven, which is a giant barricade in the streets of Paris, where all the rebels are singing. The end pretty much sums up the film; emotional, spectacular, rousing feast of music and red, white and blue.
Oh, I forgot to mention, the little orphans live in a really cool elephant.
The directing, the acting (with a notable exception), the design and the costumes were spot on, and deserve to win awards. Even without the songs, you can tell it has been partly adapted (the novel was also used) from a stage musical: very emotional, long and theatrical. Whilst this means I wouldn't personally choose to see it again, because once is enough, I think it will beat even die-hard Les Mis fans' high expectations, and it is a fantastic cinema experience.
There have been 5 films pretty much dominating the awards this season, and Silver Linings Playbook is one of them. I'll try review all 5, except, eeesssh...can I sit through Lincoln? I'm not sure. Although I did find out that John Wilkes Booth was the 19th century equivalent of Brad Pitt, which is interesting...like Brad Pitt assassinating Obama. Enough rambling. Silver Linings Playbook has received 8 Academy Awards nominations (achieving the rare feat of being nominated in all four acting categories), four Golden Globes Awards nominations, with Lawrence winning Best Actress, 3 BAFTA nominations, any many more. So my expectations were high. And boy, did it deliver. Emotional, troubling, funny, romantic, heart warming, random, dance-drama-romantic-comedy film, tackling the tough subject of mental illness head on.
PAT NOT DOING SO GOOD
The film opens with Pat, the handsome Bradley Cooper (although, personally, I think he looks better with longer hair). He is in a mental institute, and is given some pills. It's creepily similar to the start of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Pat has just been released due to the persuasion of his mum. He was in there because he snapped and nearly beat a man to death; the same man he walked in on having sex with his wife in the shower. His wife is called Nikki. By the end of this film, you will hate the name Nikki. Pat is convinced he can get Nikki back. He runs in a bin bag, he reads her entire teaching syllabus. He convinces his dad he is getting better, with this important gem:
EXCELSIOR: 'Take all the bullshit and find a silver lining'.
At first I thought 'Excelsiar' sounded King Arthur related, and got all excited. EXCALIBUS!
Pat is clearly not okay. He is unstable, earnestly deluded, desperate for news of his wife and refusing to acknowledge his bi-polar condition. It's sad to watch. He smashes things up when he hears his wedding song, he won't take his meds, he complains about Ernest Hemingway. He wears a Philadelphia Eagle's sweater to a dinner party. The Philadelphia Eagle's are also a big part of this film. At the dinner party he meets Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), a widow. She is bat-shit insane. Seriously. In a really passive aggressive, eyes full of loathing and danger kind of way.
She really scares me in this movie. So unpredictable. When she says to him, after their first meeting and when she basically forced him to walk her home at emotional gun point, 'I haven't dated since before my marriage, so I don't know how this goes', I felt Pat's confusion and horror. RUN PAT. RUN NOW!!!
Anyway, they start an awkward friendship full of inappropriate conversations, uncomfortable shouting and unpredictable behaviour, due to Tiffany continually ambushing him on his runs. At first Pat calls her a 'loyal married to a dead guy slut', but his therapist convinces him Nikki will think he is a better person if he makes friends with her. Woah, inappropriate, manipulative suggestion, therapist. Nikki has a restraining order of him. She watched him nearly strangle her lover to death with a bloody shower hose, which we are shown in horrifying flashbacks. To make things worse, she was cheating on him ANYWAY. I think Pat should move on. I certainly think Nikki should move on, even if it is Bradley Cooper. These two clearly were not good for each other, as shown when Pat says 'we wouldn't talk to each other for a couple of weeks after fights, but that's normal'.
FRIEND DATES
They go on a friend date on Halloween. Very apt, considering Tiffany dresses like a goth. I was expecting there to be a funny line where someone says to her, 'I like your costume', but there wasn't. There is an amusing bit where Pat orders cereal to make sure she knows it isn't a date. Tiffany promises she can deliver a letter to Nikki through her sister. I SMELL A RAT. RUN PAT! But he has to enter a DANCE CONTEST with her first. MANIPULATION OF THE HIGHEST ORDER! She eventually gives him a letter from Nikki, which says she needs to SEE something in order to prove that Pat has changed. Again, I smell a rat. A crazy, all black wearing, manipulative rat. The dancing isn't going great. Pat's friend from the mental institute tells him to 'black it up'. Pat says he doesn't know what that means. The friend says, you know what that means. And it's true. In relation to dancing, we all know what that means. GIVE IT SOME SOUL, BROTHER. The dancing causes Pat to collapse in exhaustion on his bed, and to knock all the horrible Nikki books off- yey! positive symbolism! Get rid of that horrible Nikki from your head and dance your troubles away. Was she horrible? She did cheat on him, but he also did have mental problems, accused her of embezzling money, used to be fat, and nearly killed someone in front of her. Grey, grey area. There are a lot of grey-area-dwelling characters in this film, which is what makes it so compelling.
GAMBLE GAMBLE GAMBLE
Side plot: Pat's dad clearly has OCD and a gambling problem. He is betting all his money on the Eagle's, and is convinced Pat has to watch the game with him to win. De Niro's clearly obsessive, troubled, desperate performance is heart breaking, because it's clear that he is just as damaged as Pat, only probably can't change it. It also creates a clever history of where Pat gets his problems from.
Pat and Tiffany's dance contest happens to be on the same day as an Eagle's game. The dad can get all his lost gambling money back if the Eagle's win, and if Pat and Tiffany score 5/10 in the contest. Against professionals. I really liked this element of the film; you know they have no chance in hell of winning so don't expect the miracles of boring cliche dance films, you are just wiling for them to get a poor to mediocre score. It is refreshing. GO OUT THERE AND PERFORM YOUR AVERAGE BEST, GUYS! The deal is brokered in a passive aggressive confrontation between the dad and Tiffany, the two greatest burdens/saviours in Pat's life, its hard to tell which. The dad's mentally unstable status is cemented when he says Tiffany is 'making a lot of sense'. She isn't. There is a terrifying moment where Tiffany says, 'I'm Tiffany, by the way', and glares around the room with eyes like that of a caged, unhinged lion. How was she married for 3 years? Who was he?!? Anyway, Tiffany says her and his parents have to lie to Pat and tell him Nikki will be at the dance contest. We also find out the mum was the one who told Tiffany how to ambush Pat on the runs. WOAH! The puppet master has been revealed! The wizard behind the curtain, secretly controlling and plotting the lives of her unhinged, damaged, Eagle loving relatives. She is like the Godfather.
Pat realises it was Tiffany who wrote the letter when he sees the line 'if you look at the signs', the same line she has been angrily shouting at him all evening.
DANCE CONTEST
The ending has to be the most perfect conclusion to the film I could have imagined. Firstly, visually, the tone is very different. The main part of the movie is set in the dingy, yellow and brown interiored, grey suburbia with moody, melancholic music. The dance contest takes part in a grand, glittering hall full of flashing blue, green and pink lights with smooth, emotional, jazzy music. Anyway, when they get there, Tiffany freaks out because she sees Nikki. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, NIKKI. They perform the dance after some coaxing from Pat, and it's great. Seductive, fun, just the right level of surprisingly good but still not amazing. There are some cool shots where you see Tiffany dancing from Pat's point of view.
The lighting is all pink and seductive and calming. They are wearing white, which is some clever symbolism, like this is their chance to leave their past behind and become reborn into happiness and light and love. Getting deep here, guys. They get 5/10. YEY! I have never been so happy to see a 5/10.
PERFECT ROM-COM ENDING
Pat goes to see Nikki, and Tiffany runs away. He whispers in Nikki's ear, then leaves. Its amazing this is the same woman who he was neurotically obsessing over and who caused him to nearly murder someone. It shows how much he has altered for the better, which is nice. The dad tells him 'I'm not sure if Nikki ever loved you, but she doesn't now'. Harsh but true, harsh but true. Take that stellar perspective and apply it to your ridiculous gambling habits. Tiffany starts running and I just REALLY WANT him to shout 'HEY!' and appear out of no where, her signature stalker runner move, and he DOES and its PERFECT and he says he loves her and I don't know why because she is CRAZY in a MANIPULATIVE, SELFISH WAY but it's SO CUTE.
The film ends with the whole family together. Pat and Tiffany are very happy. The dad is still gambling, which brings a nice bit of realism to the film, although it is still sad. The acting in this film is amazing- you forget how famous all the cast are, and instead see them as a real family, and start to feel for them like worried friends watching from the sidelines. Cooper and Lawrence are perfect. Tiffany isn't a super likeable character, but Lawrence makes her kind of likeable, so you start to feel sorry for her and want her to be happy. De Niro is perfect. My only problem with this film is that there are too many close ups of people staring moodily into space at the beginning, which makes it a bit too depressing. Straying into Twilight territory. However, film's can't often pull off sadness and laughter, but when they do, like in In Bruges, they become the SILVER LINING of all the awful, awful generic rom coms that flood our cinemas, and this is exactly what this movie has provided. It ends with a brilliant quote, that seems to perfectly sum up the film:
The world will break your heart 10 ways till Sunday,
Sorry for the appalling lack of posts, I've been busy for the past week doing my dissertation. I would have recapped my dissertation, but let's face it, that wouldn't have been fun for either party. So I missed reviewing last week's New Girl, but I still saw the episode. Basically, the Promiscuous Stripper broke up with Nick. There was Absinthe. Schmidt was accidentally very racist, which made for quite uncomfortable viewing.
This week's episode was called A Father's Love. As usual, there were 2 and a quarter story lines:, which comprised of: Nick and Jess (1), Schmidt and Robbie (1), Winston (1/4).
Nick and Jess
Nick's dad made an appearance! He is a very stereotypical con man. He is unreliable. He is the reason Nick is all angry and broken inside, and why he has 'the blood pressure of a hummingbird'. Haha. He calls Jess 'blue eyes', which I think is quite a catchy nick name. It certainly made me notice her blue eyes more. She has VERY blue eyes. I don't know where my creative nickname talent has gone, but Nick's dad will be referred to as Nick's dad. I'm sorry. Nick's dad manipulates Jess's good nature to make her lend him money to buy a horse to make Nick happy. Jess was very likeable in this episode. She was delighted Nick wanted a horse, and also surprised, because Nick 'hates all living things'. There is a hilarious line where she says, 'Nick looks so sad. He's like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad wet dog'.
I've tried, but I just can't see it.
She pretends to be a vet and puts people off the horse, in her delightfully innocent way: 'I'm seeing a lot of split ends. The mane is totally the wrong length for the shape of it's face'. The horse is called 'A Father's Love'. TITULAR REFERENCE. He wants to sell it for horse semen in Dubai. Jess is appalled. 'There is more to A Father's Love than just semen!' There is a very funny bit of dialogue between Nick and Jess, where Nick demonstrates she will believe anything:
Nick: My name is Jameel.
Jess: It is?!
Nick: NO MY NAME IS NOT JAMEEL. MY NAME IS NICK.
Jess: That's not fair, you told me in confidence!
Nick: Why do you think my name is Jameel?
Jess: Well, he's *points to Nick's dad* weird!
Nick and his dad go to sell the horse to some very stereotypical Russian gangsters. Lots of stereotypical criminals all around in this episode. Nick got nervous and starts convulsing and gargling around. I still don't know if he was pretending or not. I still don't understand what was happening.
Nick blames his dad for the fact he never eats vegetables. It seems Nick blames other people a lot for his own laziness / lack of drive. There is sad scene where Nick's dad is sneaking out the house without telling him. Jess catches him and there is such disapproval and sadness in her big, guileless blue eyes, and you know it is because 1) Her faith in humanity is being severely tested 2) She knows how much it will hurt Nick. Awwwwwwww.
She starts angrily messing with the sink. NO JESS! Go make some cupcakes and play with glitter! Surrounded by kittens in ribbons! This is starting to sound like that Mary Poppin's song, but I guess they are a few of Jess's favourite things. Nick and Jess have another cute scene, PLEASE JUST GET TOGETHER GUYS. I am so excited for when they finally get married.
Winston
Winston calls Nick's dad 'papa'. A 2 second flashback shows Winston liked hats as a child. ('So many hats'!). Thus concludes the Winston part of the episode. Literally. He is not seen or mentioned again.
Schmidt and Robbie
This episode had to be my favourite Schmidt episode EVER. A new team was created: Schmidt and Robbie (the brilliance of 'Voldizard' cannot be recaptured, as this left me stumped- 'Schmobbie'? 'Ridt'?). They are both upset Cece is been set up with another Indian by her parents. This leads to a lot of jokes that border on racist, but because it's New Girl they get away with them, and I'm still not sure how. 'Good luck with whatever Patel you're dating' progresses to 'White Guy Power!' by the end of the episode. Anyway, Schmidt and Robbie prove to be the perfect combination of New Girl's speciality: quick witted randomness being fired back and forth.
They make a plan to get Cece back. Schmidt will make her fall in love with Robbie, and 'once we have lost the sub continental threat, I smite you'.
They eventually decide to crash Cece's house, which leads to awkwardness and accidental racism in front of two Indian families. They get thrown out, but stay friends, which I hope will continue into next week's episode.
Best Schmidt and Robbie-isms.
1) Cece- 'I think he's making fun of you for ordering a lemon drop'.
S- 'What, for working hard and playing hard? Guess the joke is on me'.
2) S- 'One billion Indian men is a daunting foe. I suddenly feel empathy for Pakistan'.
3) S- 'It's like they say. How do you eat an elephant, Robbie?'
R-'With chop sticks'.
S- 'What?'
R- 'Slowly with chop sticks. In a taco'.
S- 'Who eats elephant tacos? That's not even the same. One bite at a time, Robbie. One bite at a time'.
4) R- 'We can name a star after her. I know this website. We can put her right next to the Robbie's 1-8.
S- 'You have 8 stars?'
R- 'There are like a billion stars, they are really cheap'.
S- 'And 8 of them are yours? That's a horrible investment'.
5) S- 'She's into that Gandhi crap. We could self emulate'.
Overall this has been my favourite episode for a while. The dialogue was on fire. I sincerely hope this show stays as funny as it is at the moment, because the writers and the actors seem to have found their ideal curve. Let's hope it doesn't turn into Friends, Season 10 (I was just watching the horrendous Rachel / Joe (Roe? Jachel? God damn it!) episodes. Who would be the worst pairing on this show? Probably Winston and Cece. Then again, anything to give Winston a bit of the lime light. Make him the president if it will get him more air time. Make him into an elephant taco, even.
Time for a review of The Amazing Spider Man. I'm sure I'm not the only person who thought it was slightly too soon for a Spider Man remake. What's next, a new version of the Batman films for 2014? I loved Tobey Maguire as Spidey, and Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane, and didn't want to see them so cruelly forgotten so soon. I also found the Bryce Dallas Howard's portrayal of Gwen Stacy quite irritating, and inconsistent, seen as Gwen Stacy DIES in the comics:
AHHHH! Major possible spoiler alert for the next movie!!!!! I love nothing if not ruining surprises for other people when they have already been ruined for me.
Anyway. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are probably my two favourite up and comers in Hollywood, so I was looking forward to seeing them together. By the way, is it concerning anyone else how most of Hollywood's main movie stars, who have dominated everything for the past 15 years, are now heading into their 50s? And there doesn't seem to be enough established younger actors in the generation below to replace them? And we might have to keep watching Cameron Diaz be the main star in a rom com till she is 60, because Emma Stone and Mila Kunis can't be in all of them? It certainly worries me.
I am going to review the characters, because we all know the plot from the first film, except there is no James Franco and the Green Goblin is substituted for a giant lizard, and Mary Jane is blonde with a different name.
Spider Man
Garfield plays the new spider man. I LOVE HIM. He is so adorable. I'm not sure he is a better spider man, because I thought Maguire's doe eyed bambi-spider (how creepy would a bambi-spider hybrid be? eurgh, like one of those weird toys off Toy Story) was perfect. Garfield plays a different spider man; slightly harder, slightly edgier, seems a lot more capable athletically and mentally. He is kind of like Maguire's spider man when he goes all dark and edgy in that black spider man suit. Spider man on acid (the drug, not actually acid) / lots of Red Bull. There is a scene where he is teasing a robber, and at first it's funny, but then you realise that asserting your power over someone else in a mean and humiliating way is probably how most dictators started off. He is also not very considerate to his aunt when she has just been widowed, and mean to Gwen Stacy when her dad dies.
Or: Spider man suit vs New spider man suit
They make the new spider man cleverer; his suit is better, he is a computer / maths nerd instead of faffing around with cameras, and he makes the web shooters. Nice bit of detail. Plus, nerds are in at the moment, apparently.
Gwen Stacy
Emma Stone is as doe-eyed as Tobey Maguire, so it was a good job they weren't cast in the same film together. It would have been a cinematic experience full of giant, shining, emotive orbs.
I don't think they used Emma Stone to her full husky-voiced potential in this film, but she was good anyway. I didn't quite feel the chemistry with her and Andrew Garfield as much as Maguire and Dunst, which is odd, because they are my favourite celebrity real-life couple in the entire world. I find the character of Gwen Stacy a bit blah,to be honest, but Emma Stone made her as fun as she could. Although what was up with the thigh high socks she wore under her lab coat? You are working in a lab with dangerous chemicals, not going to an audition for St Trinians 3.
Lizard Man
I am always surprised by how good an actor Rhys Ifans is, because I only remember him as Spike from Notting Hill. He plays a scientist with one arm, and boy, does he talk about only having one arm a lot. In an attempt to cure the fact he only has ONE ARM, he has experiments with cross species genetics. Spider man solves the algorithm for him, because he is a nerd. Rhys Ifans injects himself with the cure too early, and becomes a giant lizard with a ridiculous human face. He looks like a love child between a lizard and Voldermort:
The Voldizard causes chaos by trying to turn everyone else into Voldizards. People are screaming, people are fleeing, people are turning into Voldizards left right and central.
I didn't find the lizard villain very scary to be honest. It was quite a sad story though, and I did feel for Rhys Ifans. HE ONLY HAD ONE ARM. He rescues spider man from falling at the end. REDEMPTION.
Uncle Ben
Looks EXACTLY THE SAME as the last Uncle Ben. Only this Uncle Ben has glasses. They probably made him wear them so people wouldn't think the studio had cast the same actor twice out of sheer laziness.
Apart from the glasses, the only difference is that this Uncle Ben fathered Charlie Sheen, so that's a bonus. WINNING!
Overall, a good superhero film. I'll be interested to see where they take the plot in the next one. Will Gwen Stacy die? Will spider man turn into an actual dictator? Will Gwen Stacy lose her interest in thigh high socks and start wearing something else just as inappropriate in a lab, like a flammable mini dress? Will the next villain be a Voldinasour? Will there be a VOLDIMAN? (Voldermort Spider man). Or maybe a SPIDERMORT? (Spider man Voldermort)These never ending questions are keeping me up all night! Ciao for now.
So, in order to fill in the gaps between my bi-monthly cinema visits, I have decided to review the most recently released DVDs. First up: Christopher Nolan's magnum opus of the Batman franchise, The Dark Knight Rises (2012). It has been met with almost universal acclaim, which is justly warranted, as it's a fantastic film. Therefore, I'm going to abandon my good and bad points and do best and worst SCENES this week. I'm also not going to recap the whole plot, because it's long and complicated and will probably look quite boring written down without the action packed visual kaleidoscope spectacular that accompanies it. I'm only going to do 3 scenes from each category, and these are just my personal favourites, so feel free to disagree.
BEST SCENES
1) PLANE BANE KIDNAPPING.
Appreciate my rhyming in the title? I thought so. What are English degrees for if not to make life a little more fun, ey? Anyway. This is one of the first scenes of the film, and wow, what an entrance. If the Dark Knight Rises was a person, everyone in the room would be staring at him and thinking 'Homie got some moves'. I was never scared of plane-Bane-kidnappings before, but boy, now I am. The scene starts with a cocky CIA agent picking up some captured terrorists that apparently work with Bane. They all go off in a plane, and the CIA agent starts dangling the terrorists out the open door of the cabin, to scare them into talking. The CIA agent seems like he was the kind of kid who was bullied when he was younger, and now he is in a position of authority is a bit power crazy. He's probably imagining the terrorists are the children who taunted him so mercilessly in his infant years. I was hoping he would fall out the plane, because that would be hilarious. I was also wondering why he was threatening them with both a gun and a fall out a plane. If I was one of the terrorists, I think I would rather be shot than career thousands of feet to my death. And then the incredible happened...BANE VOICED MY THOUGHTS FOR ME!
'He is probably wondering why you would bother to shoot a man and then throw him out of a plane'.
EXACTLY BANE! This is Bane:
I wonder where he got that coat from. Topman? GAP? I like that he maintains his individual sense of style, even when he is busy being a revolutionary terrorist leader. Anyway. Bane is meant to be 'florid in his speech, with the physicality of a gorilla'. I'm not even going to bother to describe his accent, but it is unusual and also quite scary. Some people mock it, but it's now where near as ridiculous as Batman's growl-mumble. Bane's henchmen come in a GIANT plane, attach ropes to the other plane, and dangle it upside down and pull the wings off it (!!!) Bane kills most of the agents and does a blood transfusion on a scared Russian scientist, all whilst dangling from a plane seat from one arm. The small plane plunges to its death, Bane peacefully floats away in the sky attached to a rope. Smooth.
2) CAT WOMAN: KITTY GONNA SCRATCH.
I was a bit sceptical of Anne Hathaway as cat woman, but she is GREAT. Very sexy, very funny. From what I've gathered, most men's favourite scene is this:
However, my favourite cat woman moment is when she goes from being a meek, mumbling maid to a seductive, confident cat thief all in the word 'oops'. She beats up a decrepit bearded Bruce Wayne, who has become some kind of 'ghost of the manner' figure. Haha. He did need beating up, he was massively moping, for NINE years. Get over it, Bruce! You are a billionaire! Go mope in the Caribbean! Whilst watching this, my friend commented, 'Wow, Batman really likes Gotham, doesn't he?' He does really like Gotham. He LOVES Gotham. He is a bit like Gotham's stalker ex boyfriend who won't leave her alone, even when Gotham doesn't want him there. Anyway. Cat woman = 10/10.
3) THE END
BEST ENDING EVER. The end intercuts between scenes of Joseph Gordon Levitt and Alfred. There is a great contrast because Joseph Gordon Levitt (who is revealed to be ROBIN) is going on a mini-discovery-cave quest, and Alfred remains sat at a pretty little table in Florence. This is a reference to earlier on in the film, where Alfred says he used to dream of being in that cafe in Florence and seeing Bruce Wayne happy with a girl, and 'I would say nothing to you, and you would say nothing to me, but we would both know, you had made it'. Awwwwwwwww. Alfred sees him happy with cat woman, and gets up, and I REALLY HOPE he was going to say hi and not walk away, but sadly I think he probably did just walk away to keep the poetic beauty of the scene intact.
I like Bruce Wayne's lilac shirt. I can't imagine a shirt more different to the bat suit. Clever. Except if the lilac shirt had flowers of something on it, I guess.
WORST SCENES
1) ANYTHING WITH MIRANDA TATE / TALIA AL GHUL
Clever twist, but apart from that, boring character, boring villain. Marion Cottilard is a brilliant actress and really made me hate her in Inception, so why did her portrayal of Miranda Tate effect me so little? I didn't like it when they switched the focus and made her the main villain. It was also kind of random when she slept with Batman. Sleeping with the enemy! Bane wouldn't sleep with Batman (ha! Imagine) . Bring back Bane! Bring back Bane!
2) BATMAN'S ICE ESCAPADE
As Commissioner Gordon is attempting to survive the haunting 'death by exile' ice nightmare scenario, Batman nonchalantly appears strolling across the ice. 'Oh hey! Fancy seeing you here!' Yes, fancy seeing you here, Batman. A few questions regarding that. How are you not cracking the ice in that ridiculously heavy bat suit? How did you get on the ice in the first place? How did you get across the heavily guarded bridge? How did you actually get back to America with no money and no passport?
3) BANE'S DEATH
Anti-climax, or what? I think it would take more than a giant motorbike with a gun been ridden by cat woman to bring down Bane. Actually, reading over that sentence, it is quite a cool death. This scene also includes the infamous WHERE'S THE TRIGGER moment, where Batman's gravelly, odd voice (what is with his voice? and more importantly, why does he keep it on when he's talking to Joseph Gordon Levitt, who knows his real identity? Does the bat suit come with the bat voice? Does he just enjoy doing it???) becomes literally incomprehensible.
WHERSH DA TRISGHA? WHERSH IS ITSH? Shut up, Batman.
Don't hate the player, hate the game. These were the only 3 bad scenes / characters I could think of. Overall a brilliant movie, and here is a hilarious Batman mockery to see you on your way:
I've decided I need a bit of continuity in my bloggings (is that a word? Meh) so I'll start reviewing certain TV shows each week. Where better to start than with New Girl. I love New Girl. It was a bit blah at first, but all new sitcoms are, and since then it has grown and grown into a fantastic and hilarious show. There is only one thing that really REALLY annoys me about New Girl, and the sad thing is, I don't see it going away any time soon. Why? Because it is the OPENING CREDITS:
Awful! I get it's meant to be 'quirky', but why is she in a giant mirror photo frame? Why are they holding weird CGI signs? And why is Nick holding a seagull? Why is there a seagull? And the song itself. I'm sure a lot of you like the opening scene, so I can only apologize, it just really 'sets my teeth on edge' (Harry Potter reference).
This episode was about CHRISTMAS. Nick, Winston, Schmidt and Jess want to spend the last holiday weekend together, so they are going to have a night where they go to all the parties they have all been invited to. Yey! Multiple Party Episode! Did this remind anyone else of the Multiple Party Episode in the average-yet-enjoyable-because-of-Barney-and-Jason-Segel-who-I-love-and-is-adorable-and-is-too-good-for-Lily-and-don't-even-get-me-started-on-Robin-or-Ted-Mosby-and-seriously-who-is-the-mother-because-that's-going-to-be-a-massive-anti-climax How I Met your Mother episode?
OPENING SCENE
Seen as this is the first recap, let's talk about the cast.
Jess: Described as 'adorkable' in the promo posters, but that word is so hideous let's ignore it. She's funny, she's ditzy, she is very likeable for an incredibly pretty woman who wears nice clothes. She's played by Zooey Deschanel, who has a hard name to type and say ('Zoo-ey'?), but who I will always like because of the shower scene where she sings in Elf. I also think she should marry Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Nick: He is a law school drop out turned bartender. He is pessimistic and kind of childish sometimes but I love him. Him and Jess are obviously going to hook up but they are dragging it out A LOT. He also sometimes makes a turtle face:
Schmidt: Extremely neat, womanizing, used-to-be-fat Jewish guy. Typing this I've just realised how similar he is to Monica Geller off Friends. She was also very neat and used to be slutty and very fat. Huh. Anyway, Schmidt is very very funny ('Where is my shark skin laptop cover?). And the actor played a young Sandy Cohen on the O.C., so that's always fun.
Winston: Oh Winston. He used to be a basketball player in Latvia, which is the most random place to be a basketball player I have ever heard of. For the rest of my analysis of my thoughts on Winston, see a few lines below.
Cece: Jess's beautiful model best friend who used to go out with Schmidt.
Anyway. Everyone (except Cece) is talking about Santa. Nick doesn't believe in Santa, Winston still does (awww). They decide to go to all the parties. One of the parties is described by Schmidt as follows: 'The gorilla twins are having a thump-thump'. Erm, what? I literally can't figure out what that means. The boys are having a fight with cranberries because CHRISTMAS and one gets stuck in Winston's ear. I have no sympathy, because he threw the first cranberry. Don't start things you can't finish, Winston.
Oh Winston. I fear Winston is slowly becoming the Nate Archibald of New Girl. Eg. the character who has no real purpose because he has no romantic tie-ins with any of the other main characters, so get's thrown random, mostly boring storylines to give him something to do and make people notice him.
The annoying thing is, when Winston gets good storylines, he is hilarious. I kind of hope him and Jess get together for a few episodes to bring him back into the focus a little. In this episode, he is physically shouting through the whole thing because of the cranberry. In other words, 'NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME! MAIN CHARACTER OVER HERE!'
Oh, quick recap from the last couple of episodes: Schmidt said he loved Cece again and she turned him down. Nick has an incredibly promiscuous stripper girlfriend who is 'unpredictable and exciting' and who is Olivia Munn who I know is getting really famous recently, but I haven't seen anything else she has been in, and I get her confused with Olivia Wilde, who was that lesbian in the O.C., which ties in neatly to the first party:
PARTY 1: LESBIAN COOKIE PARTY
Lesbian cookie partayyy! I would love to go to a lesbian cookie party. Schmidt is grumpy, because of Cece, but tries to hide it by saying 'pastel walls give me the chills'. Haha. Winston is still shouting. 'WHEN YOU HAVE A CRANBERRY LODGED IN YOUR EAR IT HURTS'. We get it, Winston, you have a cranberry lodged in your ear. What an incredible plot line. Please continue. Nick is still with his incredibly promiscuous girlfriend. The first thing she does to show she is incredibly promiscuous is to decorate a cookie with the word 'SEX'. She will do many more promiscuous things in the episode, because she is promiscuous and she is a stripper (I'm not saying all strippers are promiscuous, but they really stress she is a promiscuous stripper; you will see what I mean, stay with me). Jess runs into Sam, her ex, who was mean when he broke up with her. He looks a bit like Ryan Reynolds, but no where near as hot:
Jess freaks out and they run away.
GLASS WINDOW AND REINDEER PARTY
I have no idea whose party this is, so I am basing the above description on the surroundings. We are told by Schmidt to get excited, because 'last year at the party they had acrobats and a caged snow leopard' . Haha, it's lines like this that make me love New Girl. There is a lot of glass and a fancy white reindeer sleigh which Nick and PS (Promiscuous Stripper) nearly have sex in because she is PROMISCUOUS. He freaks out and implies she is a slut. She is like, 'why, because I'm a stripper?' No, because you make gingerbread cookies that say 'SEX' and try to have sex with people in sleighs at an outdoor, very busy party probably, but that's just a wild guess.
Slut? Me?
Nick is sometimes unfairly mean to girls but you know what? She does seem a bit of a slut. She storms off. Good.
Sam (Not Ryan Reynolds) turns up to see Jess to say sorry. She is hurt and angry and runs into some windows and won't take him back and pretends her and Winston are going out. Sam is sad. He says to Winston, 'I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Except the moustache'. No you wouldn't, Sam. You have had more lines than Winston in this episode, so enjoy them. Winston finds out Jess lied so pretends to break up with her, and says his only funny line of the episode: 'I am not the vehicle you get to ride to pleasure town...say goodbye to paradise, honey'.
Cece gives Schmidt a present to say sorry and he GIVES IT TO SOME RANDOM GIRL. SCHMIDT! Mean.
RADIO STRIP PARTY
Third party. There is a cute scene where Nick says to Jess, 'I think you're the kind of girl a guy would come back for'. AWWWW! I can't wait till you get together 2 seasons from now and then break up and then get back together in the series finale!
Schmidt is wearing an outfit that makes him look like a vicar:
Has he just put this outfit on? I don't remember him looking like a vicar all episode. Maybe it's the angle. Winston is still shouting. He really helps the plot along in this episode. Let's move on.
The PS, whose name I just found out is 'Angie', is still angry at Nick. If you are still angry, why did you go to the next party with him you wierdo? Just go home. Nick decides to be 'fearless'. It's moments like this I remember it's an American show, because it has heart warming emotional journeys in, such as getting over your fear to be 'fearless'.I think Taylor Swift actually has an album called 'fearless'. So, it's settled. Nick decides to become Taylor Swift. He does a funny lap dance:
Next, the Provocative Stripper gives him a lap dance, and it is just a bit too provocative and gets a bit sexual and weird for New Girl, and I think Jess's face sums up how I both looked and felt when I was watching it:
Schmidt then tries to do a lap dance on Nick and it, like almost everything Schmidt does, is hilarious.
BLACK SANTA
Jess starts wildly veering her car from side to side because she is 'confused'. Fine, you are confused, but I don't get why that means you have to recklessly veer your car back and forth across three lines of traffic. Please stop, because I like you all and I don't want you getting in a horrific fiery crash. Especially because it's Christmas. There is another heart warming bit where a black cop who looks like Santa:
Believes her when she says she isn't drunk. Winston: 'To the black North pole'. Jess then decides she believes in Sam. Has Taylor Swift had a song called 'Believe'? If not, I am sure she will soon. They all go to see Sam at the hospital.
HOSPITAL
PS lifts her top up to let everyone sneak past the hospital desk. PROMISCUOUS ALERT. The 'gang' have to pretend to be carol singers to avoid getting thrown out of the hospital. Schmidt looks funny when he sings:
Haha. Schmidt, I love everything about you. Anyway, Not Ryan Reynolds gives what I think is an incredibly lame, mumbled 'Jess, when I first met you... this girl...screwed me up....' and Jess is like ROMANTIC KISS. Whatever, this clearly won't last. Maybe she will dump him for Nick. Or Winston. You know who I miss? Russell:
Schmidt and Cece make up because he kept the present, which is a bracelet. She says 'Happy Christmas', he says 'Happy moon festival'. Ha! Winston is Winston. I'm not sure if he ever got the cranberry out of his ear, and I don't think it matters to anyone in the entire world if he did. But where are Nick and Angie? Oh, they are having sex somewhere in the hospital. Schmidt goes, 'Sexual animals. Shameless'. Know why? Because she is PROMISCUOUS.
Am I the only one who dislikes Promiscuous Angie (Not Olivia Munn the actress, but Promiscuous Angie the character)?
Best Schmidtisms
'Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand'
'I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf costume'
'Pastel walls give me the chills'
'He's a player, think about it. Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?'
'It's Christmas, or as I like to call it, white Anglo Saxon winter privilege night'.
To cops: 'There's two of you? Come on, I thought we were in the middle of a budget crisis'.
'I am so fed up of hanging out with Christians. This is my last Christian Christmas'.
Best Nickisms
'Who wants to give me a lift to the airport? Full disclosure, its from San Diego at 3am'.
'Lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. I've had tetanus thrice in my life'.
'No, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing into me'.
'Nick Miller, turning lemonade into lemons since 1981'.
'Winston, can you do me a favour home boy? I'm sorry I called you home boy'.
